i realised i cant do photos, its juz not me... lol... anyway i think this week is a week of realisation... on the top of that list has got 2 be 2day's chem test... i realised i should not take anything for granted, esp chem... i think i flunked this test big time, dunno if the paper was difficult or i'm juz not prepared, but there were alot of doubts and hesitation during the paper, one i believed i could've smoked easily... the only thing i can fall back on now is my 90+ CA so far, and this wont be the last of them, but it juz really got me down cuz chem's supposed to be my best subject, and its not about passing but gettin the bonus marks kinda thing... maybe i have high expectations of myself but thats juz the way it is... and i really wasnt adequately prepared so this is kinda "serves me right"... same thing happened earlier this week 4 geog, messed it up 2... this one is easy 2 push the blame, but i definitely believe that i could've done more, which means the only thing i can do now is regret and kick some sense into myself... complacency did me in? really dun wanna acknowledge that but at the back of my mind thats wats buggin me... i'm not gonna juz let chem slip by me again, gotta make it mine...

another thing i realised is that no1 likes to get left out... i mean certain groups of people i juz really cant stand, i find the things they do really immature and childish... and the worst part is that they make themselves exclusive... and somehow, i juz feel left out, alone... its juz so weird, i know i wont do the sort of things they do, but its either you're in or you're out, and when you're out, its juz nvr a nice feeling... then i think about it again, sometimes when i'm with my friends do other people think and feel the same way? maybe i'm jealous... jealous about not being accepted, cuz i think and feel differently... maybe its all about comfort-zone, cuz people naturally feel more comfortable around people whom they feel are similar to them... i think i get affected by this kinda things too easily... this is why society is so powerful, in the wrong direction... people are willing to do anything 2 be accepted, and when they are not, they shoot up their schools... sometimes i dun blame these people, wat they did is wrong but maybe there's a bigger story behind it all... can you be different and be accepted? yeah maybe, juz not in this society... dun worry i'm not going 2 shoot anyone, if i did i'd probably shoot myself first... maybe its about how far i'm willing to change myself juz 2 be accepted by others?

and i realised one other thing... that you've changed... its in the way you talk, the way you write (i havent seen you, if i had i'd probably say its in the way you walk), somehow i'm slowly beginning to think you've become a person i dun know anymore... i'm not saying that you've changed 4 the worse (or better 4 that matter), juz that you've changed... its in the way my impression of you now stands... i mean somehow you've become lian-nish, no longer the sophisticated person you once were... i think i'm being very blunt but its juz wat i think... watever is inside i still believe is there, but i guess its juz the way you present yourself... maybe its the environment your in now, and its never easy 2 switch fronts... 2 me, you once had that sense of class around you, which apparently seems to have eluded you now... a little rough around the edges now, and maybe not as sweet anymore... maybe its all juz me, i'm 2 sensitive and i havent been around you 4 too long... who am i 2 judge? you are who you choose 2 be, maybe i've changed myself and i dun even realise it... more and more i believe i'm in love with the memory of you... i think i'm slowly beginning to let go, 4 all the wrong reasons... somehow i dun wanna believe it, but its becoming clearer... the image of you in my mind is not the one i had almost a year ago... and that may be the only, most substantial reason 4 me saying that i think u've changed... maybe the one, is juz not you anymore...

Quote, "Camwhore + Cab = Cabwhore?!?!?"
plus i look fucking retarded...

i was bored and high on crack...

high on crack (part 2)

here's a clearer image of wat we were doing... i'm probably stuck with that perpetual smile and the cab driver should be freaking out right about now...

saved the best for last... classic, christian's face looks screwed up and i look like i have constipation... lol...

Christian & Me, and if you multiply that by 2 you get...

4! RE group '07 counter-clock from left: ivan, christian, me and darryl

my favourite photo from yesterday... check out ivan, DOH!

well 2day was the maths CCT, and i think i can safely say i survived it... its the first time in a long time i've felt good after a maths test, knowing that i, unless freakishly unlucky, will not fail... its a good feeling, though i wont say anything about my marks, i'm juz hopeful 4 the best... and maybe this is the episode that is going 2 give me the strength and belief 2 take my maths seriously (by that i mean practice!)... the whole day was pretty much leading up 2 the big one (which is maths CCT), now that that's done, i feel pretty much relieved more than anything else... there's still geog and chem coming up next week but somehow that seems so distant and far away... i'm gonna need some serious help on geog if i'm going 2 work a miracle, of any scale... chem is juz another matter of muggin again, puttin in effort and succumbing to the pressure of maintaining a 4.0 grade (90% i dare say?)...

why cant i take my mind off you? why am i waiting for something that is nvr going to happen? why do i feel everything i'm feeling even though i know its foolish? why does my heart "skip a beat" whenever i hear from you? why cant my head and heart agree on the same thing? when your head knows its logically impossible, but your heart does otherwise? when u know its wrong, cuz the woman you love is with the wrong person right now? why cant i juz 4get about you? how did i ever get myself into this? why cant i be normal, like everyone else? why do i know, that i sound like every other time i've said this on my blog, times when i told myself to hate you, times when i told myself not 2 4get about you and times when i told myself that you still cared? why am i hurting myself? when i could have been happier all this time? why did i ever meet you in the 1st place? can someone tell me why? are you happy? am i being a pain in the ass? why am i even doing this? i guess there are a thousand other questions, but i guess the only one i really need to ask is this: do you still love me?

argh, that felt worse after coming out of my system... dunno why i subject others to my torture... i think people are juz so sick and tired of reading this kind of repetitive crap, when i cant make up my mind, i'm over-dramatizing everything and like tatwai said, i juz cant let go... it juz feels like shit inside... its juz so complicated to put everything out in black and white... ah well, it might be a joke 2 some out there, so i'll take pride in my agony having some entertainment value after all... ok moving on, b4 i drown myself, wallowing in self-pity... so we were watching this docu-movie called "An Inconvient Truth", and i think its one of the most powerful documentary/movie i've seen on global warming in particular... we get 2 see albert gore (some ex-US vice-president who lost 2 bush in the presidential election?) show some wicked powerpoint on global warming... hes a damn good speaker and more importantly, the data that he shows us are astounding... yes he spams us with alot of data but the underlying message behind it all is very clear: Global warming is one of the most pressing global issues right now... 4get nuclear warfare and weapons of mass destruction if the only thing ur gonna blow up 50 years from now is a spherical oven wiped of all living organisms... one thing that really hit me was the immense effects of global warming within the last 20 years, how it really juz exploded "right off the charts"... its so scary 2 think that its happening right now as i'm typing this, and as short as a lifetime, mother Earth could lose everything she made from billions of years ago... if we see how small we are, nothing else really matters... wat's scarier to think, is that we can do something 2 change it... maybe if we could juz do a little less, to help out a little more, who knows? the world might not be ending so soon... watever it is, i juz felt the movie had something really meaningful 2 say, if only we had the heart to listen... well, i think thats all i have 2 say 4 now, cuz this post is way overdue... i'm juz going 2 quietly slip out the back, so no1 will ever know that i'm gone... peace...

well, i've juz been feeling really messed up inside lately... juz dunno how 2 really get it all down, and its juz all stuck somewhere between my head and my mouth (or in this case my fingers)... i juz read shawn's post in on the CYH incident, and after that i felt quite bad... i mean after gettin the call from CYH, and having a rather long chat (half the time i was trying 2 phrase myself in chinese, seriously my china cannot make it), i'm beginning to think it might not really be her fault? it was blown up cuz of the way she handled the matter, and cuz i kinda lost my cool... i mean at that time i felt that i put in so much effort juz to get my work done (chinese in particular), handed up on time (i'd try) but in the end it still amounts to nothing... yes the marks are one thing, but they aren't everything... i was pissed off cuz my efforts are for nuts... its like maths, i've got a change of teacher, paying more attention in class and actually gettin the hang of it, but i'm still failing? practice more and blah and blah, where have i heard them all before? the feeling juz sucks ya...

anyway, the chinese thing juz really summed up my fucked-up-beyond-all-cause sec 4 life up til now... i really felt i hit rock bottom... but then i think again, and i realised that maybe i did over react a little and i let my emotions get the better of me... to be fair, i guess i was being difficult at that time, and it wasnt really the appropriate way to handle things... and i do feel a little sorrie... but still, i believe she could have done it in a nicer way, in a less antagonising manner, cuz her i'm-a-friggin-teacher-so-you-can-eat-my-shit attitude is really starting 2 get to me... i think to myself, izzit really cuz of the marks or izzit something more? maybe the thing that's been eating away at me deep down inside is that i've been damn slack... i've been sleeping weekends away, pushing projects til the last minute, not revising my work when i could have done them all, given the time i have now... i'm still not gettin any of it done... i know that my only reassurance of my EOY grades is that, watever it may be, i've done my best... but the question is, have i done my best? depression, feeling sorrie 4 myself and that kinda nonsense are juz excuses... i really believe there is still time 2 make it all up, but how am i gonna get myself to start working? i juz feel so crappy about everything cuz i've not been working hard, or as hard as i should be... now i'm really beginning 2 doubt how satistfied i will be with my year when the end comes, but like i said, there's still time...

am i weak to be missing you after so long? i admit, i do... and i admit, i think its downright dumb... but i ask myself why? the reason is i've never really been happy after you left... this sounds so "johnny", the classic sad emo story... i think i've heard myself say this 2 many times b4... i thought i was doing fine without you, in actual fact, i never really accepted it, i just ran away... always the easy way out... i feel so pathetic and useless, and thats maybe why you left me in the 1st place... sometimes i wonder if someone out there is feeling like i do, sometimes i wonder if that someone was you? i dun even know why i'm saying this, but i juz thought i needed to know... i needed to know that i'm not coping with this, so that i could either wither and die, or stand up and fight it... i really dunno wat i'm going 2 do about all this... sometimes i wish i had a second last chance... sometimes i'd wish i had a hug... right now, i juz need to take care of myself, take care of the things i need to do... be the best i could be for myself, so that i could be the best for you, if i ever got the chance... right now, i'm not worthy for you cuz i'm in a mess, but when the time comes, i will be... maybe its not going 2 be you at the finishing line, but you're the only one i see behind that line, and that going 2 be good enuff 4 me... dun give up on me, not juz yet...

Baby why can't we start over again
get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance i could love you right
but you're telling me it won't be enough

Baby i will wait for you
cause i don't know what else i can do
Don't tell me i ran out of time
if it takes the rest of my life

Baby i will wait for you
if you think i'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
no matter what i have to do i'll wait for you

I'll be waiting