b4 anything else is 2 be said, its 1st of dec and half of the hols are over... its turning out 2 be like every other hols that i can remember, dunno where the hell my hols went, only 2 seek comfort in knowing that there's still 1 month left b4 skul begins again, and that there's still 1 month 4 me 2 do anything 2 save this hols from turning into a disaster it already is... well juz came back from malaysia yesterday and its good 2 be back home again... i guess the trip is more of a self-realization journey than anything else, it surely wasnt team bonding (4 me at least) and it definitely wasnt relaxing... the trip told me alot about myself and the team, and the truth hurts sometimes... first and foremost, i must admit that i am a liability to the team, a burden and the weakest link... coming off the back of really poor games in singapore b4 leaving 4 malaysia, i was hoping that the trip will do anything but remind me of the not-so-great games here, but remind me it did... i really dunno wat is going on, i dunno why everything is turning out like this, and i sure as hell dunno how 2 solve it... there were time when i felt like taking the easy way out and give up, but i wont... i know i am a liability 2 the team, and i'm wondering where all the good times went, but more importantly i wanna change cuz this feeling sucks...
and wat suck even more is that i feel like an outcast... clear lines have been drawn within the team and its juz not the same as b4... i'm not asking 2 be the center of attention but the feeling of being left out totally sucks... wat happened 2 the team i can count on? wat happened 2 the team who would be there 4 me watever? i juz dun feel at home with these people anymore... maybe it is because of my underperformance or maybe it is cuz of this that i underperform, but watever it is, it sucks... this kind of things you juz dun 4get overnight, and its not going 2 be easy 2 come back from it, and somehow i'm beginning 2 see that maybe this is juz not my place anymore... the more i think about it, the more i wonder why i should do so much 4 someone (or some people) that dun give a fuck about me? haha, it sounds so much like a joke, but it cant be further from one... maybe everything that is happening are signs, telling me i should let go and move on... knowing myself, i hold on 4 far 2 long and it gets worse than it should be, but izzit really time 2 let go? i really feel like pushing the blame onto others (who likes taking the blame?) but there's no point... i realised that i'm very self-centered, something that has hit me more than once b4, and maybe it is the cause of all the unpleasant stuff... i should try being less of an asshole, but if that doesnt work then maybe it really is time 2 give up and move on... i juz feel so outta place cuz i've put my heart and soul into the bball team, but right now the bball team is the last place i wanna be... where were the friends i once had? where were the brothers i once had? where was the family i never had?
maybe its time 2 move on, but moving on seems kinda far from my mind right now as it drifts back 2 exactly one year ago on dec 1st, 2005... sometimes its juz not that easy 2 move on, especially from something you feel so much for... but then again since when did feelings count for very much? everything starts out perfect and beautiful, innocent and pure... and on this day one year ago i remember experiencing all of these... it felt like nothing could go wrong in the world, like all the hatred and loss have been erased, like love was the only feeling... the feelings were raw and pure, not much more you can ask for... i guess you probably 4gotten about all of this, but its nice 2 remember wat life can truly be in the midst of everything thats happening right now... i'll lock these moments in my heart til i can find a better place 4 them, and 4 you... well, i'll keep dwelling on these little things, cuz its the little things that are the hardest 2 4get...
lots are going 2 be happening this remaining hols, kinda hope i have enuff time 4 everything... well there's still the combined skuls trip 2 thailand awaiting, really think thats gonna suck even more but i'm keeping an open mind cuz after that my load would be dropped and life is free again... there's oso gonna be a (rather big) family trip 2 malaysia in the last week of dec, which means its going 2 be a christmas out of singapore, not much happening around here anyway... and nick (cousin from malaysia) is coming down next week 2 take a test 4 admission to HCJC... really excited about that, but it clashes with the moor house chalet so i think i will give the chalet a miss... hope nick can get in2 HCJC (although i wouldnt mind if he could get into RJ), another brudder in town... lol... well, nothing much else i wanna say, been a long week with combined skuls again 2morrow, so i think i'll juz end here... hope 2morrow is a better day, peace...
is time enough to forget someone?
