so 2day begins the first of 5 days of "hols" so called... went back 2 skul 2day 4 soccer trials, trying 2 get in2 a team of 23 who will be playing against HCI for the shield... it was quite fun actually, i'm surprised less than 30 people showed up... i thought there was going 2 be more extras around... so anyway, we (or should i say they) had a little circuit session b4 playing a full-pitch game... felt that i had a good run during the game, although it was under the friggin hot sun again... feel it coming back 2 me, and i must say the feelings are damn good... there were a few big guns around and it feels pretty good 2 play against and along side them... well, the selections are outta my hands and i hope they choose the best 23 irregardless, cuz its not about pulling strings, but its about handing out some serious ass-kicking... haha...

so anyway, i'll be pretty occupied the next few days... rushing holiday homework! i cant believe how much i'm regretting right now 4 not having done at least some of the work during the hols so that now i wouldnt be faced with so much crap... i'm practically stuck at home the next few days juz so i can get started on my homework (note: getting started and completing are two VERY different things)... for the first time in a long time there's actually some urgency to get stuff done, but sadly, i'm still drawing blanks... sometimes i really wonder how the hell i can waste so much time away not doing a single thing, and the best part is i dun feel a thing about it... its like i'm losing that will to work hard or even work at all... its almost as if i dun care about wat happens anymore... complacent or juz plain lazy? anyway i know it will feel one helluva good once i get everything done (or close to) so i guess i should juz really get down to doing work no matter how painful it maybe, juz looking 4ward to some relax time after that (but then again, now that skul has started will there ever be time for relaxation?)...

well the first few days of skul have been somewhat darkened by a few shocking events... first of all there's this dude who jumped off the fifth floor of SR block on the FIRST day of skul... on the first friggin day, at like 730 in the morning? its barely been 10 mins into the 2nd semester and already someone jumps, doesnt bode very well does it? but i'm in no position 2 judge, all i can say is may the dude have a speedy recovery, hope he does fine... on other news, there's the RJ dude who passed away after completing a triathlon, a day b4 skul reopened? i dun personally know the guy but its quite sad 2 hear that someone so young from the raffles family died... sometimes i think it could have been anyone of us, but thats juz too negative... its so juz sad to know that he was on his way to the SEA games, but didnt have the chance to... and probably the biggest shocker of all, famous wrestler chris benoit killed his wife and son, then committed suicide... the double murder-suicide is wat they are calling it... it came all too sudden 4 me... i juz couldnt understand how and why a normal guy would wanna kill his family then kill himself... he was one of my favourite wrestlers lah... i'm juz waiting 4 the details of the case cuz i really cant wrap my brain around this one...

talking about dark times, i must say that i've become a very cynical person... this has so gone far beyond pessimistic, its almost as if i hate life... i mean i realised this when i was talking 2 someone i've not talked 2 for a very long time... i can remember the last time we had a nice long talk and we juz talked about stuff, anything... and it was so much more innocent and carefree... but now i can feel that i'm almost killing myself with the words i'm saying... i juz cant seem to move away from how painfully sucky life is (as true as it is)... jaded is right... its like i've been 2 the dark side and back, been through darker times... sometimes i feel so empty inside and i cant remember the last time i've truly been happy... and somehow everything else is going down with me, like my work, discipline etc. i feel like i'm dissing the world with every thought and i feel so emotionless, or maybe i juz cant word it... i'm juz so tired of living in this cold world... i take a gun to someone's head, and aim for my brain... i think i've juz become so tired of living this life, i dunno wat to do anymore... i juz dunno wat i'm doing...

on a side note, i juz hate people who like to fucking screw other people over... thanks alot, cuz without you people, we might juz have world peace... so keeping on doing watcha doing cuz everyone in the world really appreciates you stuck up pieces of shit... really, thanks...