i'll try to spare everyone (including myself) a long drawn out emotional, nostalgic look back on the past year in this year end blog post. we may try our best sometimes, but we fail anyway. the past two years has strangely welded into a single collective memory, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to draw the line between the beginning and the end. so many things are coming to an end, just as the year is drawing to a close. a large part, if not the only part, of life as we know it will fade into the deep recesses of our minds with the passing of 2009, which is the process of formal education. no more classrooms with classmates, no more uniforms, no more co-curricular activities and everything else that makes up our school life. the saying goes, "the sum of the parts is greater than the whole". our memories will be made up of the little details of our school lives, and they will forever remain with us, because these memories, mistakes and choices have shaped and will continue to define who we are. we are the choices we make, and have made.

school was a blast. there is simply no better place to make friends, discover yourself and prepare for the real world. but playtime is over, and with that, we must write the finale to another chapter of our lives. the past 12 years of formal education will come to a close with the passing of 2009, and although many lessons were learnt, there can only be yet more. as we leave our uniform, comfortable, safe lives behind, we step out into the unknown. we think we know what lies out there, but we know nothing. we can only take our experiences, and hope they will help us overcome the obstacles out there. if they don't, then we're on our own. the real world will provide many more challenges, experiences and opportunities to prove ourselves, or simply to confirm the notion that would always be proven right all along: that we are anything but perfect.

with 2009, once again, (the same) lessons were learnt, and (the same) lessons were never learnt. but one thing's for sure: this year, has like every other year, taught me a little more about myself. that being said, the things i've learnt this year, is of far greater significance than any previous years for one simple reason: these painful lessons, will shape the person i will become in a society that accepts no less than perfection (a tragic irony), and the person i may have to live with for the rest of my life. experiences come without warning, and life forces you to take them with even less preparation. a rude shock in the lessons of love and human nature. you can't have your pie, and eat it. now that i know myself as a person a little better, the choices and dilemmas beg attention: who do i want to be, and what am i going to do about it? as the questions pose themselves, it seems like 2010 and the next couple of years are years taken off my life. like i have no other choice but to put my life on hold. but if the following years are as fruitful in self-realisation as the past years, then anything and everything is to be expected, even the unexpected. so maybe these two years are perfect for some soul-searching, and finally answer some of the questions that have been tossed aside until a better time presents itself. well, now may be the time.

here i am, sitting and thinking about things that may not matter very much in the morning. as this lonesome self ushers in the new year with cascades of fireworks going off in the background, cheers with common new year tunes accompanying greetings and joyous laughter, there is no better time to feel alone, or alive. for everything that i've felt this past year, nothing rings louder, or more true than the feelings i felt with you. and those are the feelings i would be chasing after for the rest of my life, if luck be so kind for me to find them again. as for old flames, i guess it's time to really let one go. not just saying it or pretending to, but to finally come to a compromise with my heart and mind. it is no longer a choice, but a necessity. the only feelings i'm allowed to have about you now, are of blessings and happiness, if only emotions transmit energy like some sort of interspatial wave. life has been more than rocky in 2009, and life will probably be just the same in just about every other year. the past is to be put away, the present is to be the past and the future is to come. and once again i've lost the plot.

the new year has come and gone whilst i've been typing away. resolutions have never been my strong suit, as the previous years speak for themselves. if anything, however, i would wish for, is to be able to feel. to feel everything, from misery to elation, from heartbreak to rage, from hope to despair. i wouldn't wish for anything to be taken away, even if it means to suffer in order to savour. it is a gift to feel, for everything. and it is this precious gift, i would never want taken away. my greatest fear now, is that my feelings have numbed, and i'm losing grip on these emotions, because nothing seems to matter anymore. nothing strikes a chord. to be aware, to feel and to understand feelings, is beyond words. so my toast to the new year is simple: no words, but to feel.

control and temperance may soon have to join my list of "resolutions" as another blog post on the 31st has gone completely awry and "beyond words". but i guess, in all these words, the essence of 2009 is captured. a mess of words and details, but the beauty to understand it all, within. 2009 has gone, and 2010 has arrived. new hopes, new dreams and new mistakes. most importantly though, new life. it's time to make the most of what we're given again, as the new year beckons. turn our faces into the sun, as our song is not yet over, for we have only just begun.

last thoughts of 2009: to be at peace with heart and mind, as life moves forward ever so slowly, but ever so surely.

first thoughts of 2010: happy 2010! smile like you mean it!

vices

like strangers, that's what we are.
darling, how can lovers pull apart so far?
like strangers, how can it be?
only days ago we loved so tenderly.

i love you, truly i do.
and i hope deep in your heart, you love me too.

let's forget that we've been angry,
let's be lovers like before,
and swear not to be like strangers, anymore.

exchanging body heat in the passenger seat

what are we really looking for? i'm beginning to doubt "love" as a concept in it's entirety. what is it really, that we're looking for? is it companionship? is it another entity to fight the growing darkness and lonely nights? or are we really looking for that fictional/non-fictional "soulmate"? the more i look around, the more i am inclined to believe that we're just looking for human companionship. we just need someone to be there when the world gets cold, or when the darkness in our minds start to take control. we live out the rest of our days, hoping to find the "one", but to what end? for some people, "love" is like a trend. like the pages of a fashion magazine, showing what's hot and what's not, only to be replaced by the next season's catalogue. we're only looking for human companionship. this is the human affliction, and is also the human condition. we were made to reach out, to connect and to not want to be alone. we are creatures of comfort, and in each other, we find comfort. but is that love? what is love? well, seeing as i'm not going to be getting an answer to that question any time soon, i'll leave it at that and move on to a simpler, however, no less challenging question:

what am i looking for?