well, i've juz been feeling really messed up inside lately... juz dunno how 2 really get it all down, and its juz all stuck somewhere between my head and my mouth (or in this case my fingers)... i juz read shawn's post in on the CYH incident, and after that i felt quite bad... i mean after gettin the call from CYH, and having a rather long chat (half the time i was trying 2 phrase myself in chinese, seriously my china cannot make it), i'm beginning to think it might not really be her fault? it was blown up cuz of the way she handled the matter, and cuz i kinda lost my cool... i mean at that time i felt that i put in so much effort juz to get my work done (chinese in particular), handed up on time (i'd try) but in the end it still amounts to nothing... yes the marks are one thing, but they aren't everything... i was pissed off cuz my efforts are for nuts... its like maths, i've got a change of teacher, paying more attention in class and actually gettin the hang of it, but i'm still failing? practice more and blah and blah, where have i heard them all before? the feeling juz sucks ya...

anyway, the chinese thing juz really summed up my fucked-up-beyond-all-cause sec 4 life up til now... i really felt i hit rock bottom... but then i think again, and i realised that maybe i did over react a little and i let my emotions get the better of me... to be fair, i guess i was being difficult at that time, and it wasnt really the appropriate way to handle things... and i do feel a little sorrie... but still, i believe she could have done it in a nicer way, in a less antagonising manner, cuz her i'm-a-friggin-teacher-so-you-can-eat-my-shit attitude is really starting 2 get to me... i think to myself, izzit really cuz of the marks or izzit something more? maybe the thing that's been eating away at me deep down inside is that i've been damn slack... i've been sleeping weekends away, pushing projects til the last minute, not revising my work when i could have done them all, given the time i have now... i'm still not gettin any of it done... i know that my only reassurance of my EOY grades is that, watever it may be, i've done my best... but the question is, have i done my best? depression, feeling sorrie 4 myself and that kinda nonsense are juz excuses... i really believe there is still time 2 make it all up, but how am i gonna get myself to start working? i juz feel so crappy about everything cuz i've not been working hard, or as hard as i should be... now i'm really beginning 2 doubt how satistfied i will be with my year when the end comes, but like i said, there's still time...

am i weak to be missing you after so long? i admit, i do... and i admit, i think its downright dumb... but i ask myself why? the reason is i've never really been happy after you left... this sounds so "johnny", the classic sad emo story... i think i've heard myself say this 2 many times b4... i thought i was doing fine without you, in actual fact, i never really accepted it, i just ran away... always the easy way out... i feel so pathetic and useless, and thats maybe why you left me in the 1st place... sometimes i wonder if someone out there is feeling like i do, sometimes i wonder if that someone was you? i dun even know why i'm saying this, but i juz thought i needed to know... i needed to know that i'm not coping with this, so that i could either wither and die, or stand up and fight it... i really dunno wat i'm going 2 do about all this... sometimes i wish i had a second last chance... sometimes i'd wish i had a hug... right now, i juz need to take care of myself, take care of the things i need to do... be the best i could be for myself, so that i could be the best for you, if i ever got the chance... right now, i'm not worthy for you cuz i'm in a mess, but when the time comes, i will be... maybe its not going 2 be you at the finishing line, but you're the only one i see behind that line, and that going 2 be good enuff 4 me... dun give up on me, not juz yet...

Baby why can't we start over again
get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance i could love you right
but you're telling me it won't be enough

Baby i will wait for you
cause i don't know what else i can do
Don't tell me i ran out of time
if it takes the rest of my life

Baby i will wait for you
if you think i'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
no matter what i have to do i'll wait for you

I'll be waiting