Ghost Away
by Jonathan Lim

You are like a paper ghost to me,
your haunting presence, always felt but never seen.
My nightmares of you are more like my wildest dreams,
untangling the lines but always getting caught up in between.

Memories of you are like a decrepit house of cards to me,
when the lights go out, paper lanterns light up lost souls at sea.
The bitter taste you left on my tongue was nothing more than jealousy,
but the most beautiful comedy is a runaway bride running from a tragedy.

Your paper white veil will hide only what the eye can see,
your lies will hide the rest of what you believe to be.
We never meant to forget our darkest sins,
but we relish the toast to the demons within.

You are snow white and the seven ghosts,
one for every secret you want to hide the most.
When poltergeists come knocking at your door,
offer them milk and cookies, and nothing more.

You are the ghost of heartbreaks' past,
you slither between thoughts and disappear fast.
Apparitions will always be here to stay,
but you're just a fiction of my imagination, so ghost away.

today began with a nightmare, and it almost ended in one. i realised how much of a hold you still have on me. it's been more than 3 years, and you still affect me. i know i'm over you, but i just don't know what this feeling is. i was in shock. maybe a little more in shock at my reaction to the news than the news itself, but still i was in shock. i just couldn't internalise it. maybe i didn't want to. i think it was selfish of me to feel this way, but i guess i'm entitled to it. over the course of the day, i realised there was no point trying to make sense of everything. there was no way i could go back to the past and change it. there was certainly no way i could change this now. the only thing i could do was accept it. after all these years, you can resent me, but i know i only want the best for you, even if the best was never me.

congratulations. this guy is the luckiest man on the planet. when i meet him, i'm going to tell him to hold onto you forever, because that's the one thing i couldn't do. i'm really happy for you, and i hope i'll be there on the big day. here's wishing you happiness and endless love for your life ahead.

it's been awhile, since i could hold my head up high.
it's been awhile, since i first saw you.
it's been awhile, since i could stand on my own two feet again.
it's been awhile, since i could call you.

it's been awhile, since i could look at myself straight.
it's been awhile, since i said i'm sorry.
it's been awhile, since i've seen the way the candles light your face.
it's been awhile, but i can still remember just the way you taste.

the following quote was taken from a WWE pay-per-view promotional trailer. of all places to receive words of wisdom and inspiration -.- but i gotta hand it to them, they make one hell of a motivational speech. this was exactly what you were telling me. now it's time to turn words into action.

"When it comes to a breaking point, I don't have one. Not now. Not tomorrow. Never. You will never hear me say 'I Quit'. You won't make me tap. I won't be broken. I can't. I can't be broken. When it comes to a breaking point, I don't have one."

life's just a pace-call on death,
only less diligent.
and when the two collide, it's no coincidence.
the lights are on and everybody's home.

the only thing suicidal here is the door,
we had a good run; even i have to admit.
life's just a pace-call on death,
only less diligent.

it's supposed to be a mini-celebration. a small sort of triumph. a dress rehearsal for the final day. but the taste of tomorrow will be anything but victory. it's supposed to be the end of a checkpoint, but it feels like the beginning of a long road to hell. some are telling me to take a break because i need it, but the question is: do i deserve it? there's no time for breaks if i'm ever going to get there. the only thing that matters now is how badly i want it and how much i'm willing to sacrifice for it. i don't even know if i want it as badly as i'm supposed to. i really don't see myself crossing that line at the rate i'm going. but now's not the time to think, feel or slow down. just do, act and make things happen. i can't afford to get caught up now, especially since i know just how much room i have to make up. no amount of injury time can cook up a winner for me. i have to settle it in regulation. i have one and a half months to go before the final meltdown, and things are not looking very bright. it's going to be the longest 45 days of my life, or the shortest. i need to make a miracle happen. nothing but the one thing matters, and it's about getting there. i really don't know how i'm going to do it. divine intervention perhaps? one way or another, i have to get there. and if anything, the journey begins tomorrow, because one way or another, this road is leading to hell or glory, and nothing in between.

Hell or Glory,
I don't want anything in between.

i can't even do enough to make you stay,
why would i ever ask you to go away?
for you, i'd travel the oceans near and the lands afar,
but first tell me, will you be my winona?

somebody's gonna hurt someone,
before the night is through.
somebody's gonna come undone,
there's nothing we can do.

everybody wants to touch somebody,
if it takes all night.
everybody wants to take a little chance,
make it come out right.

there's gonna be a heartache tonight, the moon's shinin' bright.
so turn out the light, and we'll get it right.

there's gonna be a heartache tonight.
a heartache tonight, i know.

the past 24 hours have brought me to my knees. just 24 hours. it dawned on me that i've hit rock bottom. there is just simply no way i can go any lower. i still remember the vow i took about a month or so ago, and it seems like it's coming to nought. yet another one of those promises broken. broken like the person i am now. maybe it was complacency today, or maybe it was foolishness in general, but i know deep down neither can explain my downfall. i know i can be better, i know i am. but opinions do not make fact. only the cold hard truth can make fact. and in the cold light of the day, i know i'm not good enough. words turn to whispers when they lose their meaning. judge a man not by what he says, but by what he does. judging from everything that's happened so far, i'm not very much of a man.

let this be a wake up call. it's not often in life one gets a second chance. only those who deserve a second chance, will get it. maybe i'm a little arrogant thinking i could take down the top and go for number one, when i can't even top myself. so let's set things right, and settle the little things first. i have to find a way to erase these memories and get myself back together. i'll have to find a way back into the game. there's not a lot of time left, but time is the least of my worries. i have to make my words count this time. i have to make my actions count. let this be a lesson. a cold, painful lesson. it's better i get stung now then when it really matters. for a second time, i've been made to eat my own words. it's time to start from the bottom, and work my way back. this wake up call hit me hard, like ice on raw nerves and steam to the back on my eyes. the lessons are there to be learnt, let's just hope i learn them. i think it's time i stop talking the walk, and let my walking do the talking.

i've just been put through a baptism of fire, and i've crumbled. only those who deserve a second chance, will get it. if i truly deserve it, i'll have to take it. no questions asked. no room for error. this is not the time to back down. this is the time to fight back. i'm broken. i'm on my knees and i'm begging. i've been humbled and i'm insignificant. all of it won't matter if i can get back. this is no time to be afraid. to conquer your fears is to conquer all. he who dares, wins.

hold your cards close to the vest,
hold your breath and hope for the best.
don't let the clouds or the rain get you down,
before you know it the world will turn right around.

some things don't matter quite as much once you've given them away. it can't destroy you anymore if you don't let it. and quite frankly, i feel free from you today, for the first time since i've begun to know you. you will never know all of the things that go on beneath the surface, but that's the trick, isn't it? you will never see how hard i'm struggling. you will never see the pain. and even when the pain gets too much to take, you will never see it. i feel alive again today, even if only for a day. with new found strength and faith, we trudge on. it's only going to get tougher, but we can only get stronger. pain is a mother, but it lets you know you're alive. so don't let the clouds or the rain get you down, because before you know it the world will turn right around.

so who's holding you tonight?
my notes are with me, under my bedside light.
it may not shine as bright,
but for tonight, i think it's gonna be alright.

right now, i'm more alone than ever. what's worse than fighting this war, is fighting it on your own. i have to learn to toughen up, to protect myself from the savageries and casualties. i have to find a way to focus on that blurred goal just out of reach. using all my energy not to push forward, but just to focus on that point ahead. i feel more alone than ever. it's no surprise, that i'll have to learn how to protect myself and find a way to get to the end, all by myself. trying to fly is tough when you can't even stand on your own two feet. i don't need you any more than i need the sun, and right now, my world is pitch black. the faintest sliver of the stargazer's light blinds my eyes. human affection is like an infectious disease, once you've recovered from it, you're immune to it. when you're alone you realise your world is silent; when you're silent you realise your world is void of life. because someone once said, "hold on to what you've been given lately, cause the world will turn if you're ready or not."

time to take my mind off you with whatever the drug store has, but the best they've got is a prescription of math, a shot of bio, an IV drip of econs and a powerful anesthetic called chem. which drug will be worthy of an overdose and a one-way-trip to hell? it's tough to pick your poison when the easiest pill to swallow is caught in your windpipe.

it was always going to be him so why do i bother trying? you're a feel good drug on a lousy day, and you know just the right words to say. you know how to push all the right buttons and damn, you make it feel good. little ms. unattainable, look yourself in the mirror and tell me you're not the best thing life has to offer. once you've had the taste of perfection, it's hard to kick the habit. i told myself i was in control of my emotion, but who was i kidding? you fuel the desire for addiction and feed the hunger for obsession. this is not surrender, but telling myself i'm stronger than this.

it's easy to walk away knowing you never had the chance, but it's harder to stay knowing you had your chance and blew it. it's clear to see i was merely a passing fancy, and never really had a hold on your heart. i'd most willingly give mine for just a moment of your time. we were never meant to be, we just happened. "he's perfect for you" is just too easy an excuse, but it's the only one i got.

it was fun while it lasted, but it's time to move on. you're the next best thing that happened to me, but i'm not going to make the same mistake twice. it's not love, it's obsession. it's not creation, it's destruction. you won't have power over me because i'm not giving it to you. maybe it could have been something more in a different place and time. this is right here and right now, and this is goodbye. not to lose you is to let you go. maybe if you are less than who you are it will be easier on me, but you're better than that and i'm stronger than this so i'll find a way to deal with it. would you know that the last 4-hour conversation would be our last? would you have said anything differently? i doubt it, your heart was never really there. 'til better times find our way and return to us what was never lost.

you're a drug and this is the cold turkey.

ride the storm to sip from a cup of broken glass,
cut lass hard right when none will.
poignant and enigmatic,
she stands still.

closer to the lips of the hungry and brave,
kissed the rose, but missed the petal.
fool's gold is a panacea,
shook the sheriff and meddled the mantle.

party with a trip to the wedding parlour or funeral home,
take your demons out for a day.
toast to the iris at daisies for lillies,
soi-disant romantic, lover manqué.

You go with the flow and don't rock the boat. Your only hope is that the currents of life will pull you in the right direction. You begin to take your fears for real. You cocoon yourself into a life that insulates you from all these risks. Then you rationalise your behaviour: you have a family to support, and can't take risks, you're too old to shift careers, you can't lose weight because you have 'fat' genes. Five... ten... twenty years pass, and you realise that your life hasn't changed much. You settle down. All that's really left now is to live out the remainder of your years as contently as possible and then settle yourself into the ground, where you'll finally achieve total safety and security.

Those with courage do a different kind of rationalising. Thus, they saddle up anyway despite being scared to death, thinking if there is nothing else that can be gained, at least they have gained strength and confidence by every experience in which they really stop to stare fear in the face. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the judgment that something else is more important. It is the mastery of fear. The courageous simply do the things they think they cannot. The courageous dare to be who they truly are.