talk about going out into the cold. today was near sub-zero by singapore's standards, and i absolutely love it. the cold breeze. the light rain. you could almost feel your breath condensing as it leaves your mouth. ok maybe it wasn't really that cold. it isn't cold enough on the outside, but the inside is frozen. it's colder than anywhere else. it's freezing. why is it so cold on the inside? i think someone broke the thermostat, or just left the fridge door open. when am i going to find your warm smile melting through this ice? hopefully in about 129 days. i've made up my mind. the only person who's going to stop me is you. please remember to smile.

37 days to prelims (holy crap).

106 days to A levels.

ice-cream in winter is the best remedy for a broken heart.

here we go again. everything is going back to normal. it's time to go for the big fish. don't even think about regretting a single thing once this is all over. it doesn't matter if we're ready or not, because the time will come and the time will go, and whether we capture it, is entirely up to us. remember today, because it's going to be the last memory before we begin. good or bad, it's going to last 'til the end. we should be excited, because it's going to be the last time, if not the only time we'll be able to do this, and like it. the moment we've all been waiting for has arrived. let's go out into the cold and have some fun. everything is going back to normal, but since when has anything been normal?

time to rock 'n rolla!

i wonder, who is watching? are the stars watching from above? are the angels carelessly gazing down from the clouds? who could possibly take fancy on the miserable life we live? only fools will wish their time away on the uneventful and the dull. we pursuit colours and trophies we don't really need. so what is it that us humans really want? love? compassion? global domination? the stars laugh at our naivety, and the angels shed a tear for our loss. we don't really know what we want, not even when it's right in front of our faces. when we think we have it all, we only want more.

i want to understand how it all works, how our lives were meant to play out. i want to know what happens in the end, what we are doing this for. i want to know why i did the things i did and why i didn't do the things i didn't. i want to know why i got hurt, and why i hurt other people. i want to know who my real friends are in the end, so i can just hold on to them now. i want to know why i had so many chances, yet made so many mistakes. i want to know how many days i have left to love, so i'll love with every last bit of my heart. i want to know how i can change the world, so i can make a difference and make my life worthwhile. i want to know who you are, so i can find you and keep you in my life. i want to know why we're here in the place and time, when we could be someone else somewhere far away. i want to know the reason why things happened the way they did, so i can understand why i'm alive today.

maybe these answers i'll never know, not now anyways. the answers are left for the very end, when the game is over and life has run it's course. no one will know, not until the last seconds tick by. maybe i'll find the answers soon, maybe not. we'll just have to stick around and find out how it ends. there's nothing we can do now but live.

so be honest, are you watching?

she wakes up scared of getting old,
she don't feel no shame.
she knows so many pretty boys,
and they are all the same.

if what you know is who you are,
then she's everything.
you don't need an education to know the class that you're in.

they said, "hey there girl, tell me what do you do?"
she said, "nothing but i'm damn sure it's more than you."

love is when you wanna kiss and you get bit.

that girl's a genius.

slow down, you crazy child.
you're so ambitious for a juvenile.
but then if you're so smart,
tell me why are you still so afraid?

where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you better cool it off before you burn it out,
you've got so much to do,
but only so many hours in a day.

but you know that when the truth is told,
that you can get what you want or you can just get old.
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through,
when will you realise, ______ (manchester) waits for you.

slow down, you're doing fine.
you can't be everything you want to be before your time.
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight.
too bad but it's the life you lead,
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
though you can see when you're wrong,
you know you can't always see when you're right.

you've got your passion, you've got your pride,
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
when will you realise, ______ (she) waits for you.

slow down, you crazy child.
take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile.
it's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two.
when will you realise, _____ (vienna) waits for you.

everything about manchester turns me on. even the word "manchester" drives me crazy. i think i've fallen head over heels for manchester. i'm just deeply and ever so madly infatuated. manchester is my mecca. there are so many other wonderful places, and probably many greater universities, but i simply couldn't take my eyes off this one place. it's just the thought of being there. closest to the one place i have never been, yet it feels like i've been there all my life. home is where the heart is, and my heart is in manchester. harvard, yale, princeton, UPenn, cornell, dartmouth, brown, columbia, oxford and cambridge step aside. The University of Manchester, baby. or am i only dreaming? if i am, then take me to neverland.

manchester baby.

it's time to up the stakes. all the bets that were off are now back on. everything, if anything, is on the line. it's time to give you up. it's dead tiring holding out a candle for you when you never look my way. you're flat out perfect, but i'm never meant to be perfect so i have to let this one go. i know there are countless others just waiting to be in your presence, and even more hoping to hold your heart. you're not in that place now, and it's heartwrenching to be the only one there. the only one waiting. i think i've taken this joke too far. enough is enough. it's time to give up and move on. if ever, by fate's hand or life-changing luck, you decide to give the hopeful a chance, i'll be the first in line, waiting for you. i always will. but until then, it's time to put these feelings away for a long long time, and find some other musings in life to occupy my empty heart. it was nice knowing you, and not knowing you at all.

i remember the days we spent together were not enough,
and it used to feel like dreaming except we always woke up.
never thought not having you here now would hurt so much.

tonight i've fallen and i can't get up,
i need your loving hands to come and pick me up.
and every night i miss you i can just look up,
and know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you tonight.

the old guards will not pass.
i stand at the gates, but the old guards will not let me pass.
they wouldn't let me in.
the old guards will not pass.

today i received the best birthday present ever. in it's simplicity, is genius. it really made my day. those words, just the thought of it brings a smile to my face. i just can't stop smiling to myself. she never knew, and she probably didn't really care. it doesn't matter to me, because in one simple gift, i have everything i want, and probably everything i need to get me through the rest of the days, even if it amounts to nothing in the end. the concept of the gift is more appealing than the gift itself.

it is the best birthday present. ever.

i think it's time to give up. there's no point hoping, even though hope is a hard habit to kick. it will never come. everyone's been saying the same thing, but i simply refuse to acknowledge it. i guess there was nothing for me to lose in the first place, but it still feels like a huge part of me is being ripped out, before being unceremoniously stuffed back in. i feel so empty now. somehow, in a warped and twisted fashion, i found comfort in just pretending i had everything i ever wanted. like i had something to live for again. that feeling, lost so long ago. even though she never knew my name, it felt like i had the world. i couldn't ask for anything more. but is this any way to live? is it truly?

"it's not impossible, it's just that the two of you are so different." isn't love supposed to be able to conquer anything? or is it just another lie i've just realised, and yet to rise above? what is love actually? some mystical power beyond our realm that we casually label the answer to all our problems? "it's not even love. you don't even know her. she doesn't even know you." then why do i feel this way? i can accept that the feelings overwhelming me now is not love, but someone please tell me then, what is this bloody feeling? i'm sick and tired of it, but i just can't get enough. i know everyone who knows this is just as sick and tired of hearing the same old story as i am telling it, and believe me it's not getting any more refreshing. but i can finally relate when i hear "no one understands how i feel." or "you just don't know what i'm going through." really, this is ridiculous. it's a sick joke, and i'm on the end of it.

i need a tight slap in the face, just to wake me up. what is wrong with me? i feel so stupid. i feel like punching myself in the face, but i feel so broken at the same time i just can't do it. why do i feel this way? WHY? i'm really so tired. i'm slipping away again, and i don't think i'll find my way to the surface this time. why does this fantasy feel so real? so real it cuts my skin everytime i think about it. for all this time, i've been living in my head, while ignoring how stupid my imagination really is in the real world. who am i kidding? it will never happen. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. end of story. there's nothing to feel sad about. she never even knew your name. her life goes on while yours crashes to a complete halt. perfect.

maybe i can accept (maybe not) that she never knew my name, never knew i existed, but i just can't stand the thought that she never knew someone out there felt this way about her. i guess it's just another one of those things in life you have to live with. you can't always have it your way. definitely not this time, at least. like i said, she would go on to live her life like nothing happened, accomplish greater things or even become the president. but somewhere not too far away, another world is crumbling, falling. a world being torn to shreds by an industrial strength paper shredder on steriods. it's only 6 months. between now and then, you got no time to think about this, and from then to forever, you'll never see her. so that's it.

the final verdict: there is no "that's it". there will however, be a man who will not fall to pieces everytime he meets his "adversary" in school. there will be a man who will pretend the sky is blue when it's actually grey on a monday and black on a sunday. there will be a man who will feel nothing but the pride that comes with setting himself free, even if it means stabbing himself through the heart. there will be a man who will be proud that he made the right decision, and lie to himself that through the course of his (in)action, he has given her the deserved right to spread her wings and fly.

there will be no time for regrets, because he lived to the fullest, even if it was only in his head. there will be no recollection of pain or loss, because the man knows nothing except the time before and the time after, and not of the in betweens. there will be no more dreams, because the man killed his last one so that his very first one could live. there will be no more smiling, because the only time he ever smiled was when he caught a glimpse of heaven. there will be, no more.

blame me if you must. stab me with sticks and stone me with stones. i gave what i have, and it's all i have to give. i'm not proud of it, but i'm definitely not ashamed of it. you gave me the world. now, i'm giving you mine.

i need a little more luck than a little bit,
cause everytime i get stuck the words won't fit.
and everytime that i try i get tongue tied,
i need a little more luck to get me by this time.

Oh Why Age?
by Jonathan Lim

I will love you until my heart bleeds out,
you're an angel that fell from heaven and missed all of the clouds.
Were you sent here to be with me?
Or were you sent here to teach me misery?

I'm prepared for you to say that i'm not your type,
that the words I tried to say didn't come out right.
From the start I knew it was wrong,
but I just didn't want to believe I was right all along.

My love for you will not be in vain,
you returned what was lost; now I can finally feel the pain.
Everytime before I sleep and after I wake,
I want to be with you more than ever; I'll do whatever it takes.

I'm tired of living with the ghost of my past,
one chance with you is all I ask.
Running from you is an impossible escape,
the thought of being with you is the thought of tempting fate.

Sometimes I catch myself staring at you carelessly,
if you look back I hope you know it's me.
I must find a way to stop these flights of fantasy,
when the high wears out, nothing hurts more than reality.

So what can I do to get you off my mind?
I'm tripping over you every single time.
What can I do to get you off my mind?
The cure for my obsession is something I will never find.

you're too high to get over,
you're too low to get under,
i'm stuck in the middle,
and the pain is thunder.

michael jackson is a music genius. period. how can one man produce so many musical masterpieces? no mere mortal was meant to do this. he swept us away with his dance moves and his unrivalled passion for the art. it was one small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind when he patented the moonwalk. you can learn how to do the moonwalk, but you can never learn how to do the moonwalk like michael jackson. there can be many great artists, but none can be like michael jackson. there can be great kings, but none will ever be like michael jackson.

i have to apologise for getting carried away, but it's like everyday i discover another amazing song by this genius, and i can't help but to bow down in his awesome-ness. and it just goes to show: you never know what you got 'til it's gone.

he left us too soon, but he will never be gone. his legacy lives on in his music.

elegance and sophistication placed you high on a square pedestal,
i'm trying my hardest to forget but i'm not feeling any better still.