why do i keep falling for the wrong people? why do i keep making the same mistakes over and over again? i know i shouldn't be feeling this way, but i just can't help it. it's like every single time i say i wouldn't, but i still end up doing it anyway. i just can't keep my head above water. it's almost as if the more i know i can't have it, the more i want it. i just keep going to places i know i should never set foot on, believing in things i should only dream about and hurting myself when the last thing i want is the pain.
i really don't know what's going on with me. i'm just so easily swayed by emotions. one moment i have a heart of stone and the next i'm tripping head over heels. judge me if you will, but the world is never kind so live up to the reality that one day it might just happen to you. i always feel i should never have the right to feel this way, to even dream about having something special happen to me, especially all that happened over the past year. but somehow, all these feelings just start coming back, like i'm given a second chance to make the same mistake. you get all these weird sensations coursing through your body. your heart skips a beat, you hold your breath and you smile more. these are all just signs that something is happening to you whether you want it or not. you just can't fight the feeling, no matter how hard you try.
i really dunno what's happening to me. there's just so many emotions at once it's hard to keep track of them and keep them in line. at first i had these crazy feelings, but i know i had to respect her. i know there's more to her than meets the eye and i know that i wanna protect that. for once, i thought i was doing the right thing. i know i had to take things one step at a time. and i did. as things moved on, i knew i couldn't distance myself that easily but i still knew i had to. i'm taking it slow, but it's progress in the wrong positive direction. and then came another person. this person is totally different. i know some of the things that happened before, and i know the kind of things that i really don't want to hear. but still i just can't get the thoughts out of my head. i just can't stop thinking. i know i shouldn't even begin, but i can't stop. i know it's so much more superficial but it catches you off guard. here i am typing this while my mind contemplates making the first move. i'll probably get my heart broken anyway so i might just try. i just hope i know when to pull out before it's too late. and then there are so many other factors in the story like you can't imagine. it seems really complicated, but it's only that way because i make it so. it's very simple really: do nothing. absolutely nothing. nothing, and my heart is safe and remains in one piece, along with my sanity. but nothing, and i'll never know, never tried and never failed. don't i ever learn my lessons and aren't i sick of getting hurt? by the looks of it, i don't think so cause i keep doing the same stupid things over again to get the same stupid results. why do i even bother trying? i'm just going out of my mind.
it's just right there waiting for me to make the first move. but am i going to? usually, i wouldn't have the balls to do anything like this. but now, somehow, i might find the courage to get hurt knowingly, unlike the last time when i was hurt blind-sighted. maybe, like the human spirit delivers hope, something good might come from this. but all the signs are pointing in the other direction. and maybe, the one i felt was lost from the beginning would be the one worth waiting for, but am i going to? if the surrender was accepted, then what am i still playing for? there are still so many questions ringing in my head and even more left unanswered. i just need to sort them out and hopefully, they will answer themselves in time to come. for all of this, is just the beginning. the beginning of chapter one.
