and there goes my life. why do i have to get all this shit thrown in my face? i didn't even do anything to deserve this. i think i'm letting all of this get to me. i think i should get past the "who can i trust?" and the "who are my real friends?" argument, because i know now that these people are numbered, so there's really no point asking. what's wrong with people nowadays? doesn't friendship or trust or loyalty mean anything to them anymore? is this all just a game to them? maybe i should be asking instead, what's wrong with me? if i'm as good a person as i think i am, then why am i still being treated like shit? i really dun understand the way other people live their lives. i'm really naive, to have to take this long to realise that some people actually detest me, by some large unquantifiable amount. some people are playing this like a game. just being able to do anything to get what you want, doesn't give you the right to. if you have any decency, you'd watch what you say and know that things can come back around to bite you. i think your image means alot more to you than you're willing to admit, but if there is any fairness in this world, you'll have it coming a whole lot more, right where it hurts.

but i think that's enough of living someone else's life. i'm sick and tired of living in this pretense where i have to constantly give a shit about what i do or what i say just to have people to like me. ultimately, these people with close to no morals will still say what they wanna say about you, and you can't do anything about it. so it's high time i stop giving a rat's ass what other people do with their lives and what they say about me. if it's really something you want known, say it. and if you've got any guts, you'd say it in my face. i think what really pisses me off is that you say things about me, when you should be looking at yourself before you judge. i would really love to say the same things to you simply because its true, but i would much rather let you discover it for yourself, and let you bask in the glory of humiliation. yes, life is a bitch. so stop pretending you're so great, because you're just like the rest of us. i think i'm letting all of this get to me, but i'm not going to anymore. the shit is about to hit the fan, so my suggestion: get the hell out of the way.

i feel accomplished today. managed to stay in school and mug all the way til 830. i really like this idea of the library opening til late for us to mug. its really peaceful and quiet at night in school, and the lib is the perfect place to be. i think i really might start a routine that'll keep me in school til late everyday, mugging my ass off. it feels like a lifetime apart from when the day just started with me gymming in yck, til the time i reached home and had my dinner. and i feel really good, to have actually done something productive. now i know how to make myself feel good on a lousy day. it's just not how i'd have expected it, at all.

looking forward to IHC soccer this coming wed, hope i can get in and play man. actually, it's a bit of a dilemma for me. there're so many sports i wanna play, yet i can only choose 3. there's like tennis, floorball, soccer, bball, volleyball, captain's ball and netball. i'm not trying to boast but i really can play all of them and i would really like to kick some ass, but i can't. i guess i'll just have to choose which sports i can do the most damage in :D on a side note, finally got back my room after about a month away from it. feels kinda weird now not sleeping in the study. home is slowly becoming where the bed is (no pun intended), and thats about it. i just about come home to eat, shower and sleep only. i'll leave all the work in school, and maybe home can become an escape from reality, even if only for awhile.

i saw right through you. i only wish i'd seen it earlier. you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villan. here's wishing you all the best in your future, because i want nothing to do with it ~

I think I better leave right now, before I fall any deeper.

i will never be good enough for her, she's just way out of my league. i'm not even going to try. i don't know her. but even if i did, it still would not happen, for every reason that could ever exist. it's just another harmless feeling that will pass eventually. i know the best i can get is the glimpse of her back as she walks away, because i'm too afraid to face her. i fear not that it can never happen, but i fear the possibility of the impossible. i told myself i won't let this happen. i'm not going to. it's just another harmless feeling. but why can't i stop thinking about her?

this weekend was a long one, not because of the number of days, but the different emotions that filled my mind at one point or another. it all started with the bball hand-over camp on friday. well, i was kinda late for the camp cuz i went to watch "get smart" with nicky. it was a really funny show, but i totally didnt expect it to run for that long. i had half my mind on the bball camp so i couldnt entirely enjoy the show. but anne hathaway was awesome, so as was steve carrell. so anyway after dinner, the night went on quite well. everything went according to plan and it was almost turning out to be a success. that was until the 2-on-2.

somehow i should have seen it coming, given everything that's happened to me, but i just couldnt pick it up. then again, you can't really put the blame on anyone. it's always that way, but sometimes you wish you could. so we were fooling around by lowering the hoop and tried our best impressions of dunking, but horror struck when wee hsuan missed a dunk horribly and landed even worse. we were laughing but things quickly turned ugly when we saw how messed up his wrist was. it was no laughing matter then. turns out he broke his wrist when he landed awkwardly. kinda brought me back a couple of months ago, and reminded me of how i felt back then. i bet it was the same screwed up feeling. the same emotional scars and the same stupidity. i could relate to everything he was feeling, but i could only feel so much. i dunno what's worse, living with a reminder ON you head, or living with the constant haunting memories IN your head. then again, i dun really care what's worse, i live with both. anyway, all the best to wee hsuan. have a speedy recovery man.

so after that eventful evening, we just decided to keep things simple and wind down the night uneventfully. it was really nice just fooling around (safely) with the guys again. i'm totally gonna miss them all. they taught me everything i needed to know about basketball, life and everything in between. and i'm quite sure it will be more than enough to last me a lifetime or two. just can't give enough thanks. after ending camp, round 2 of my long weekend was about to begin. went home, took a shower and headed off for shopping with my relatives from malaysia. we headed first for this fantastic buffet opposite far east. and my cousin was already snapping away with his brand new canon 450d. after that started our shopping proper but i was totally drained and dead from the 3 hours of sleep the previous night. i could barely stand up for 5 seconds without fear of crashing to the floor asleep. came home and crashed out for 14 hours. day 2 was more of the same stuff, just went out for more shopping. i feel kinda bad for my cousins, cuz they didnt get alot from this shopping trip. turns out i bought more stuff than they did. but we did get to go into many shops and try out different things. which made me realize, there's just so many things i would love to get, but i can't. so i'll just have to settle for the things i already have, and be happy with them. i've had enough of shopping for a long long time.

my relatives left today. and it's going to be the last time i'll see my cousin before he flies off for the states some time in august. i dunno why i'm feeling so lost and empty all of a sudden. it's not like he's gone forever. but i guess i didn't really treasure the 2 weeks i had with him. for all the times we could have talked but went to sleep instead, and just catching up and talking about the good ol' days. well, there's nothing to be done about that now. i just can't help but feel a little nostalgic. you just never miss the water until the well runs dry. i guess the only thing i can do now is work hard and just make sure i don't let anyone down. maybe someday i'll fly somewhere faraway oso, and this would just be another passing moment. til then, just wanna wish nick all the best in his future endeavors. study hard bro, i'll see you again soon man.

and what better way to end off this incredibly long weekend (and post) with soccer! went back to school in the evening and was treated to an amazing game of soccer. thought the game overall was really good, had a whole range of ups and downs throughout the game and the passion for the game was burning strong. one thing i've learnt today: don't ever stop shooting. you can miss once, twice, three times or more. don't stop shooting. persistence pays off. one other thing i've learnt today: i'm not made to be a striker. i can't finish properly to save my life. i deserved to be smacked on the head everytime i miss a gilt-edged chance. i should just stick to defending, lol. should have these soccer sessions on a regular basis. every weekend? anybody?

anyway, one last thing, to end off this incredibly long post. i don't know if your reading this, but i just wanna say that i really wanted to be there, i guess the timing just wasn't right. i know you'd never believe me, but i would have given it all back just to be there. no moment would be the same as the next, but i'll try to make every moment count. i want to be there for you; you just have to believe in me.

today was a really good day. everything seemed to flow so smoothly, just couldn't find anything out of place. i feel really accomplished today, somehow. but i'm totally wiped and drained right now. lots happened today, but if i had to pick one thing (which i'm doing now), it had to be O'team briefing. its actually not very much of a big deal, but it kinda was for me. although it was just a briefing, it was something that i didnt want to miss. i think i've said this to almost everyone i spoke to about OGL, and for the last time i'll say it: