hello old friend,

it's been awhile. it truly has. i've always wanted to find a way back here, but somehow or rather, i've found an excuse to keep me from doing so. i was always afraid it's never going to be the same, or it's never going to be good enough. but in light of recent events, i think i need this now more than ever - to purge my system of this cancer. i've always needed a place to keep my thoughts in check, and a way to make sense of this madness around me.

i'm floating by. no sense of direction, motivation or purpose whatsoever. i seem to be stuck in some kind of limbo. a place that's in between everything, but is ultimately nothing. i've been floating along for quite some time now, and i'm already staring at the end of my first year in university. this is supposed to be a time of discovery, opportunity and possibility. it has been everything but. this is where you start taking an active role in the world around you, becoming more involved and aware, but all i feel is closed off and alone. this is supposed to be the time where you find that passion, direction, that will guide you through the later years in society. it's not just classrooms and textbooks and grades anymore; it's about finding out who you truly are. i just don't know where the last year went. it all passed by in a blurry haze. all the days and deadlines and failed examinations, mangled into one big mess, with no beginning or end. i've just been getting by, getting from one day to the next, but i'm slowly starting to feel time catching up on me. we don't have forever to waste away. we're losing daylight, and this sun is slowly setting on me. the "glory days" of possibilities are slipping away. this is the time where i should feel bigger than myself, where i should start to realise why i'm here and what i'm meant to do. but i'm nowhere closer, and if there was any way to drift further, i'm probably doing just that.

perhaps to find yourself, you have to first lose yourself; to discover how far you can sail, you have to first weigh your anchors; to see yourself for all that you can be, you have to first release your inhibitions. i guess in some ways, i feel tethered to the spot. i'm bound by just enough restraint to feel weighed down, but not enough to feel smothered. i've always felt like there were responsibilities and commitments i have to you, even though you're not physically here. i never let myself get too close to anyone because if they are not you, then there's no point in caring too much. i never let myself feel too good because if i get even reasonably happy without you, it feels like i'm betraying you. i never let myself reach out and connect, because i run the risk of losing that special connection i have with you. i've just been trying so desperately to preserve the memory of you, that i am no longer myself. all it takes is just one moment of realisation, one moment of epiphany, to understand no matter how much you love someone, how much you promise yourself that love can overcome all boundaries, how much you will yourself to keep holding on - that love can only do so much. love can do a lot of things, but love cannot keep someone from their dreams. and sometimes you've got to accept that you're not the dream; you never were. all you can do is stand back, and let her go. because she needs to. because we all do. but where does that leave me? where are my dreams? i think i always knew what my dreams were. i just need dreams that now do not involve her. i need my own dreams. i need to find my own feet, and stand strong against the onslaught that is life. for too long i've been relying on something that was never really there. i've got to be my own. i need to find my own way, my own direction, my purpose.

maybe we were too young. we tied ourselves down too soon. but we always knew something was there. something was worth fighting for. it always was, and always will be. i'm still fighting, and i'm going to fight to the bitter end. but now, i need to remind myself that i'm not the focal point. i have to take the backseat and i'm going to have to accept that. because if it is truly worth it, i will find a way. maybe we were all afraid. afraid of being alone. afraid of the unknown. afraid of losing what is good, and all that could be. but when the time comes, we all have to face our fears. maybe we just have to understand, that eventually, we will find a way, fears or not, to exactly where we should be.