i never really learned how to let go. i seem to want to hold onto everything around me indefinitely. all the disappointment, success, heartbreak, sadness, triumph, emotions and relationships. i never learned how to move on. i'm always on this self-destructive path of liberation from my own chains and shackles. the tighter i try to hold onto the past, the deeper the lascerations become, but as i slowly drift away and move on, the emptier and more hollow my soul feels. it's almost as if i enjoy bathing myself in my self-inflicted wounds and drinking to my non-existent misery. as i look around, the world doesn't stop spinning simply because i choose to let myself wallow in despair. the world moves on, people move on.

the worst part about not letting go, is allowing the emotions to build up inside, and allowing it to slowly eat you alive, until there's nothing left. there's too much hatred, jealousy, paranoia and anxiety going around, and simply not enough love. i just can't seem to get away from all this negativity, but i can't seem to find anything else to justify me. i don't know why i incarcerate myself in this mental prison when i have nothing to hold onto; nothing tangible to commiserate. i'm just stuck somewhere between here and there, and i don't really know if i should move forwards or back. i've lost too much of what i don't have to want something, only for it to be taken away again. my state of mental health is in a mess. too many emotions cluttering an already cluttered space. i'm holding onto so many unnecessary excess baggage. all the grudges i thought i bore, all the pain i thought i held and all the rumours i thought i heard. one wavering mind and a shattered heart can only take so much. i think it's time to hang up on all the vacant lines and stop waiting for the world to end, because it's not ending anytime soon and there's too much to live for. this heart and mind has reached breaking point, and the only way to salvage any resemblance of sanity is to break it before it can be broken.

this is so far gone that i won't know what happiness is even if it hits me square in the face. i'm just chasing empty dreams and grasping for the hope that isn't really there. another face is just another chance for another happy ending to go wrong. how many more broken hearts must pay the price before i realise the mistake is me? the mistake of holding on. the mistake of not knowing when to let go. the mistake of not loving enough. the mistake of not believing enough. the lack of faith. the empty promises. the sorry excuses true lies disappointing letdowns shameful pride. every turn is a wrong turn. i just should just give up while i can. i'm holding onto all the wrong things, and not holding hard enough onto the things that matter most. i can't forgive. i can't forget. i can't move on.

take a look at me. i'm flawed at the very fundamental. i'm a broken soul lost in a crowd of lost souls. direction is definitely not one thing i need to get out of this mess, because everyone else is just as stuck as i am. what i need is something different. something that will change the world i live in and force me to change with it. what i need is to find anything that resembles the word "love" in the great big dictionary of life. because what i need now, no one can give. no one that can look me in the eye and tell me the sun will rise again tomorrow, because that's not what i need. maybe someone whom i'm willing to make every single mistake with all over again, but this time knowing that each and every one was worth it. i need someone to change my world. can you give me that?

you light up the skies above me,
a star so bright you blind me.
don't close your eyes,
don't fade away.