Goodbye 2006

1st of all, i must say its great 2 be back home! it was one hell of a mad time in malaysia and it was friggin awesome! lol... well, it seemed like 8 long days but i didnt regret it one bit... the 1st few days were spent with relatives from my dad's side (not much but more than enuff), took a coach down to KL with my cousins and uncles and aunts and all... it was those super luxury coaches so it was pretty cool, had those super big seats and stuff... although the bus ride was 8 friggin hours long, the experience was great cuz i dun get that many bus rides... so did a little shopping in the heart of KL up til christmas, didnt buy alot but i felt guilty enuff buying all the stuff i bought, like more shirts (which i have even MORE of yet 2 be worn) and more shorts (well, tough 1 but still very guilty)... i know shopping is not exactly a guy thing but its nice once in awhile... shopping til ur guilty? not good in every sense of the word so i've had my fill 4 now! it was kinda first time travelling with my relatives and it was a great experience, had a great time with my cousin whom i nvr get 2 speak 2 4 almost a year and all the other fun stuff, hoping this kinda thing happens more often... so bade my relatives on my dad's side goodbye on christmas day and moved on to my relatives on my mum's side... this is where all the actions really starts...

so spent a good couple of days with my cousins (my other cousins) and really did quite abit... ate alot of good food (i mean ALOT), so much food that i think i nidda do some serious working out now... got alot of songs 2, had a good amount of my time infront of the com simply looking at the songs, i was practically in music heaven... i didnt know wat i missing out on... lol... so that was definitely 1 big plus... spent alot of time hanging out with my cousins, as in really hanging out... it juz feels so great 2 be around family that are as good as ur friends... they are really great guys, great friends and almost like a brother i nvr had... really chilled out, wont 4get all the talks we had in the middle of the night, juz talking and emptying our hearts and our minds... it was a really good break from everything here in singapore, left all the problems and worries behind, nvr once let it bother me, cuz quite frankly it was really hard 2 think about the bad stuff in such great company... there were good times, and there were bad... well, my grandfather had a stoke on the day that we left after visiting him... nvr really got 2 know how he was doing after that but i hope hes doing ok... heard he was doing better but had no control over his right side, praying he'll get well in the quickest time... my aunt izznt feeling very much better oso, think her stomach is acting up on her again... she was trying 2 be strong the whole time my family was stayin over at her house, but sometimes you could juz see the pain on her face... so much so that it hurts... its been awhile but may she be blessed and recover soon... one other (rather) big disappointment was that my cousin didnt manage 2 get in2 HCIS... he was given the option of going through a 9 months crash course in HCIS b4 being put in2 the education system proper but it was too much a waste of time... so he will be starting the new academic year in malaysia b4 flying off 2 NZ in 2008 for 4 years... well, i could feel the disappointment in his eyes and the frustation on his face... sometimes its not really someone's fault, sometimes maybe its juz not that way, but you have 2 understand how a man feels sometimes... i guess he has 2 suffer another year in malaysia b4 he finally gets his wish of leaving the place but i'm juz wishing him the best, its probably the last year i'll see him until after my NS so i'll juz make the most of it...

talking about the lasts, 2day is the last day of 2006 (how can i possibly 4get that)! alot 2 think about, alot 2 ponder over and sure as hell alot 2 remember... so much happening in 2006 that i dunno where 2 start, and if i'd start i wonder if i would ever stop... it was an experienced filled year... one where lessons were learnt, one where hearts broken and promises made, and one where everything is 2 live for... i really dun think i can sum everything up in juz a few simple lines, but all i know is this: it was one hell of a journey, one that has yet 2 end, one that is juz about 2 begin, but as for the roads that have led me here, have changed the way i am about 2 walk the paths ahead... i think of all the lessons that i think i've learnt, there's one i wanna remember 4ever; a simple change in mindset can change the whole world... durin this last week of hols, not once did i brood over wasting my time in malaysia when i could be better spending it some place else... not only because of the company, but also because i told myself to enjoy watever i have... not 2 think about it and juz go 4 it, enjoy wat i have and juz be happy... and happy i was... when my cousins and i took a trip sunway lagoon, i could've sworn it was my biggest nightmare... i wasnt exactly the biggest fan of theme park rides but i said heck it, i'm going 2 have fun... it was really the 1st time i went 4 all those mad rides, and it was a blast... given any other time, and any other mindset i would've juz wasted my day at the theme park, but i went 4 it, played my heart out and did things i nvr thought i could do... as simple as that, a simple change in heart, a change in the way you see things could do miracles... it may not seem much, but 2 me it changed the world...

and that is why i feel that this is the most fruitful week in all of the 8 weeks of skul hols... i may not have done work at all during this time (damn, i'm pissed at myself... wat kind of clown says one thing and does another? a jerk, i am), and i may not have really rested my body very much (staying awake at 3am every night 4 2 weeks is not healthy 4 the body, let my pimples speak 4 me), but my mind is clear and my soul refreshed, awaiting the new year... there's so much i wanna talk about missin 2006 and everything that has happen, reminiscing the past because i know it will nvr come back, but 4 1 time this year (and probably the most apt time), i wont... because i'm looking 4ward to 2007... i know it will be another day, another year 4 me 2 leave a mark... do wat i wanna and make a difference, because there will be no better time... maybe this time i'm clearer on wat i wanna do about my life in 2007, i've walked roads that i can safely say no other 15 year old has trodden, and if thats anything 2 go by, 2007 will be a better year... not only do i look 4ward 2 another year with my friends, accompanied by the work and more work, i look 4ward 2 be able 2 accomplish things i nvr even thought of trying... i wanna get my 3.6 GPA, i wanna play better bball, i wanna become stronger, i wanna be a better friend, i wanna be a bettter man... so much in so little time, maybe i'm thankful that 2006 is over because that means i have a whole new year to work on wat i couldnt do in this past year...

words are not enuff 2 capture my feelings right now, as much as i wanna look ahead i cant help but turn around... i really have so much i wish 2 say, but i know it will mean nothing as soon as the words appear on my screen... maybe its best i dun think about it now, 4 i know i am not strong enuff 2 hold myself back... maybe its best to look ahead into the future, 4 the past can only hold painful memories... maybe its best to leave it all behind and 4get, 4 that is the only way i know how... maybe its juz best that way... woah, that dunno where that came from but there goes... nothing written without thoughts and emotions (maybe a little too much sometimes)... and talking about too much, this is juz about the longest single post i've ever written... haha... every reason 2 be proud, even if i'm going 2 be the only clown to read it again and again... so juz some random info right now: this afternoon at 1600hrs was the first time in 3 weeks i've slept in my bed and it smelt a little moldy (haha, if you get my drift)... and i juz watched a night at the museum juz a couple of hrs ago! it is seriously a really great show, light-hearted and a wonderful movie 2 round off 2006... wouldnt have picked any other show 4 the last show of 2006! argh, i juz cant stop saying the last something of 2006! lol... well, it really is the last of the last of 2006 already, and (thankfully) i think i've come 2 the end of the last post of 2006... think i've said everything 2 my heart's content, and i'll juz end off with one very memorable line by the wax figure teddy roosevelt (robbin williams) in A Night At The Museum: "I am only made of wax, what are you made of?" peace and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Hello 2007

well, its been sometime since i last blogged so its gonna be quite abit... so came back from thailand on tues afternoon and i have 2 say everything went along quite well... i wont say that the trip was perfect or i enjoyed it totally but looking at the positives, it was a trip well spent... got 2 know so many more people better, like chee siang, andrew, hong kwang, macus, jiarong and gang... really a funky bunch of guys, great 2 be around with man, made my 5 days a hell load easier... think on a whole the interaction was superb and the team really came 2gether quite well, not exactly a relationship that you can build overnight but 1 thats good enuff 2 remember... think the deepest impression has got 2 be chee siang, a really cool guy and all, nice 2 be around and juz be urself... lol... there were other parts of the trips not so memorable, like the travelling (cuz i was sleeping almost 3/4 of the time) and stuffs... the games could have been better but i've got everything i need... juz watching the games taught me things i would never learn in singapore (like chicks who can throw full court passes!!!)... and the last game (which we sadly lost, lowering our record to 3-1) was one of the most memorable 1s, didnt play much (although i sank a 3, miraculously) but the team played well and i got a chance 2 see fighting spirit and how 2 play a team far superior than you... it was a real basketball game with a top class team, playing the way we're all aiming to... i must compliment danny for an absolutely amazing performance throughout the trip, playing like a real player that he is, with him (and hopefully the rest of us) hitting top form, we're going 4 it... overall a wonderful experience, dun regret going at all, one 2 remember 4 awhile... (damn, the pics are with andrew and i havent gotten them yet, was supposed 2 put them up but i guess there's always the next post)

onto 2day... went out with the girls and az 4 lunch at nydc, had great fun... kinda begged my parents 2 lemme out and they did so it kinda makes up 4 the other time lah... my cousin had his tests so i could chao, and went down 2 orchard... well got there kinda late but the girls were no where in sight oso... finally met up and went 2 nydc, az met us later and turned out he was at borders!!! kinda stoned at the place while the girls ate, couldnt eat 4 nuts cuz of my braces (had them tightened juz yesterday)... shortly after az came, tat wai oso joined us from training... stoned at the place 4 like damn long b4 finally moving off... walked around aimlessly b4 az left 2 meet danny and kevin, leaving me and tat wai with the girls (gourie oso left already so only left the 2 steph/stef and jan)... walked 2 heeren and decided 2 take neoprints (damn random), thats where the fun juz started... so took neoprints with tat wai and the girls and ended up sabo-ing stef and david 4 some "unknown" reason oso lah... haha, it was quite funny but after that kinda apologised 2 tat wai cuz felt quite bad lah, but it was juz 4 pure fun (he didnt mind 2, hahahaha)... yeah, so after that tat wai went off and i went off 2 meet az, kevin and danny 4 christmas shopping... actually they were the ones who were shopping, i juz stoned and followed them... wanted 2 get a CD but decided against it lah, not wise 2 spend aimlessly (unless its 4 someone else)... so we shopped around 4 bout another hour b4 i went home empty handed... got home and went out again 4 dinner b4 coming back (again), rushing 2 pack my stuff... finally done and online 1 last time b4 going off 2 malaysia...

well, looking at this trip 2 malaysia, there's lots 2 think about... like the sianness of the remaining of my hols disappearing along with this trip, not being in singapore 4 christmas, the start of the new year and thinking back on this past year... but i'm not going 2 think about any of that cuz its juz better that way... i wont give myself time or space 2 think about all the unhappy stuff... juz going there and have fun 1 last time watever way i can b4 2007 arrives... like wat az said, gotta treasure these time witcha family, and its true... so i'm leaving 4 malaysia 2morrow morning, still with work at the back of my mind, and scratching my head over how my 8 week juz disappeared juz like that... not much more i want 2 say, juz going 2 spend the last days of 2006 plain and simple... some really random thoughts in my head right now, dunno why i'm even thinking about it but its juz filling my head right now... somehow juz cant get it off my mind but i'll juz have 2 find a way... think i'll end here, tryna be happy with watever situation i'm placed in... hope i'll come back in a better state of mind, embracing 2007... peace...

ok so i'm here 2 complain... 1stly, i dunno wat the hell is friggin wrong with my friggin parents... dunno why they juz suddenly ground me on thurs and dun lemme go 2 sentosa with the rest of the guys... that is absolute bullshit, and i still dun understand the reason behind their decision up til now... i was so fucking pissed when they said no? 4 no rhyme or reason, but i should have seen it comin when they didnt lemme go 2 tat wai's church thingy... the most annoying thing is not that i cant go (a large part is cuz i was really looking 4ward 2 it), but why they can juz dun allow me 2 go out without any reason? i mean everyone has got bad days but do you really have 2 take it out on me? wth did i do 2 deserve this? i juz dun get the reasoning behind all this, which makes it so much more frustrating... i cant do shit about it now so i'll juz have 2 accept it, plus i'll be fucking rotting at home 2morrow guys, spare a thought...

the more i think about it, the more pissed off i get, so i'll not think about it and move onto my 2nd point, which is why my sis has 2 have such a friggin big mouth? see, i was complaining about it 2 my sis juz this afternoon (cuz frankly i dun have anyone else 2 complain 2, or anyone who gives a shit), was telling her how pissed off i was and everything... didnt think she'd understand but it felt better after i let it all out... so i went 2 sleep after having this major headache (which i still have now dammit), when i woke up and had dinner my sis told me that she told my father i was pissed off about not going 2 sentosa... i was thinking shit i'm screwed lah... why the hell would she wanna rat out on me 2 my dad? the best part is that she doesnt even know that by her telling my dad i'm fucked... so i'm thinking she didnt do it intentionally, fair enuff... but then again, a little common sense would have solved everything right? all she had 2 do was use a little common sense, a little common friggin sense... so now i'm fucked... i was trying very hard 2 keep everything in cuz that almost tipped me over the edge... i guess i've been a little hard on her and givin her shit at times but this is no way 2 get back at me right? retribution? anyway i've juz decided 2 give her the "silent treatment", besides my head was about 2 split open... slept again til about 1130 and realised my dad didnt do anything 2 me (i woke up in one piece)... so i was kinda relieved, but still thinking about how screwed up my life is... wat a way 2 top it all off, after gettin screwed over by my parents i get screwed over by my sis, anyone else wanna join the line?

well, after thinking over it with a little more sense, i kinda realised that its not exactly my sis fault... its not because she's only 10 (still, she's already 10, friggin use common sense lah), but cuz she's the only one there 2 take my crap... which brings me onto point #3, are blogs a place where only you can have rights to and dump your feelings or are they 4 your friends and everyone else to see? well, i kinda thought about it after reading someone's blog and i felt it was really quite applicable to me in a sense... i mean, i use my blog 2 dump my feelings and emotions and thoughts all at the same time... and 4 someone like me with an excess in all 3 departments, a blog is somewhat a good place 2 store everything... then comes the issue of it being public, which then leaves it in the open 4 other people 2 judge, make comments and have impressions of you... most importantly, a place that belongs 2 you, no longer does... dun get me wrong, i have nothing against people coming 2 my blog and reading my stuff, but its juz an issue faced by some people... 4 me, i use this place 2 crap juz about anything, its like a friend i nvr had, someone who would always be there 2 listen 2 you and take your rubbish, and not complain or talk back... its like a listening ear when you juz need someone 2 listen... and i feel thats the only way i can get my heart out in a society like 2day, where everyone has their own things 2 do and their own problems 2 deal with... no matter how good someone maybe, how willing they are 2 listen 2 you, they are still human and they have their own problems and troubles... so who's gonna listen 2 their problems? and i'd probably be gettin emo over trivial stuff and small matters, so why waste someone else's time when it could be more spent more worthwhile? in a blog, its like you throw yourself out into 2 the open hoping someone who cares will sympathize with you, but thats about it... i get everything off my chest into the blog, and my objective is complete, but if there's a caring soul out there who feels 4 me, all the better, and in a way i got a listening friend inside a "friend"... so i dun mind having my thoughts read out loud, or my emotional state of mind discussed, but watever i choose 2 put up, i have done so with prior knowledge and the consequences that follow (like the Juliet thingy, not smart but i have 2 deal with it)...

so after all that bullshit, at the end of the day i realised that its not my sis's fault that i somewhat got screwed over... in fact i should be thanking her 4 listening 2 me? she's the only one that does nowadays anyway... there was a period of time when i didnt blog cuz i felt there was no need to... i had someone who would listen 2 my problems, whom i thought would always be there 4 me... i thought it was perfect... i didnt have 2 share my feelings with the world, cuz i had already done so with the person i want 2 share it with the most... she wouldnt judge me if i were right or wrong, she didnt feel that i was wasting her time, she was someone i could spill my heart out to... i had all of that once, but there's no point going into stories again right now... i was a fool and juz nvr knew wat i had... so ya, i kinda miss having someone 2 talk 2, like old times, no strings attached... sometimes, friends juz dun quite cut it, yeah we talk but how often do we go below the surface? how often do we talk about things that you wouldnt talk about with anyone else? how often do we judge with no mind and be, a friend? hai, all this has juz gotten me spiralling downwards again... not good, heeding words of wisdom, and i shall not think anymore... wat has been said, has been said, and no more... well, i dun think i'll be bloggin again til i come back from thailand on tues (which is kinda why i'm feeling so sian right now), so i'll juz wish all those going 2 sentosa 2morrow a fun time... wish i was there 2... before i end off (still no pictures!), juz thought i'd put down my current mp3 playlist 4 fun... really like all the songs in there (not all new but nice nonetheless), and they say you can tell a person's mood by what songs he's listening to... can you tell how i'm feeling? or wat kinda person i am? peace...

Now Playing:
Juliet - LMNT
Far Away - Nickelback
You Don't Know - Eminem feat. 50 Cent, Cashis & Lloyd Banks
Back At One - Brian McKnight
Baby I'm Back - Baby Bash feat. Akon

hai, another sunday gone out the window juz like that... shit, there's only 3 more weeks left til skul starts!!! havent done anything watsoever, and all my promises fall short once again... spent the whole of 2day at my grandparents place, was supposed 2 be there playing ps but ended up sleeping almost the whole day lah... i seriously think i biological clock is messed up... now, at night i dun feel sleepy til about 3am in the morning, and i'd be online from like 10 plus every night? my eyes are killing me but i'm juz not sleepy and i juz cant sleep... then i wake up like 8 or 9 in the morning, half dead... stone about like a friggin zombie til afternoon then i sleep again and the whole friggin cycle begins again... if this goes on any longer i will seriously die when skul reopens... and now i have a headache, my eyes are going 2 pop out of my head and i'm wide awake... someone tell me they're more screwed than i am... so anyway, was at my grandparents place, my sis was playing the ps the whole friggin day, i slept from 12 to 5, woke up and felt like a brick fell on my head, and worse of all i felt like i didnt sleep at all... came home, ate and watched MI3 again (on dvd), and i must say it was a nice show, even though i was fighting my head throughout the bloody long movie...

well, it juz struck me last night that i had the answer to all my questions all along... i shouldnt have felt anything in the 1st place... i was trying 2 be in a position that was nvr mine, and i lost sight of my goal, my priorities... i realised that there was a very simple answer to what seemed like a matter of life and death... right now, i have 2 focus on my bball, as much as it sucks and is taking every bit of my life, i have to do it... not only do it, but do it well, 2 my best... i know i shouldnt be wasting my time thinking about trivial matters, emotions and feelings... i know i cannot fall into a relationship right now, any kind... and when school reopens another agenda will arise; to get a 3.6 GPA 4 my final year... so far all my claims and promises have been empty and far from being real... even more so i should be using my time now 2 make up for lost ground, if i ever wish to see my aspiration fulfilled... time will be everything but a friend when skuls starts, and even if it seems i have plenty now, i will have none 2 spare for others when the time comes around... especially not for someone i'm supposed 2 be dedicated to... i've made that mistake once and i'm not going to make it again... i fall 2 quickly head over heels, i fall 2 deep, 2 fast... so fast i couldnt even catch my breathe, no time to take a second and think... but you made it clear for me, showed me wat i couldnt see... it wouldnt have been fair, all of the feeling would juz have been a rebound, and none of them would be true... i've hurt enuff people... so i have 2 get my priorities straight, most important of all get my head straight... maybe i should try 2 do things right 4 a change, look out 4 urself cuz only you know where ur going 2 place ur foot... its juz not time yet, i'm rushing everything... gotta ease my mind and take it slow... i 4got all about who i am, wat i'm supposed 2 be... my position, my place, my reality... guess there's a time and place 4 everything, and wat will be, will, eventually... thats all i gotta say, and i pray 2morrow will be a better day... peace...

P.S.
its damn funny as i was writing the last paragraph cuz everything kinda rhymes (sort of)... even if it didnt, i made it... its like a rap kinda something, good stuff... i think its damn corny but wat the heck man... juz saying, i'm out...

b4 i say anything, i must say this: its not safe to say EVERYTHING here anymore... hmmmm...

now moving on, a hectic couple of days has kinda ended 4 me... nick left this morning but i wasnt able 2 send him off cuz of bball (crap man)... i think it went quite well 4 him in terms of the admission test lah, think he should be fine and i'm hoping 2 see him in singapore next year man... so well, after settling his stuff on fri afternoon, had dinner with another cousin of mine at united square... this is another 1 of those awkward moments when you swear you've never seen that person in ur life b4, but somehow that person is your blood relative... anyway, i must say she's quite attractive lah, but i had other stuff on my mind... so had a buffet dinner, didnt really eat much, can hardly imagine how they can charge so much 4 food that tasted like crap... was at the place 4 almost 3 friggin hours, til we finally left cuz my sis was complaining... got home and almost immediately entered a mass convo with the girls we met at the chalet (TKGS)... it was really quite happening lah, went on 4 a couple of hours? only left stefanie and stephanie and me (sounds totally wrong but nvm), then went 2 sleep already cuz of game in the morning...

i woke up late cuz i friggin turned the snooze off and happily went back 2 sleep... finally woke up at 730 and i thought i was shit screwed... luckily i had money left over so i cabbed down 2 dover... ended up reaching b4 the other guys and eating a whole 20 friggin bucks from my wallet... played a sluggish game til we picked it up and ran away with it lah... felt i played better myself, but the team is not working 2gether so there's always a next time 2 get things right... so at the end of the game there was the awards ceremony and they gave the MVP award 2 me... i dun think i fully deserved it but its definitely one way 2 reward a better performance? juz gotta keep working hard and coming back better i guess, thanks 2 danny and az 4 not giving up on me as well, with their encouragements and stuff... lol... after that rushed down 2 SBC 2 watch the combined skuls guys finish their game (wtf?!?)... good oso lah, dun have 2 train under that ass of a coach anymore... missing the last training feels good, and collecting the free stuff feels even better... i have so many shirts from converse i can open a shop already lah, literally can go and sell it lah... so after that went down 2 gym with darryl in tp, saw hell loads of chicks there lah... in the end realised it was only some netball tournament thingy, knew that a mass gathering of chicks was simply 2 good 2 be true lah... got home knocked out til dinner and kinda stoned til the man u game... the manchester derby was a brilliant display of football, with nail biting moments lah... luckily the player of the month sealed the game 4 man u, cristiano ronaldo... lol... he was really good throughout the game lah... think hes gettin better everytime... lol... hope 2morrow arsenal kicks chelsea's ass lah...

well, moving away from that 4 abit... i've juz been wondering, wat exactly am i feeling right now? its like, i juz cant stop thinking about everything... i cant stop thinking about all that kinda stuff, but at the same time i'm telling myself that i shouldnt be thinking at all... and when it all comes 2gether i freeze, i simply freeze... i dunno wat 2 say, if i'm saying the right things, the wrong things or maybe i shouldnt say anything at all... am i reading the signs right? is this going anywhere? or izzit juz a rebound? i'm juz feeling weirdly messed up right now... at the same time i feel that maybe's its not me, maybe i'm juz trying 2 be in a position where i shouldnt be... being someone i'm not... there's so many more questions in my mind, so many more waiting 2 surface, but i juz wish i knew all the answers 2 the questions right now... maybe when i look back at all this i'd probably be laughing at myself, but i'm kicking myself in the head right now cuz i dunno wat 2 do... maybe you should help me and tell me wat 2 do, put me out of my misery...

well, guess there's nothing more i can or want to say... thinking i should put more pictures on my blog, cuz these words are really blinding man... hai, juz gotta get some answers right now... and i really should stop thinking and start acting... til next time (hopefully i have some pictures), peace...

these past few days have been really happening, so much so that its more than i can handle... so on tues morning went gym with darryl b4 going off 2 the moor house chalet... i must say that i was really quite pleased with that gymming session although i felt that i could have done more lah, but then again maybe its wasnt such a wise idea 2 do any more than i have... so after gym went down 2 borders 2 check out some stuff again while darryl bought some gymming gloves... felt like buying a pair oso but i know i shouldnt be spending money like water, so i'll juz have 2 put that thought on hold... after bout an hour or so in orchard, met up with az and went down 2 pasir ris 2gether, coincidentally meeting up with simon at city hall... when we got there i thought it was going 2 be damn sian, but i couldnt be more wrong lah... so we kinda checked in at the place (same one as 2C chalet), friggin small but "cosy"... lol... discussed about moor house stuff 4 2007 and i must say it was really productive... everyone did quite abit of work til about 5 plus when we went out 2 bras basah complex 2 have dinner and get materials 4 our banners... had dinner but by that time the place was closing down already so ended up looking 4 our stuff all over the place, finally gettin everything in century square (tampines)... by that time i was already quite tired, but the night was only juz about 2 begin...

so when we got back 2 the chalet everyone took a shower cept me (?!?!?!?!), was thinking of going down 2 the beach so i didnt shower... well, after that everyone went out 2 take a stroll, went 2 the arcade 2 play a few games... juz as we were going back we ran into a group of girls playing frisbee and true 2 az's words ("We must find girls" lol), we asked them if we could join and we did... well frankly i was quite surprised that they were actually so friendly, but when the person asking is az its really hard 2 say no... so there were five girls, all of whom are sec4s from TKGS... there was a stephanie tan, who is looks (and is) really damn sporty, janice who is quite cute and reminds me of someone, stefanie chen whom they call "fets" (stef spelled backwards) and az keeps calling her a barbie doll, she reminds me more of a gothic chick... there was oso gourie, who is an indian that is fluent in mandarin (?!?!?!), totally cool and last but not least shaofang aka shaggy... we played frisbee til about 2am in the morning til some guards chased us away... we ended up going back 2 our chalet and the girls followed us, wanted 2 go 2 the beach 2 continue our little frisbee game but ended up sitting at the beach juz playing "polar bear" and truth or dare (with cards)... on my 1st impression i thought the girls were easily JC1 or 2 (esp cuz of steph tan cuz she looks really sporty and mature, like a JC girl), but it turns out that they were juz sec4s who juz finished their O's... shaofang seems 2 know the whole world, knowing lionel, stanley and someone apparently related 2 az... then there was Barbie (stefanie chen), who was really quiet but somehow something about her intrigued me... and i still think she reminds me of a gothic chick... dunno all that much about gourie and janice but i think gourie is really cool being able 2 speak such fluent chinese... lol...

so we were at the beach all the way til 6 in the morning b4 we decided 2 leave finally (cuz of training)... and train we did when we took a cab back 2 RJ... it was really quite hardcore esp 4 simon, az, stanley and myself cuz we didnt sleep a wink!!! thought i was going 2 die... well, we managed 2 survive the ordeal but still died at home yesterday... i didnt return 2 the chalet cuz nick was coming and i guess the other guys are probably checking out right about now... i think the chalet was one of the most INTERESTING ones i've had in a very long time... realised that az is really really charming and charismatic, the type that girls would fall head over heels... or maybe its juz his looks? he was like charming the girls all throughout the night, and he does have a way with girls... and this stef chen has something that really kinda caught my attention... i dunno wat izzit with her that juz seems 2 preoccupy my mind... she juz has that mysterious thing that makes you wanna find out more, and i bet she has more than 1 person's attention... she oso played this song on stanley's mp3 during our time at the beach called "Juliet" by LMNT (pronounced as Element), i juz got hooked onto that song the moment i heard it and it couldnt be more appropriate 2 the feeling i have right now... been listening 2 that song non-stop and it juz keeps reminding me of gothic girl (stef chen), somehow... hai, dunno why i'm thinking so much oso, it is juz some people you meet once in your life and will probably nvr see again... yeah it was really one of the most interesting chalets, one i wont 4get anytime soon...

so thats about it 4 the happenings of this week up til now... nick is probably coming in like a couple of hours and the next few days are going 2 be quite happening 2 i guess... somehow i juz cant help feeling a little lost about my feelings right now... its probably nothing and i guess i'll juz 4get about everything soon enuff... but i juz cant stop thinking right now... hai, nothing is going 2 happen so i'll juz stop right here... its really been a blast, this moor house chalet... and i'm going 2 end off with a few words from "Juliet" by LMNT, totally my favourite song right now... peace...

b4 anything else is 2 be said, its 1st of dec and half of the hols are over... its turning out 2 be like every other hols that i can remember, dunno where the hell my hols went, only 2 seek comfort in knowing that there's still 1 month left b4 skul begins again, and that there's still 1 month 4 me 2 do anything 2 save this hols from turning into a disaster it already is... well juz came back from malaysia yesterday and its good 2 be back home again... i guess the trip is more of a self-realization journey than anything else, it surely wasnt team bonding (4 me at least) and it definitely wasnt relaxing... the trip told me alot about myself and the team, and the truth hurts sometimes... first and foremost, i must admit that i am a liability to the team, a burden and the weakest link... coming off the back of really poor games in singapore b4 leaving 4 malaysia, i was hoping that the trip will do anything but remind me of the not-so-great games here, but remind me it did... i really dunno wat is going on, i dunno why everything is turning out like this, and i sure as hell dunno how 2 solve it... there were time when i felt like taking the easy way out and give up, but i wont... i know i am a liability 2 the team, and i'm wondering where all the good times went, but more importantly i wanna change cuz this feeling sucks...

and wat suck even more is that i feel like an outcast... clear lines have been drawn within the team and its juz not the same as b4... i'm not asking 2 be the center of attention but the feeling of being left out totally sucks... wat happened 2 the team i can count on? wat happened 2 the team who would be there 4 me watever? i juz dun feel at home with these people anymore... maybe it is because of my underperformance or maybe it is cuz of this that i underperform, but watever it is, it sucks... this kind of things you juz dun 4get overnight, and its not going 2 be easy 2 come back from it, and somehow i'm beginning 2 see that maybe this is juz not my place anymore... the more i think about it, the more i wonder why i should do so much 4 someone (or some people) that dun give a fuck about me? haha, it sounds so much like a joke, but it cant be further from one... maybe everything that is happening are signs, telling me i should let go and move on... knowing myself, i hold on 4 far 2 long and it gets worse than it should be, but izzit really time 2 let go? i really feel like pushing the blame onto others (who likes taking the blame?) but there's no point... i realised that i'm very self-centered, something that has hit me more than once b4, and maybe it is the cause of all the unpleasant stuff... i should try being less of an asshole, but if that doesnt work then maybe it really is time 2 give up and move on... i juz feel so outta place cuz i've put my heart and soul into the bball team, but right now the bball team is the last place i wanna be... where were the friends i once had? where were the brothers i once had? where was the family i never had?

maybe its time 2 move on, but moving on seems kinda far from my mind right now as it drifts back 2 exactly one year ago on dec 1st, 2005... sometimes its juz not that easy 2 move on, especially from something you feel so much for... but then again since when did feelings count for very much? everything starts out perfect and beautiful, innocent and pure... and on this day one year ago i remember experiencing all of these... it felt like nothing could go wrong in the world, like all the hatred and loss have been erased, like love was the only feeling... the feelings were raw and pure, not much more you can ask for... i guess you probably 4gotten about all of this, but its nice 2 remember wat life can truly be in the midst of everything thats happening right now... i'll lock these moments in my heart til i can find a better place 4 them, and 4 you... well, i'll keep dwelling on these little things, cuz its the little things that are the hardest 2 4get...

lots are going 2 be happening this remaining hols, kinda hope i have enuff time 4 everything... well there's still the combined skuls trip 2 thailand awaiting, really think thats gonna suck even more but i'm keeping an open mind cuz after that my load would be dropped and life is free again... there's oso gonna be a (rather big) family trip 2 malaysia in the last week of dec, which means its going 2 be a christmas out of singapore, not much happening around here anyway... and nick (cousin from malaysia) is coming down next week 2 take a test 4 admission to HCJC... really excited about that, but it clashes with the moor house chalet so i think i will give the chalet a miss... hope nick can get in2 HCJC (although i wouldnt mind if he could get into RJ), another brudder in town... lol... well, nothing much else i wanna say, been a long week with combined skuls again 2morrow, so i think i'll juz end here... hope 2morrow is a better day, peace...

is time enough to forget someone?