the world is silent. waiting with anticipation, or with apprehension. we try to convince ourselves that we're ready, even when we know we're not. i know i blew every one of the better days, but there's no time to think about that now. what i have to do, which is absolutely imperative, is to go in without fear, and to make the most with what i have. regret will come, but it's too late now. the fear is taking over, but we have to wrestle back the controls, and try to restore some sense of rationality. i'm literally shaking, but it is not my body i'm worried about; it is my mind. if i could just shut myself off from the world, and care just a little less about what other people do or think, then my world would be a much happier, safer place to be. i guess that's just something we all have to deal with, just as much as we have to deal with this.

i feel a little closer to the edge, a little further from redemption, and a little stuck in between. how is everything going to be ok? how is everything going to be alright when alright is not what you deserve? trust to hope, to hope against hope, because hoping is the only thing we can do.

the clock is ticking, and we're still not winning.