today began with a nightmare, and it almost ended in one. i realised how much of a hold you still have on me. it's been more than 3 years, and you still affect me. i know i'm over you, but i just don't know what this feeling is. i was in shock. maybe a little more in shock at my reaction to the news than the news itself, but still i was in shock. i just couldn't internalise it. maybe i didn't want to. i think it was selfish of me to feel this way, but i guess i'm entitled to it. over the course of the day, i realised there was no point trying to make sense of everything. there was no way i could go back to the past and change it. there was certainly no way i could change this now. the only thing i could do was accept it. after all these years, you can resent me, but i know i only want the best for you, even if the best was never me.

congratulations. this guy is the luckiest man on the planet. when i meet him, i'm going to tell him to hold onto you forever, because that's the one thing i couldn't do. i'm really happy for you, and i hope i'll be there on the big day. here's wishing you happiness and endless love for your life ahead.

it's been awhile, since i could hold my head up high.
it's been awhile, since i first saw you.
it's been awhile, since i could stand on my own two feet again.
it's been awhile, since i could call you.

it's been awhile, since i could look at myself straight.
it's been awhile, since i said i'm sorry.
it's been awhile, since i've seen the way the candles light your face.
it's been awhile, but i can still remember just the way you taste.