alot of thing happened in the past few days... my emotions were swinging from one end to the other... well, monday was the long awaited RI vs HCI game... but b4 that was bio which was do-able, of course i expect alot more from myself... so anyway, the game was pretty hyped up, supporters from both sides and all... had the big game jitters, screwed up abit during 1st half but kinda settled down after that... we scored the first goal courtesy of a beauty strike by gareth but it got cancelled out in the 2nd half by their star player... so played til full time at 1-1, then went into extra time and penalties... eventually won 4-2 on penalties after two of their players skied the ball (one of which was their star player)... its was damn dream-like, when we won the shoot out and everyone rushed onto the pitch... nvr thought i'd experience it 4 myself, but it came true... the feeling of winning didnt quite sink in though, somehow i felt lost, like i didnt know who to celebrate it with, but still there was this floating feeling inside me... the fantasy came true, and it was really such a great experience with the guys... got to know them alot better and made some great friends... wouldnt trade it 4 the world...

well, victory didnt come without sacrifice... skinned my sole off (literally) during the game and took the next day off... there was like this patch of skin missing from my left foot... red and raw and all... took tues off and ponned wed cuz i wanted to skip my oral defence (and RE), but turned out i'd miss it anyway... it was during this 2 days my brain started going haywire... i think it really got to me, was feeling really low and pathetic these 2 days... i was thinking why am i here? wat's the point in living? why do i exist? and all that kinda stuff... it all juz comes down to my purpose in life... really "thought" about dying, nvr of course, with the intention to do so... but still, the thought of death was quite scary, like a sort of calm presence, slowly taking you away... wat if i die 2morrow? will anyone care? will anyone feel any hurt? will it all be better? sometimes i juz wonder... and then i started thinking wat if my parents were no longer around? wat will i do? and everything juz started spiralling downwards... of course, to top it all off, had maths cct on wed, which i (needless to say) totally screwed up... now i'm living by the edge, anything less than a pass for this maths cct means that i'm past dead... wat's done is done, juz gotta tell myself to let it go and move on...

between all that, found out that we got ratted out to LJM for ponning geog on monday... so now we're in some kind of deep shit with discipline and stuff... frankly, geog is so messed up, ponning every single lesson is justified... but well, thats not how it works so i guess maybe i kinda regretted it... at least i feel some remorse, but still gotta face all that shit... so went back to skul 2day... really felt rejuvenated and refreshed... maybe taking a break once or twice in a term is good 4 you... so came back and first thing was chem in the morning... had a good roll all the way til the end of the paper where i had to do calculation... i've said this like 10 times in skul 2day and i'll say it again (4 the benefit of those who didnt catch me), I CAN'T DO CALCULATIONS FOR NUTS... which, effectively cost me the paper i guess... hope for the best and prepare for the worst? anyway, after that had a talk by the minister of foreign affairs, george yeo... he seriously kicks the ambassadors' asses lah... he speaks damn well and i actually thought i learnt something from him... the way he answered the questions makes him look damn pro, and quite rightly so, him being the minister of foreign affairs and all... and juz somehow, i seemed to pick this up from the talk: the way to have a fulfilling life, is to help others around you... maybe that's the purpose i've been looking for... its like it makes you feel damn good when you help others, and maybe thats juz wat i need... it juz gave me a purpose, and life didnt seem that gloomy anymore... of course i'm not saying that i'm gonna be like a mother teresa, but i'll try in watever way i can... and maybe thats the solution to not being so selfish, to put others b4 urself, and juz to help in watever way you can... on a completely random note, i found interest in genetics and i think its damn cool... geneticist, anyone?

i think this week has been damn turbulent, emotion-wise... really swinging from end to end, from death to hope, from misery to life... and somehow after all the tests, i dun feel as shiok as i thought i would... maybe its cuz i nvr put in that much effort and i dun deserve to feel shiok... or maybe its cuz i still have so much waiting for me to do, like oral defence (no running from this anymore), RE presentation and a whole load of other assessments next week... maybe its not yet time to feel shiok, but when it comes, i hope its gonna be one hell of a time... anyway, think i'll juz end here, still got one more day to go b4 the weekends, which i foresee is not going to be a fun one... til then, the best part of the week, soccer... peace...