"I just really need someone right now... I just want someone to tell me it’s going to be alright... I just want someone to make me feel better, make me forget about everything that happened today... I just want someone to be there for me... and then I thought of you... I still remember exactly what you wore, where we met and what we watched the first time we went out... then of course I remembered the times I treated you so badly... I remember the time at the restaurant, when I got up and left; when you cried... after that, I promised never to leave you alone again... well, I broke that promise... just like many others... so many other things happened between and after... my biggest regret is, that I never showed you how much I cared...

I know I can’t possibly ask for you to be there for me right now... simply because you can’t, physically and emotionally... I know that I have no right to ask for you... simply because I just can’t do that anymore... I know that it would be selfish of me to ask for you... after all the times I left you hanging, hoping I’d come through... I know that, for all the times you wanted me there, and for all the times I wasn't; you have every right to be cold and cruel... but I’m still going to ask for you, somehow, not to judge me... I’m going to ask for you to cheer me up, help me forget, and to be there... I know you can’t... and I know, I’ll be left hanging..." - Anon

this week was another insane week... just when you thought you survived the worse, life slaps you in the face again... to set the tone of this week, we had our APR (Academic Performance Report) last friday... when everyone else is comparing their marks and how close they were to another grade, i'm flat out shaken... its the first time in my whole ri life that i got GPA below 3... yeah, i mean there's a whole load of other people scoring worse than me and i'm probably juz overreacting but i juz dun give a shit, i'm the one thats screwing up right now, and it aint fun to be in that position... i mean, i'm damn disappointed and it feels like shit... i juz felt so much like a loser, all my grades are beyond recognition... izzit cuz of my attitude 2wards work and everything else? i keep saying that the grades arent as important as the learning process and the other things you pick up along the way, but it will nvr really hit you until you see the marks printed on that green piece of paper... you will nvr feel the hurt until you have those numbers define the type of person you are... and sometimes it true, how some people will just nvr understand how it feels like to be in a position like this, and i dunno whether to envy them or to sympathize them... it just down right feels like shit ya...

to make me feel more miserable and guilty, i got a new phone earlier this sunday... well apparently my parents know that i've been eyeing a sony ericsson phone 4 quite some time now, and they decided to get a brand new phone 4 me, since all of my previous phone have been 2nd hand... so this is like the weirdest thing, i'm not even happy i got the new phone, its almost as if i dun even want it... the timing is juz damn bloody screwed up... well the phone is great and all (its actually awesome), but i juz feel like i dun deserve it and it juz rubs salt into my wounds... and of course my parents dun know about my grades yet, if not i wouldnt even be doing this right now... i know inside i should be feeling more determined than ever to prove that i deserve the phone, to show my worth, but somehow i'm still stuck in that hole, still trying to overcome that shock... but could it be excuses for juz not wanting to put in that effort? for not having that self-discipline to strive for something i want? really, i have barely 6 weeks left til the end of the academic year... 6 weeks til history becomes history... 6 weeks til i start regretting? part of me wants to juz give up, but the other part wants to fight... i really wish i knew how to fight back, and somewhere inside me i can find the strength to... i want to believe i'm not alone, but can i really believe there will be anyone right beside me? i dunno, i just have to get my head straight and really start chionging... i know its going to be painful, but it will be over soon...

the worse is not over yet... so we had interhouse soccer today and i'm glad to say we fucked up... yes, WE FUCKED UP... juz felt so lethargic and drained... b4 that had some detention stuff, ending up packing goodie bags... when it finally came to the game, i juz didnt feel anything in me... screwed up all the kicks, absolutely no concentration at all and to top it all of, an own goal... nothing sums up all my troubles better than the own goal... from schools heroes to house villan... it was really such a failure i couldnt find a better word to express my disappointment... i was juz so tired after that i didnt have the mood to touch a ball anymore, so went to play brige 4 awhile... took my mind off the screw up abit and it was quite fun lah... somehow i should have seen it coming when during pe, my team had 4 shots that come back off the post, lionshare of the possession, and we still lost 1-0 cuz of a break away strike... one shot one goal, ever heard? yeah, thats football... man, like the week hasnt been bad enuff... it was juz such a draining and draggy week i nvr thought it would end... finally did my oral defence and guess wat, i screwed that up too... d'cruz was taking me apart b4 i even reached halfway into my presentation... i could feel everyone falling asleep on me, and the best part is that i dun even have a powerpoint... looking at everyone else's work, mine looks so haphazard and last minute, which in actual fact, wasnt... mine juz looked so amaturish while everyone else had their acronyms and wat nots... but i juz couldnt help but feel relieved after that... relieved, not happy...

the only highlight of the week was maths cct... i thought i was destined to fail but i passed... not only did i pass, i scored a 75%... thats like the highest i've ever scored for a single maths test is almost 2 years... wat a way to end off the maths CA of sec4... well, it was really a shocker 4 me... i nvr expect to pass much less to do reasonably well... then of course there's those that didnt do so well, and i've been there... juz know that there's a way out, we just have to find it... anyway, this gave me so much more motivation to kick serious ass this EOY... i feel excited (yes i actually feel excited) bout finishing that whole stack of maths revision worksheet... gonna do them slowly over the DMP period and really hammer the subject that i daresay has been one of my most significant subjects of '07... well, really other than that, juz hope to use the DMP periods to really chiong 4 the EOYs on the whole... i quote daniel, "every minute that your not mugging, remember that 500 other students are... even at 3 am in the morning..." (or something to that effect)... really, so i'm juz gonna work hard these last few weeks, make them good and lie to myself... pretend that this is really gonna make up for all the lost time, the lost grades and the lost satisfaction... like this is really gonna make up for all the times i regretted, the times i gave up, and the times i never fought... really, this might juz be the one and only remaining chance of even coming close... i cant say i've been proud of my achievements in the past 4 years in RI, i'll juz be another face to have come and gone through the gates that have produced the most brilliant people in singapore... but i'll be lucky to leave with my dignity and pride in place, cuz beyond that, my pockets are empty... i think i've juz went on about almost absolutely irrelevant stuff, but as far as saying things that should be said, i guess i've done all i can... there's still chinese next week so i guess that's the first step to setting it straight... time will not be a friend, it never has been... may this time, be the exception... peace...

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

RI Soccer Team '07

RI HCI United Shield Champions 2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE! 42 great years, with many more to come... and so another day has passed me by, juz like countless others... well its supposed to be the national day hols, the super long weekend everyone's been waiting for... but so far, i've effectively burned half of it (so how long was the weekend supposed to be again?)... wat's waiting on the other side of this is going to sweep the life out of me... there's bio cct, ss social doc and maths assignment all on mon, not to mention the long awaited RI vs HCI game... then of course there's the oral defence, maths cct, chem cct and RE oral presentation to follow... this is probably going to be the most painful 2 weeks in my sec4 life (i hope i dun speak 2 soon), but we're in here for a reason, and if this is anything to go by, we'll make it... its really going to be damn hardcore and there really is not enuff time, dunno how i'm gonna squeeze out every minute juz so i can TRY to cover everything...

2morrow's gonna start off with soccer training real early, preparing 4 the game on mon... i'm supposed to be really excited bout this game cuz this was wat we're all pulled together for, but somehow this game has been the last thing on my mind... was really anticipating this game, but right now i'd give anything juz to stall it, so monday will be as far away as possible for as long as possible... so anyway after training i'm gonna give the rest of my day to ss... its really not easy assuming the leadership position when barely anyone is behind you... its juz so tiring trying to work everything out on ur own... i'm trying so hard to tell myself that watever the result we've tried our best, but i juz cant help thinking this project defines wat kind of leader i am and if this thing screws up then i'm a screw up... i really wanna believe we'll do fine, but the way things are going, we'll really need to bring our A game if we're gonna make it... so 2morrow we're gonna stay til midnight to finish it if we have to, cuz we simply have no other choice... after that's outta the way, i'll have 2 days to prepare for bio (which i really cannot afford to flunk) and maths pt... and that's the other thing... i realised that no1 wants me in their group for any projects, and so i ask myself: am i really such a failure? ok so maybe i'm not a failure, then wat? i dun have friends? i'm gettin really sick and tired of having people calling out to their "friends" over my head asking for groupmates... the feeling juz sucks, and maybe this is why i need this ss project so badly to get some rep for myself... really i'm juz so tired of being the last one chosen, forced into groups or juz simply doing it myself... i've learnt 2 things from this: if you dun have thick skin, ur going nowhere and life's a bitch...

so moving on, went to watch the preview of bourne ultimatum last night and it was really great... the show was nice even though i seriously do not remember watching the first 2... only bad part of the movie was sitting in row 5 and really shaky filming... other than that, it was good... everyone juz seems to be out on national day eve, last year was the same thing... sometimes it juz makes you feel there juz izznt enuff space for everyone... managed to buy this mini-basketball set with the hoop and all while we were out last night, and juz couldnt stop playing 2day... haha, it was really quite cool and my sis has been eyeing it for quite some time now... its really fun for when ur really bored, but it screws up ur shooting form... lol... its all good... anyway, i've been thinking of closing down this blog 4 quite sometime now... dunno why, i juz dun see a point in carrying on... maybe i juz dun have the mood or the time to continue this place, maybe it juz doesnt have a purpose anymore... watever it is, we'll juz have to see lah... dun think i have much else to say already... lost the plot somewhere along the way... next few days gonna be killer, maybe i juz have to keep reminding myself wat we're all doing this for... but then again, wat ARE we doing this for?

rude awakening... i just got blasted by my teacher... shook me up quite abit, but i guess i'm not so much bugged out by her screaming at me, but more of the things she said that hit me in the face... i realised the reason i've been acting the way i am is cuz i'm too damn selfish, too irresponsible and lack that self-discipline... i mean i can't say i didnt have it coming, constantly giving snide remarks, being cynical about everything and juz basically complaining... it all juz boils down to me being to self-centered... its not the first time i've been told that, and somehow since the last time, things didnt seem to have changed... its a real tight slap across the face, i guess i deserved it but she could have done it in a nicer way... then again, had she done differently, i wouldnt have woken up and be thinking like this now... i realised i could account for almost all of my unpleasant actions to selfish-ness... my cynical remarks, my constant complaining, blaming everyone else but me... i nvr seem to realize everything i say is directed at someone else, but i'm oblivious to my flaws... its always someone else's problem, not mine... its always someone else who screwed up, not me... this time i screwed up, big... everytime i bitch about teachers, or i try to siam different stuff and all that, it was juz cuz i was only thinking bout me... i nvr spared a thought for others, their feelings... i juz did wat i wanted to and wat was in my best interest... there was this moment of realisation, that everything i did wrong could be accounted to selfishness...

then of course comes responsibility... i guess everything kinda links back to one another... i havent been doing my fair share cuz i'm always wanting the easy way out... but what about the other people who have been slogging their guts out, working probably twice as hard as i am right now, do i deserve the right to complain? maybe i juz need to let it all out constructively... it probably doesnt suck as bad to know i've been acting this way than to know that i'm not doing anything about it... i juz need to constantly put in the effort to think of others first, before i starting shooting off my mouth and doing all that kind of crap... this is not the person i want to become, i'm juz afraid that its too late and everything is set in place... i juz really hope its not too late, that i still have time to change and be a better person... its as if right now, i have everything laid out infront of me, waiting 4 me to make my next move... i guess i really owe my guys right now, for being the jerk that i am... somehow the feelings are numbed, but i dun think i owe her anything, cept for giving me this good right screwing to wake me up... i know things arent going to become better juz like that, and i think i'm gonna need some serious help if i'm ever going to get through... i really cant remember wat else i wanna say, i juz feel so tired... i wanna sleep, and hope this was all juz a dream... i'd wake up and have one more chance to put things right... i dunno wat to feel anymore... all that screaming and scolding has lost its meaning, and i'm afraid i've lost the ability to be good again... or at least the want to... i hope something from somewhere can hit me hard, and make me a better person... i juz need to find the courage to be one...

and i'm thinking, everything that happened was all because of me... now that i see the truth of it all... i still havent learnt my lesson... i nvr really did deserve you, not by being the person that i am... i really don't want to be that person anymore... not anymore...