rude awakening... i just got blasted by my teacher... shook me up quite abit, but i guess i'm not so much bugged out by her screaming at me, but more of the things she said that hit me in the face... i realised the reason i've been acting the way i am is cuz i'm too damn selfish, too irresponsible and lack that self-discipline... i mean i can't say i didnt have it coming, constantly giving snide remarks, being cynical about everything and juz basically complaining... it all juz boils down to me being to self-centered... its not the first time i've been told that, and somehow since the last time, things didnt seem to have changed... its a real tight slap across the face, i guess i deserved it but she could have done it in a nicer way... then again, had she done differently, i wouldnt have woken up and be thinking like this now... i realised i could account for almost all of my unpleasant actions to selfish-ness... my cynical remarks, my constant complaining, blaming everyone else but me... i nvr seem to realize everything i say is directed at someone else, but i'm oblivious to my flaws... its always someone else's problem, not mine... its always someone else who screwed up, not me... this time i screwed up, big... everytime i bitch about teachers, or i try to siam different stuff and all that, it was juz cuz i was only thinking bout me... i nvr spared a thought for others, their feelings... i juz did wat i wanted to and wat was in my best interest... there was this moment of realisation, that everything i did wrong could be accounted to selfishness...

then of course comes responsibility... i guess everything kinda links back to one another... i havent been doing my fair share cuz i'm always wanting the easy way out... but what about the other people who have been slogging their guts out, working probably twice as hard as i am right now, do i deserve the right to complain? maybe i juz need to let it all out constructively... it probably doesnt suck as bad to know i've been acting this way than to know that i'm not doing anything about it... i juz need to constantly put in the effort to think of others first, before i starting shooting off my mouth and doing all that kind of crap... this is not the person i want to become, i'm juz afraid that its too late and everything is set in place... i juz really hope its not too late, that i still have time to change and be a better person... its as if right now, i have everything laid out infront of me, waiting 4 me to make my next move... i guess i really owe my guys right now, for being the jerk that i am... somehow the feelings are numbed, but i dun think i owe her anything, cept for giving me this good right screwing to wake me up... i know things arent going to become better juz like that, and i think i'm gonna need some serious help if i'm ever going to get through... i really cant remember wat else i wanna say, i juz feel so tired... i wanna sleep, and hope this was all juz a dream... i'd wake up and have one more chance to put things right... i dunno wat to feel anymore... all that screaming and scolding has lost its meaning, and i'm afraid i've lost the ability to be good again... or at least the want to... i hope something from somewhere can hit me hard, and make me a better person... i juz need to find the courage to be one...

and i'm thinking, everything that happened was all because of me... now that i see the truth of it all... i still havent learnt my lesson... i nvr really did deserve you, not by being the person that i am... i really don't want to be that person anymore... not anymore...