trying not to be worthless was the best i could do,
when only perfection was good enough for you.

when the world is falling down and you feel so alone,
when you turn around and find that nobody's home.
when even in the light of day you feel cold,
when nothing in the words can light up your soul.

your hands shiver because they lost the warmth of the one,
you know emptiness is all you have after it's all said and done.
you can't find the right words to say because nothing will do,
nothing in this world can bring me back to you.

and we won't go down,
all i know is that the fear has got to go,
this time around.

no one understands how (to do math) _____________.

If You Love Me
by Jonathan Lim

If you love me, don't go away,
when you're not around, I see in shades of grey.
If you love me then I'll never let go,
I'll hold you tight and together we'll grow old.

If you love me then close your eyes,
make a wish and count to five,
If you love me, I'll make it come true,
I'll do anything to be with you.

If you love me, you will never find,
your heart alone, because you will always have mine.
If you love me, I will never doubt,
your love is the only thing I can never live without.

If you love me then take my hand,
we'll ride into the the sunset, to a far away land.
If you love me then smile your sweet smile,
you are everything that makes my life worthwhile.

If you love me then sing me a song,
in your arms is where I'll always belong.

i can't live with the fact that i'm living without,
the girl that these words were written about.

you're a star in the heavens above me. you were always within sight, but always out of reach. i'm always reaching out, but never touching. everytime i look out the window, there you are. holding your own in the clear night sky. you never needed anyone else for you to shine so bright. you were always meant for so many great things. even greater than i can imagine. you're impossible. you're in a league of your own. being good enough, is just simply, not good enough. even the gods can't take their eyes off you.

how is it then, that the peasant fell in love with the goddess? just sitting there, watching her, without knowing if she watches back. is she too good to be true? no, they say "she's just too good for you." why is it then that i can't let go, even though i already know? can someone tell me, why i can't stop thinking about you? i'd never dare tell anyone how i feel because i know they would all laugh at how ridiculous i am. i think they know i'm crazy.

you're just a star in a galaxy far far away, but you seem so close, so near. like i've known you. but i haven't. i need to wake up and stop dreaming. because dreaming about things you can never have only leaves you hurt, and quite utterly destroyed.

maybe it's time i turn my attention onto something more realistic, even though it's remotely impossible that i'll feel the same way. i feel no remorse about feeling this way, because my feelings are no longer my own.

what i would give to have you look in my direction,
i'd give my life to somehow attract your attention.

do you believe in magic?

today, i ran across the old yearbooks and it was a fantastic breakaway. like i was taken back to happier, more carefree times. it's amazing how different some people look now as compared to then, and it's even more amazing how some people look exactly the same. it may be silly old pictures in a dusty old book, but the memories are all too fresh and absorbing. all the good ones and some of the bad ones. it's funny how you can build so many relationships, and have all your recollections come back with just a glance. it's a weird time to feel nostalgic and to reminisce, but sometimes your mind is not your own. all those faces that have crossed your life, are really, as cliche as it may sound, like tiny threads of an intricate web. some of the faces bring regret, some bring laughter and fun times, others just a sense of remembering. wonder what life would be without memories?

and when i came across the RJ yearbooks, it's just another big web squashed with the one we already know. it just keeps getting bigger. the memories not as developed, but who knows, 10 or even 20 years down the road, it may all come rushing back. to think it has only been 5 years since i first stepped into RI, and already so much of life happened, what more the next 5 years? and what kind of memories do i want to take away from RJ? i've had enough of the bad ones so maybe it's time i start collecting the good ones. where were the times when you could just sit around and laugh about everything under the sun? when nothing mattered more than the next punchline or the next funny thought? when hours feel like seconds and days feel like minutes? i really hope they're not a thing of the past, because life would be a sad waste if we had to live on yellow, crumbling pages of books with pictures of ourselves and people we may or may not remember. life is living. pictures of the past are just reminders on how to live. final year, slightly over 6 months to go. gotta go for it. gotta live for it.

if love is magic, then do you believe in magic?

are we alone? in the dead of the night, when the only sound is the hypnotic rise and fall of our breaths, and the rhythmic beating of our solitary heart, the metronome of our lives, keeping track of the minutes and seconds gone by. when the world is dark, and no other signs of life are present, we find peace. peace in this ravaged lifetime of warfare. not of nuclear warheads and heavy machine guns, but of the constant struggle within of demons and angels, of the good and the bad, of dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. in the night, the time for rest has come, but there is no rest for a mind constantly running. running from the darkness, but always into the darkness. the relentless pursuit of the dogs from hell leave you no room to hide, no room to breathe. and when morning comes, the blazing horns signal another day of battle. we trudge on, we march on, we fight on. we don't stop because if we do, we have lost. not so much us losing, but them winning. the day begins and the battle begins. the war has long started, even before we knew our existence. the battle never stops, not even when the end is in sight. we just keep going.

so are we alone? there are no friends, no allies, no comrades. no one besides you, no one behind. you just keep moving forward. don't stop and don't turn around. one-track mind. who are we fighting for? are we noble enough to fight this war for another? for the ones we love? for our families? or even for the greater instituition? or do we fight for ourselves? because we know we deserve better. we know we are better. is there anything big enough to drive our hearts? are we soldiers who take orders or robots programmed to function? who are we?

but the biggest question of all, are we alone? like the stars in the midnight sky, we are never alone. but this has made us feel more alone than ever before. and for the success of this mission, we will have to go it alone. the time for company is not now, for there is too much at stake, far too much to lose. but when the time comes, our souls will break down and be reborn. we will learn to stand again, and we will build ourselves up once more. for now, we grease our stubborn hinges and clean our dusty rifles, because the time to do battle has come. the blazing horns have sounded. we are better than this. i am better than this.

i am alone.

i'm certain, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that i was born in the wrong era. i was made for the '70s and '80s. it's a part of me that somehow just finds its place. the world offers you no solace, your head is spinning in opposite directions and your heart is broken in 20 different places, but when you hear that tune on the radio, you just find home. how can i fall so madly in love in less than 20 seconds? it was there all along, i just had to wait for the right moment for it to happen. someone invent a time machine and send me back, or else i'll do it myself. i really want to play this song with a band someday, in front of a live audience.

when i woke up,
the rain was pouring down,
there were people standing all around,
something warm falling through my eyes,
but somehow i found my baby that night.

i lifted her head, she looked at me and said,
"hold me darling just a little while"
i held her close, i kissed her our last kiss,
i found a love that i knew i had missed,
but now she's gone, even though i hold her tight,
i lost my love, my life that night.

emotions overflow, because we are creatures of the night.