its the end of week 1 and i dunno whether to rejoice or surrender... this week felt so draggy and nvr ending, took so long just for friday to come, and there's still 9 more weeks to endure... at the rate this is going, june will probably nvr come... well guess it was so friggin slow cuz there was really nothing much going on, cept 4 soccer (quite abit of it) and bridge... wed was soccer til about 5 plus, then on thurs played bridge the whole afternoon only to make it home in time 4 dinner, and when fri finally came around it meant even more soccer... so yesterday after moor house meeting, went 2 play a little bball with ivan, darryl and christian... i realised my bball now cannot make it (4 watever reason), either that or ivan is damn good... anyway, played awhile then after that went to play soccer... quite nice having the 2C peps back again (or at least some of them)... played with a group of indian dudes and our lack of chemistry showed when we were gettin owned, after that we pulled back thanks 2 sheer class but it remains that team football is much better than a one-man-show... after we took control of the astro (seriously quite shocking, usually you wouldnt even have space to breathe on the astro on fridays, dun even talk about soccer), had somewat all-stars match, got hakim, benji, paul sim, daryl teo and some GEPers... continued playing all the way til 6 with some bridge in between... was seriously wiped and had weird tans again (although i cant remember the sun being particularly strong), slept the whole night through...

sometimes i wonder if i'm a bad friend... its like on wed when ivan couldnt play soccer cuz the stuck-up paul tern was like all over his case, i juz continued playing leaving him alone (but of course after that he went to look 4 ms cho lah, which means that i still have 2 kill him), then on fri all the 2C guys were all damn sian and dropped out like christian, even ryan teo was sian lah (if ryan teo is sian of soccer, you know something is wrong)... i dunno if i'm letting all these small things get 2 me but sometimes i really wonder if i'm being a bad friend... and maybe its more than juz that... this week marks the start of the nike league, which i'm sadly not a part of (i think in one of my previous post i talked about not wanting 2 join the league, becareful wat you wish for)... and somehow i feel distant from the team... i realised that other than bball trainings, i almost nvr see the guys in skul... its really quite tough being the only one not there, and its not any easier with the team dynamics... it juz feels like shit this week 4 bball, even though i'm not any part of it (weird how bball gets to me even though its almost non-existent?), seriously dunno how i'm gonna make it through... it sounds really stupid cuz one moment i'm sian of bball and i'm missing it the next... maybe i was too quick to jump the gun and say that i'm definitely gonna join bball in RJ... the more i think of it, the more i wanna do something new... maybe i wanna try something new with the people i enjoy being with, not something i've been doing 4 so long i cant even remember why i'm doing it, and not with the people i say one thing but feel entirely different...

its like i'm running away, from reality or wat ever... its like i dun wanna see certain people in skul, i dun wanna talk 2 them cuz i dunno wat to say... its like i'm ashamed of seeing them, afraid, yet i dunno wat i'm afraid or ashamed about... its like i wanna hide from all these people, wish i could change skul juz so that i dun have 2 see them... it gets so bad that sometimes i wonder if it'll be better if i juz had a whole switch of friends... new people, new environment, new place... juz so that i could start afresh, so that other people wont have a pre-judged impression of me... so that i dun have 2 be someone i'm not... if i could i wouldnt wanna go RJ, cuz i'll be seeing the same people again, maybe some other JC... but then again, when i think of everything i'm leaving behind, all people i FEEL i have real relationships with, then i would have answered my question... somehow its been a really down week in a sense cuz i'm gettin stressed out by all these "small" things... juz when i told someone not to let all these things get to them and life would be better; looks like we're the same after all... i dunno, maybe i'm juz tired of all this, i juz wanna be me... and the only few people i can really be myself around are the only ones i really hang out with right now... why am i such a sad case? i look at other people and i tell myself i dun ever wanna be like them, all fake and empty inside, but izznt that wat i'm feeling right now? hai, this is so miserable, and this post wasnt even meant 2 be a sad, sappy emotional one... it juz turned out to be... well, i guess so much 4 that, dun think its wise 2 continue... really, i think all of this it gettin 2 me, now i feel damn stressed... i need someone 2 talk to... ok, i should really end b4 i snap... peace...

The Littlest Things
by Jonathan Lim

Between the thoughts inside my head,
I'm still trying to forget the words you said.
"Maybe it wasn't yet time to know,
whether our love was meant to grow."

It's not that easy to move on,
not after you've loved somebody, not after they're gone.
Yet the feelings I had can't hurt me anymore,
they left with you, when you walked out the door.

Love and life have their beautiful ways,
to heal a broken heart and begin a new day.
All we really need is a little faith,
in the ones we love our hearts are safe.

I want to believe all of this is true,
but the littlest things keep reminding me of you.

Now Playing:
Lily Allen - Littlest Things

2day is officially the 1st day of the march hols! its only going 2 be 9 days short and i know 4 sure it will end even b4 it begins (weird as that may sound, i know wat i'm talking about)... gotta grab every last minute of it... so yesterday was the last day of term 1 (wanted 2 blog last night but was pretty tired, plus Meet The Fockers was on so i chose the tv), and hell term 1 went by like nothing... it really feels damn short, but i guess we had alot 2 do as well, not 2 mention we had a couple of breaks like CNY, made it feel all the more quick... anyway, no1 felt like doing any proper studying yesterday, all got holiday mood already... so had pe 1st period, did some sports climbing thing, quite fun lah, cept 4 the smelly rocks and helmet, and the occasional tight crotch (the harness eats into ur balls quite abit, hurts 2 lol)... after pe had geog, and thank goodness yak went away 4 some course (hope she friggin has course 4 the rest of the year), so some dude came in 4 relief... the guy was quite funky lah (supposedly ong wai ling's ex-pupil), spent a good part of the lesson talking 2 him, in the end nvr do anything, only 2 realise that i'd much rather have the dude as my geog teacher... next had chem prac, and i think i screwed it... somehow or rather my observations and conclusions dun match, and its not like i dunno how 2 do, its juz that i got some funky weird answers... well, so much 4 ending the term on a good note in terms of assessments... no matter how much i tell myself that next term is a chance 2 start anew and get better, i only know it will get tougher and much worse... last academic period of term 1 belonged to maths, and i could tell even tan chio yen oso no mood 4 serious work, draw some graphs and we were done, cut short our period by 5 mins...

after skul straight away went 2 play soccer... the sun was friggin frying the Earth lah, damn bloody hot... played 4 close to 2 hrs, totally cooked and had weird tans on my arms and neck (cuz i was wearing a sleeveless, wish i could play barebody so at least dun have the off-colour tans), i now know why people die of heat stroke... for the 1st hour or so played with a group of sec1s, at first got like 6 then by the end of the game they had 15-20 (i swear it was a whole friggin class)... like playing with ants, damn scared we run them over (literally), but they were quite good, gave us a good run about... so after that ryan teo joined us, and sometimes its juz a joy 2 play with teo, even if it was juz that 15 mins or so... after that rushed down 2 RJ track 4 high jump, which i frankly, wasnt really interested in... so played bridge while waiting 4 the thing 2 start, problems with the shirts and stuff made me even more sian... when it finally started, took a few round to get things going... wasnt that easy but after i got the hang of it i started to cruise a little til there was only this freak-of-nature buckley guy, jerome, simon and myself... we (3 of us excluding buckley freak cuz hes juz 2 friggin good, or so he thinks) were neck and neck til simon dropped out, so left jerome and me... was so close 2 gettin 2nd place, juz when jerome managed to clear the 1.65m mark, then i knew it was over... well, at least it turned out ok, quite fun in fact (all the guys were there, ivan, darryl, yijun, zf), and i got a medal (3rd place is still respectable, i think)... after the jumps ended went 2 RJ canteen 2 play more BRIDGE! it was seriously damn fun, played til about 715 and cabbed 2 woodlands with yijun cuz he had 2 rush 2 sports school 4 a swimming competition... damn heng in a sense cuz i got a free ride home, the prospect of a train ride wasnt very appealing then, at least staying near sports school has its good points oso...

so this morning after breakfast, decided to go to darryl's house... his house was seriously damn nice, but more importantly i went there 2 do one thing: play BRIDGE! i swear the game is so friggin addictive... met zf at orchard, took a bus down 2 darryl's house (saw a gallardo on the way) and not 2 long after daryl teo came oso... so that meant that bridge was on... haha... played from about 12 to 230, went BK 4 lunch, came back and even more bridge... half the day was spent on bridge lah, and none of it wasted... played all the way til 515 when i had 2 rush home b4 gettin screwed... found out that i have all-stars training on monday, with simon, danny and zf... not really looking 4ward to it but a gym session should ensue so wat the heck... with soccer on tues i'm really starting 2 think that this hols is 2 short 4 2 many reasons... sometimes i wonder why i let these thoughts get in my head... when i'm caught in the moment, everything feels nice and sweet, like the way they were b4... but when i have a clearer head and when the dust settles down, it juz feels so stupid... i nvr 4got how much it hurt, dulled it may be but still very much clear... it means nothing 2 me now, but i juz dun wanna go through it again... maybe, not with you... i realised (i think i've said this b4) that i'm in love with the memories, but not you... my heart longs 4 those feelings again, with the memories, but not you... you were perfection to me in my memories, but not you... i know this sounds stupid and absolutely random (all of it has), but i juz gotta keep reminding myself of wat i've set out 2 do... and day by day i'll get by, until i can find someone who would accept an incomplete heart, cuz you took a piece of mine when you left (cheesy right? can't help)... well, that was super random, but it means something if you're willing to let it... so much 4 this post, the tune of Don't Matter by Akon is stuck in my head, gotta get it out somehow... time 2 play catch up, and a long way 2 go... peace...

7 No Trump; Do you have the perfect hand?

something kinda pissed me off 2day, so juz lemme complain abit... we (bball team) were given the news that there was a nike basketball league 4 skuls that did not make it 2 the nationals, and we were asked if we want 2 participate... so the team went on into a super big debate on whether or not 2 join the league and stuff, with all the other nonsense in between... came 2 a decision that we were gonna join the league... i wasnt ticked off because we chose 2 join the thing, it was more of the sudden-ness and how close it was to the post-season drama... i mean after the season i'm sure everyone had reidentified their priorities and their goals 4 this year at least, and i'm pretty sure bball izznt one of them... its tough 4 me 2 end the season this way, tears and disappointment can only do so much... but there comes a time when we have 2 let go and move on... i'm not saying it's any easier 4 me than 4 anyone else, but i think there's some serious planning and prioritizing 2 be done... i've set my mind that i wanna do good in the books, since now i dun have my season 2 aim 4, and also i wanna work hard in the gym 2 come back stronger (literally) 4 next year... see, these are the plans i made 4 myself, and i wont deny that i have only my interest at heart... now, out of nowhere you throw in a bball league coming so close 2 "post-season" which will span 4 easily about another month...

frankly, when i got the news i was kinda fed up... when the season ended, i nvr really got down 2 confronting reality, facing the truth and all that kinda nonsense... say wat you like about running away from reality or wat sorts, but it was in a sense a relief that it all ended... so i moved on, gave my mind a break 4 bball 4 abit, cuz when bball comes back i know the feeling will be stronger, the hunger will be back... decided to dedicate my time to other stuff, like moor, studying, gym etc. not that i'm exactly flying high on grades, which is even more so that i spend some serious time on my work... there was this big debate about the post-season rest... for one, i really dun think the rest is so much the physical rest, but more of the mental break from bball... well at least 4 me, i know the last thing i've had since the season ended was a good rest, in every sense of the word... cuz i've spent so much of my time doing other stuff that called for on top of the list after season... i think its juz the feeling of bball again... bball is juz bball, how far do you wanna take it? one thing i dun like about this is the sudden-ness... i daresay i stick tight as hell 2 my plans, but when i make them i expect myself 2 execute them, and this 4 one is definitely not part of the plan... i'm not saying that i wouldnt join this damn league if its the last thing i do, but i'm juz not into it... i know its not being really fair 2 the others who wanna do it, and i know i'm sounding very selfish right now but i really cant help it...

yeah its the last chance we can all play 2gether and stuff, we wont get that chance at youth cup and a hundred other excuses, but at that moment i juz really couldnt be bothered... ok so after this league we're smooth sailing til A' div, which means we'd definitely be missing youth cup, but wat makes you think nothing will pop up along the way? lets get this over and done with, fine... i juz need someone to tell me why i'm doing this, and it'd take some really good convincing... ya, gimme time and i'll see all the positives about this thing, but someone care to gimme the time 2 do wat i want 2? ok, we're in it now so wats the point in complaining right? but wat if we dun go in whole-heartedly, with one mind, then now where is the value in that? wat if it turns out worse than we want it 2 be? i'm not one 4 the constant complains or juz running off my mouth, but there's a time when you gotta let things be heard... i juz dunno how to convince my parents that this is going 2 be a good idea, if i cant even convince myself... not an easy task coming off a failed maths test... this like the most self-centered thing i can say, and i'll probably live 2 regret it, but i juz wanna do something 4 myself, is that so much 2 ask 4? no lame excuses or lies, juz this... i juz dunno how i'm gonna bring myself to do it... i'm gonna get so much shit 4 everything i've written here but i gotta get it out somewhere... watever it is, all is said and done so might as well make the most of it... i'm really sorrie guys, forgive me... we'll juz see how everything turns out, one step at a time... i'm out...

Cause the day i thought i'd never get through,
I got over you.