its the end of week 1 and i dunno whether to rejoice or surrender... this week felt so draggy and nvr ending, took so long just for friday to come, and there's still 9 more weeks to endure... at the rate this is going, june will probably nvr come... well guess it was so friggin slow cuz there was really nothing much going on, cept 4 soccer (quite abit of it) and bridge... wed was soccer til about 5 plus, then on thurs played bridge the whole afternoon only to make it home in time 4 dinner, and when fri finally came around it meant even more soccer... so yesterday after moor house meeting, went 2 play a little bball with ivan, darryl and christian... i realised my bball now cannot make it (4 watever reason), either that or ivan is damn good... anyway, played awhile then after that went to play soccer... quite nice having the 2C peps back again (or at least some of them)... played with a group of indian dudes and our lack of chemistry showed when we were gettin owned, after that we pulled back thanks 2 sheer class but it remains that team football is much better than a one-man-show... after we took control of the astro (seriously quite shocking, usually you wouldnt even have space to breathe on the astro on fridays, dun even talk about soccer), had somewat all-stars match, got hakim, benji, paul sim, daryl teo and some GEPers... continued playing all the way til 6 with some bridge in between... was seriously wiped and had weird tans again (although i cant remember the sun being particularly strong), slept the whole night through...

sometimes i wonder if i'm a bad friend... its like on wed when ivan couldnt play soccer cuz the stuck-up paul tern was like all over his case, i juz continued playing leaving him alone (but of course after that he went to look 4 ms cho lah, which means that i still have 2 kill him), then on fri all the 2C guys were all damn sian and dropped out like christian, even ryan teo was sian lah (if ryan teo is sian of soccer, you know something is wrong)... i dunno if i'm letting all these small things get 2 me but sometimes i really wonder if i'm being a bad friend... and maybe its more than juz that... this week marks the start of the nike league, which i'm sadly not a part of (i think in one of my previous post i talked about not wanting 2 join the league, becareful wat you wish for)... and somehow i feel distant from the team... i realised that other than bball trainings, i almost nvr see the guys in skul... its really quite tough being the only one not there, and its not any easier with the team dynamics... it juz feels like shit this week 4 bball, even though i'm not any part of it (weird how bball gets to me even though its almost non-existent?), seriously dunno how i'm gonna make it through... it sounds really stupid cuz one moment i'm sian of bball and i'm missing it the next... maybe i was too quick to jump the gun and say that i'm definitely gonna join bball in RJ... the more i think of it, the more i wanna do something new... maybe i wanna try something new with the people i enjoy being with, not something i've been doing 4 so long i cant even remember why i'm doing it, and not with the people i say one thing but feel entirely different...

its like i'm running away, from reality or wat ever... its like i dun wanna see certain people in skul, i dun wanna talk 2 them cuz i dunno wat to say... its like i'm ashamed of seeing them, afraid, yet i dunno wat i'm afraid or ashamed about... its like i wanna hide from all these people, wish i could change skul juz so that i dun have 2 see them... it gets so bad that sometimes i wonder if it'll be better if i juz had a whole switch of friends... new people, new environment, new place... juz so that i could start afresh, so that other people wont have a pre-judged impression of me... so that i dun have 2 be someone i'm not... if i could i wouldnt wanna go RJ, cuz i'll be seeing the same people again, maybe some other JC... but then again, when i think of everything i'm leaving behind, all people i FEEL i have real relationships with, then i would have answered my question... somehow its been a really down week in a sense cuz i'm gettin stressed out by all these "small" things... juz when i told someone not to let all these things get to them and life would be better; looks like we're the same after all... i dunno, maybe i'm juz tired of all this, i juz wanna be me... and the only few people i can really be myself around are the only ones i really hang out with right now... why am i such a sad case? i look at other people and i tell myself i dun ever wanna be like them, all fake and empty inside, but izznt that wat i'm feeling right now? hai, this is so miserable, and this post wasnt even meant 2 be a sad, sappy emotional one... it juz turned out to be... well, i guess so much 4 that, dun think its wise 2 continue... really, i think all of this it gettin 2 me, now i feel damn stressed... i need someone 2 talk to... ok, i should really end b4 i snap... peace...