i could see the sparkle in her eyes... she just seems so happy i couldnt help but smile... there was clearly something she was happy about, but i'm not too sure it was me... her gaze was so full of life, passion... it was almost as if there was something deeper, waiting to be uncovered behind those pair of eyes... it was the way she looked at me, and somehow it made me wonder... it felt like it was happening all over again... but i didn't want to believe it... i wish i could look into those eyes every morning and know that all i ever wanted was the love staring back at me... i know i couldn't... i just don't want to forget that look... that look, that made me feel, alive...

3 months... i cant believe it, its 3 more months... 3 months will fly by like nothing compared to the 4 years i've watched sail right b4 my eyes... i've been telling everyone that i cant wait to get out of RI, but somehow when i sit down and think, i'm really gonna miss it here... yeah, there were rough times, and there were good times as well... RJ is gonna be so intense, i'll probably not even have the time to enjoy wat i have now... this is the time where i live, enjoy being a kid, and everything else that comes with it... i dunno how i can love and hate a place so much all at the same time... it scares me, 10 years from now where will i be? wat will i remember, treasure? wat will i think of RI, my friends or even myself now? if i could choose the memories i wanna keep 4ever, i'd really have no clue which ones i'll choose... will it be bball? or 2C '05? or the teachers that made my life living hell? it really juz feels like yesterday i was in sec one, i could still remember where i sat, who i was with and wat i did on my first day... scary huh? everything else in between seemed to go by in a blurr, could only pick up bits and pieces of a broken, faded memory... i wish somehow i could go back and look at each and every memory, to know exactly wat i was thinking or how i was feeling, and i juz wanna rejoice in good times and regret in bad... but i know that every single thing happened and made me who i am right now... yeah, i know i would give anything to go back and change some of these moments, but i probably wouldnt, cuz thats life izznt it?

i really dunno wat i'm going to take away from this place... its definitely not going to be grades, and i doubt its going to be a memory of a teacher, at least not anymore... and then i think of my friends, who's going to be there in the end? who's gonna walk down this road with me, who's gonna be there 10 years from now? will we drift apart, and go our separate ways? i fear that, but i know it will happen... and somehow i feel afraid, scared, alone... are we so confined to human nature and the bare facts that even we, emotional beings, can't escape loneliness and solitude? izzit really us? but sometimes i wanna think of hope, of opportunity, of faith... maybe i'll still be taking to the same people 10 years down the road and we'd be laughing at ourselves when we look back at how childish and immature we were, how we heck care the world and live by our own rules, and how we stuck it through... maybe leaving this place is not so bad, there could be a nicer world out there... i guess this is part of growing up... we move on, we change our environments constantly, and we adapt... i really dunno why i'm doing this, or even feeling this way now... maybe its cuz i was juz reading kenneth's blog and wat he said really made sense... i have 3 more months to shape and change the memories i wanna keep with me 4 the rest of my life... no1 in the world can take away these 4 years and wat they have brought with them, every single day is not 4gotten, but cherished and given hope, that the next will be better... we're gonna have fun, and we're gonna go out with a bang... right now, grades dun seem to matter that much any more, when you see that there's still so much out there waiting for you to experience, and to remember... when the time comes, i'll leave with pride, honour and respect for the insitution that shaped a part of my life i can nvr 4get... until then, i've got 3 months to do wat i've not yet accomplish: to experience... to live life, like every breathe was meant to be taken... and when the time comes, i hope i'll be ready to leave, cuz i know it going to take alot more than juz moving on to pull me away from my memories, and from the place i want so desperately to 4get, but yet so dearly holding on... until then, i have 3 more months...

But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do.
I would gladly hit the road, get up and go if i knew,
That someday it will lead me back to you,
That someday it will lead me back to you.

But things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do.
Sunday morning rain is falling and i'm calling out to you.
Singing someday, it will bring me back to you.
Find a way to bring myself back home to you.

I'm just sorry I couldn't be a better me, for you.

and so the story goes, friday the 13th... not juz any friday the 13th, a 2nd one in the same year... and as all friday the 13th goes, this one lived up to its expections... first thing in the morning, had to be screwed over by OWL cuz of some dumb youth day appeal... it wasnt so much as losing the envelop, as it was not collecting the money, but it was more of the feeling of screwing up, again... i mean i havent been taking this thing very seriously, and i've been playing around in her class recently, so i'd bet she think i'm a bloody joker who izznt responsible... i know she has 2nd thoughts about me being monitor and all that kinda shit... i guess it was partly my fault cuz i was seriously playing a fool in her lesson and giving all kinds of nonsense that really doesnt make any sense, i havent been the best monitor as well so that kinda sums up the shit i'm in... but its like she has a problems against me like that, when you see her talking to zhihe or mark you dun get that kinda response from her... maybe she likes them better, watever... do i have responsibility issues? it seems that this problem has been popping up quite abit and i'm really starting to wonder if i wanna carry on this way... i'm giving all kinds of people the wrong impression of me... maybe i should wake up and do something right 4 a change... i should start off by taking this post seriously, and not talking nonsense in her class anymore... i'll juz frickin stone...

anyway, that wasnt the end of it... after that during pe, had this PMS dude take us 4 pe... seriously, he has PMS issues, big time... one moment he can be damn nice and he can go bonkers the next... its so much worse than CYH, cuz at least you know when CYH's gonna PMS but this guy you dun, plus hes a guy... moving on, played soccer halfway, he come dulan us ask us go keep judo mats, like its our friggin business... help him keep still not enuff must be so damn meticulous... anyway after soccer, saw darryl and found out his basketball got confiscated by the same f*****, which was inadvertedly caused by ivan... so i met ivan and realised that the bastard was being damn unreasonable, and ivan was pissed off oso... so now the whole world is damn pissed off... seriously this friday the 13th thing is gettin to me... so after that tried to help ivan and all, hope things can work out... after that maths was kinda normal... then we had physics, spent most of the lesson playing with sticks pretending to be harry potter... i think i'm going crazy... anyway, it was one of the most enlightening physics lessons i've had... i realised that HYT is a damn nice person and a really good one-on-one teacher... she will really teach until you understand... the only problem with her is that she cant control the class and she cant teach more than 4 people at a time, much less 32... anyway the 5 mins after lesson with her 2day gave me new hope 4 physics, and actually made me believe that i can make it work out if i gave it a try... at least she gives you some proper attention not like a few teachers i know... i might actually go look 4 her on thurs afternoons to teach me physics, at least to get through this year, then we'll see...

so after skul stoned around til darryl came and went gym, spent quite abit in there although i was looking for soccer... i realised i'm gaining weight like crazy... i seem to be gaining one kg every week... its really starting to scare me, i try to tell myself its muscle mass but its was too unreal... i think maybe cuz i've stopped growing and my body doesnt need all that extra nurients so it juz stores it as fats... and i'm not burning faster than i consume, in fact i consume faster than i burn, so i guess thats the reason why... 4 some weird reason i've been eating like a mad cow these few days, and all that food is going somewhere in me... thats the other problem, i'm 77kg but i cant see the fats... i dun see myself exploding or anything but i weigh like a minicar... anyway i think i really nidda start cutting down on my food intake and start doing some serious cardio to burn those extra kgs, in the meanwhile i wanna try to create my own gym routine to maximise my workout... now that the gym is practically available everyday, i can use it to my full advantage... hope i can take some tips from other people's routines and come up with a simple 1 of my own... anyway after gym went to play bball, which made me realize that gym screws up ur shooting... so played awhile randomly and had a little scrimmage with the sec3s, realise i'm damn out of touch and their still so much in shape... makes me believe even more that i'm degenerating, which is scary... after that was beat and went home alone...

so i've been listening to eminem's album (courtesy of yande, started listening yesterday) The Marshall Mathers LP... it was one of his earlier albums and i daresay his best... almost all of his songs in the album can own any other rappers tracks... i now know why they say hes is such a controversial rapper and why he somehow promotes violence and all that kinda perverted stuff... hes almost crazy, but the things is, i dig it... his songs juz seem to strike a cord in me, and throughout the whole of 2day i've been feeling his angst and agression, and it was somehow juz brought out in me... his emotions juz exploded in the songs and how he juz let the words take over... he was really violent and sick and vulgar in this album almost to a point where even i cant take it... but it was juz so good... there's something bout him that clicks with me on the inside, not to mention his amazing raps and rhymes... anyway, its really good but this album is not for the faint of heart... this is juz such a screwed up week, and juz as i was about 2 believe that skul was actually going to be ok... life juz wouldnt let me off, it juz wont me let go, would it? i have some dumbshit talk on course combi 2morrow which means another early morning... now i'm feeling so pissed off at the world, how ironic is it when i juz told tat wai to chill out and not stress juz yesterday? i'm not depressed, i'm juz pissed off, at what i do not know... sometimes i scare myself with my thoughts, if only i had the power to make them come true... once again i'm writing nuts long essay... i dunno how to stop this madness... maybe i should juz not write at all... for once, i'll wont end off with peace, maybe a little destruction and insanity would do the world some good, if it hasnt already...

its been a long time since i posted lyrics, but anyway this song juz suddenly popped into my head out of nowhere today... its such an old song, and i didnt even like it that much back then... it juz came to me all of a sudden, and i realised how painfully beautiful the lyrics are... it juz somehow fits somewhere... i know i would definitely be singing this song a year ago, but it seems the time has come a year too late... that's why i should nvr be exposed to love songs, ever again... beautiful song nonetheless, with even more beautiful lyrics... my favourite is the last part... go have a listen, and tell me you dun feel the same way...

Delta Goodrem feat. Brian McFadden
Almost Here

Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

[Chorus]
But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

[Bridge]
Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

[Chorus]

[Bridge]

But when I need you
You're almost here
Well I never knew how far behind I'd left you
And when I hold you, you're almost here
Well I'm sorry that I took our love for granted
And now I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause I know I'm almost here
Only almost here

well, on sat went for wok's wedding, and it was a real experience... i mean it totally changed my impression of marriages... i used to think that it was juz boring stuff with alot of ceremonial preparation in between, but not anymore... the whole ceremony was juz so, surreal... i dunno, i mean to me it felt that way... it was almost as if the whole thing was a fairytale and i'm juz caught up inside of it... the choir was singing hymns, with the piano and all... then there was the pastor and then the bride walking down the aisle, exchanging of rings and stuff... its sounds so old-fashioned but it was so beautiful... i mean the whole ambience, it was juz so amazing... and the newly wedded couple juz looked so happy, even though i didnt really know both of them so well (the bride was my teacher and the dude i have no relation with cept that he was oso from raffles), i knew that they were so lucky to have each other... and somehow through that it made me believe in love again, in hope... i want to experience something as perfect as that someday... yes, it was perfect... now i know why marriage is such a powerful bond, for those who uphold it... and i wonder how people take those words so lightly, so meaninglessly... only to end up with a divorce... it was one of the most enlightening experiences i've had in a long time, and marriage is one of the most beautiful things in the world... maybe i'm juz being naive, but i'll enjoy this fantasy until it fades... what people say is true: women look the most beautiful when they put on their wedding dress...

so anyway, that was the highlight of the weekend... after catching up a little with ms wok (aka mrs wang), went down 2 cuppage to play more pool and lan... wth, practically the whole class was there, even zf, darryl, and chris joined us at some point... the whole weekend was pretty much wasted on this, not much productive work done... and so came 2day, with maths TA on vectors... dunno why it seems like the whole world was talking about this when there were many other bigger TAs and stuff... it juz seemed really blown out of proportion... it was kinda ok given the amount of effort put in... but if i'm gonna be as slack 4 integration i'm as good as gone... oh damn, i juz realised i'm still writing damn long essays here, crap... ok time to cut down... so managed to catch transformer (finally), but once again i somehow manage to pangseh yande... anyway it was a great show, not mentioning the fact that megan fox (the hottest and most beautiful eyes ever) was starring in it... it lived up to all the hype (and possibly surpassed it?) so no let down there... and shia labeouf was absolutely magnificient... great show all around... oso realised that i've been spending alot of money recently... spent more than $120 in 4 days (which in my accounts are way off the charts)... feel kinda guilty cuz i spent so much money, damn... i shall cut down my spendings to make myself feel better, til i can splurge another day... ok think i wont say too much more, its only day1 of week3 and a full skul week to the weekends... so juz making things work til then... peace...

No matter how I deny or what I try to do,
there will always be a soft spot in my heart for you.
Sometimes I pray and hope it's true,
I just wish you have a spot for me too.

yeah man, its finally the end of the week... its been a damn long week, but looking back, time is really flying by damn quickly, its already end of term 3 week 2, b4 you know it the year will be over (ironic huh)... b4 i start becoming emo and say things i shouldnt say (like missing ri?), i'll move on to more important things like how tiring yet fulfilling this week was... so i managed to complete like hell lot of work (to me at least), and the feeling is damn shiok... beginning of the week was a mad rush of chionging all the work, but after that everything is damn relax already... i seriously nvr knew completing work ahead of time felt this good, maybe i should do this more often, or not... other than work, had my first bball training in more than 3 months with the J1s... it was really fun and really tiring... coach wasnt there so we trained ourselves and its really great 2 be back training with the guys... we may be a couple years older but some things juz nvr change... sometimes the company really changes everything, and its the people who make trainings alot easier to live by... i almost 4got how much fun playing bball with the guys actually was...

this week was a pretty smooth flowing week, and the reason why it felt so long (even though mon was a hol) was cuz i had so much to do... so after training on wed (which totally killed me), chionged home and watched the last episode of heroes! oh man, heroes is like the best show ever lah... the last episode was the real knockout punch, i juz couldnt get enuff of the whole story, from start 2 finish... and season 2 is going to be a long wait, damn... cant believe its actually over, now my wed nights will be so lonely (actually so are all my other nights, haha), wonder wat i'm gonna do til the next season.. then on thurs, after the super hardcore training on wed, went 4 soccer training... didnt really do much cuz we were tight on time but had 2 keep in touch with the ball... did a little shooting and stuff which was quite slack... after that went 2 buy myself a pair of soccer shoes, been waiting 4 it since 4ever... went down 2 novena to check out the sale (which was like supposed to be 70%?), but all the shoes there were like crap, and everything seems to have been taken up... then went down 2 pennisula to look, finally decided on a pair of $65 shoes which was quite reasonable, and i'm not going pro anytime soon so it will have to do... and its quite nice, if i dun say so myself... lol...

well i got 2 use it almost immediately 2day cuz 1st thing in morning we had soccer! haha... had a new pe teacher 2, whom at first i thought looked damn kp... but somehow i thought i felt something similar between him and me, and i thought thats probably how i'm gonna be like when i grow up... but after the lesson i realised that hes actually quite ok lah, and the worst part is that i might really grow up 2 be like him, wtf man... and so goes on with a damn slack day... even ksp gave us time off, and when he does that you know that the sun juz might not rise 2morrow, OR it could juz be a slack day... lol... chiou yen looked drunk and hung over 4 the 2nd straight day... she was really being damn high 2day, but shes really a super nice teacher lah... one that changed my impression the most... and she let us off a full 10 mins early (which definitely gives her plus points)... after skul went to buy wok's wedding gift: tangs vouchers (which i realised are actually damn good cuz the whole mall sells so many different things)... then went to walk with chee yang, ivan, eugene and leech... wandered around aimlessly 4 bout 30 mins b4 deciding to play pool... this time pool wasnt as great, but still enjoyable... i realised one thing i cant stand is when a group of guys and girls (esp squeaky, screamy girls) go and play pool 2gether... and its so much worse when 6 people squeeze in one table and try 2 play, AND when its like they've nvr seen a ball go inside a hole b4 and must cheer damn loudly 4 everyone 2 know someone pocketed a ball... i hope if i ever get the chance 2 play with girls, we dun ever become "this group" of people...

so after pool went back 2 gym with darryl and yande (and i spoilt my earphones during pool i think, which really pissed me off)... left yande alone again which really kinda makes me an asshole... well, now the gym is open 2 everyone, i can start saving alot of money, get really really strong (hopefully) and maybe be nicer to yande (random)... lol... AND ITS THE WEEKENDS! 2morrow is wok's wedding which is finally here... its so cool, 070707, hope i get a nice date 4 my wedding next time too... so anyway, looking 4ward 2 the wedding, can chill out and catch up with the bride... haha... and after that i'm going 2 play more pool! omg, its turning into a pool frenzy... but its really really fun and relaxing... so 2morrow is official chilling out day and i'm gonna start work on sunday... and i wonder, will you ever invite me to your wedding if you get married? hmm... anyway, there's harry potter and transformers that i wanna catch! everyone is saying transformer is damn nice so i really cant wait 2 catch it... and of course there's harry potter the movie and the book... its 2 weeks to the last book of harry potter and in a sense its the end that we're all waiting 4, yet we dun want it to come... so many things to look 4ward to in the coming week, which i'm sure will help ease the time... ok i think thats about all i can say, and i should really stop writing essays here... should be doing them in the classroom, damn... anyway 2morrow is some live earth concert at 7pm, which would actually be damn cool... dun mind catching it... ok i'm really going now... peace, switch...

Going to pool school