so here i am sitting infront of the com not really knowing wat 2 do right now... 2day is the beginning of the end (where have we all heard that line b4?) with 9 games in 9 days starting with OFS later in the afternoon... complete bullshit man, this is so much worse than having 3 rather hardcore trainings a week lah... not only does this string of 9 games eat into a sunday (a sunday 4 goodness sake), it also carries in2 the malaysia trip which means we'll be playing some really messed up teams along the way, not something i'm really looking 4wards 2 right now... this whole week is screwed cuz of all the games, which kinda translates into having no life (as usual lah)... turned down az 2 go orchard and hang out cuz really damn sian and no mood 2 chill out and do fun stuff (cant remember the last time i did something really fun)... i've been thinking about why i havent really been out much and the reason kinda lies with me... i think i juz passed up so many opportunities 2 have fun cuz i simply dun want 2, and i dun think i can really blame anyone or anything 4 me not having a life... its like i always seem 2 back out on outings with friends cuz i juz dun wanna go out and all, i really dun quite see myself having fun out there, dun really know wat 2 do... so i'd rather juz stay at home and rot, which is kinda wat i'm doing now... then i'll complain about not having a life and the whole cycle begins again i guess... its kinda crappy staying at home all the time, but when i think about it again i juz dunno wat else i can do outside that'll actually be better than dying at home...

well, actually there are so many things that i can do right now, like play pool, catch a movie, go bowling or maybe even spend a little time shopping 4 "my stuff", but the only problem with everything mentioned above is money... i'm so friggin short on cash right now and its only the beginning of the week... its kinda carried over from last week with the chalet, also with the $150 4 the combined skuls trip (my dad didnt really cover me fully 4 the thing so i had 2 top up on my own)... so i ended up using the money 4 this week 2 cover last week's expenses, and i still owe people money... everyone says juz go ask ur parents 4 more money but i mean you gotta learn how to deal with ur own money sooner or later, so i'm juz gonna rough it out with only $10 in my pocket right now (b4 clearing all my debts and expenses)... i wont say i've made it through with less but its gonna be a challenge lah, so anything fun is almost completely outta the question... even more crap ontop of crap... wat am i going 2 do with games everyday 4 the next 9 days, only 10 dollars in my wallet and almost no means of fun watsoever (no ps2 cuz of the fucked up games)? hai, and when i come back from the malaysian trip it will be the 1st of dec already, which means that half of the hols have already been burnt away... and that 1 year has passed... haha, i can still remember exactly wat i was doing on 1st of dec 2005, and its really amazing how powerful a person's memory can be, but thats another story 4 another day...

well, i'd better move away from all that negative vibes b4 i spiral down even further... spend quite some time putting up the music on my blog and i must say that i'm finally pleased with it i guess (only after modifying the blogskin and a whole load of crap i really didnt have 2 do)... i dun even think its the best yet but it will have 2 do 4 now... headache when it comes 2 finding the right song 2 put up lah, but as long as i like it then nothing else matters lah... hai, almost time 4 me 2 go already, thinking of going 2 the lib 2 get another book (4th book of the hols already) b4 going down 2 orchard 4 my first game... think i'll end off with wat danny said yesterday, "its half a season in the space of 9 days" (he said something like that lah)... peace...

am i suffering from depression?

well i just got off from a convo with chris and i juz felt i had 2 get this down somehow... so me and chris were juz talking about random stuff, like christmas (which doesnt seem all that far away right now) and all til i got that tad bit emotional again... kinda triggered off wat i've been feeling all day, its like when ur in that zone ur juz in that zone, and anything will juz feel like that kinda feeling... every song, every phrase from a book, every line from a movie... juz makes u think again... so something chris said that i felt was so very true, something juz hit me... you can't choose who to love or not to love, its not your choice whether or not u wanna love a person... sometimes its not about ur head telling ur heart whether its the right choice, because there is no right choice, there is no choice in the 1st place... sometimes chris can be really goofy (actually most of the time, no offence dude), but when i can really talk 2 him he can juz be the best person 2 talk 2 in the world... even if he is totally not in2 ur case (which almost NEVER happens), he'll make it his case and its really nice talking 2 him, that is when hes not goofing off somewhere... anyway, it was juz that single line that really struck me right then... it somewat captured the essence of the moment (if i dare say)... you really cant choose who to love or who not to for that matter... maybe thats why love often happens without any reason, and there's no explaination 4 the things we do... maybe it wasnt anyone's fault 4 everything that happened... it juz, happened... love is not always about making the right choices, especially not with ur head, because your head cant tell ur heart wat to do, or wat u think is the right thing 2 do... the more we think, the more we get tangled up in the matters of the heart, and (no pun intended) thats where it matters the most... maybe thats wat went wrong, we tried 2 find the flaws and fix it, we read between the lines and got 2 caught up with ourselves... maybe we should juz flow and let love fix itself, but then again love is a power far beyond our control, and maybe nothing was wrong in the 1st place or the result was juz how it fixed itself... wat is life without emotions? who am i trying 2 kid about living a new, emotionless life? it wont ever be the same cuz now, i'm beginning 2 doubt whether there really is true love out there (wonder if i've said this b4, but anyway), even so it only happens in fairytales and bedtime stories...

haha, feels good 2 finally get that outta my system, and if anything that goes out 2 you chris... lol... so moving on, kinda read danny's blog and came across one of his post (some are quite interesting, as in really interesting)... so it was on the 15th of nov, titled "Basket what?", and the gist of the post is about none other than bball... i sorta kinda felt the feeling inside the post, at least wat i felt and wat it meant 2 me when i read it... and i'm damn well sure that i definitely felt that way more than once before, many times... its juz that point in time when i felt that bball was juz so not my thing anymore... well, i wont say i'm not harbouring these thoughts anymore but its definitely taken a turn 4 the better... now i can safely say that i'm willing 2 give it a shot, give it my best and most importantly give the rest of the team the best... but wat is camaraderie without fellows? and i've somewhat found the answer 2 why i lost touch with bball (somewhat from danny's post as well), it was because of the national squad and trainings... i've come out right with it cuz it can damn well burn itself 2 the ground... i juz made a realisation on saturday that i should have done right at the beginning... the training was total and complete crap, felt so outta place and picked on again by the damned coach... i realised that if it werent 4 danny or zf or any of the other guys, combined skuls can go fuck itself dead... but thats juz so not the point right now, i mean the only reason i lasted 3 years (and hopefully 3 more years) with bball is because of the guys, the people, your teammates... i know myself and i cant do the same sport 4 anything longer than i have interest 4, and believe me 3 years is more than past the expiry date... its the other guys that make the journey more than bearable... it juz doesnt feel that bad anymore when you see 11 other guys on the court fighting their guts out juz as hard as you are... well maybe that means something, maybe it doesnt, one thing's 4 sure is that after this shit hole of a combined skuls may mercy befall those who follow, 4 if you dun get shit biasness, you wont learn the meaning of true team spirit (apparently there izznt in the combined skuls team)... think i'll end here, feeling a hell lot better after emptying my thoughts... gonna spend wats left of the night with some new songs courtesy of chris... ending off, peace...

i'm gonna make you feel alright, tonight...

the first 2 weeks of hols juz went by in a blur, we're already 2 weeks into our 8 weeks hols without me even knowing it... there's really nothing really exciting happening these 2 weeks cept that i got my braces (finally)... well i gotta say that it was an experience not 2 be 4gotten any time soon... the fitting of the braces wasnt the worst part (not even close, cuz i was a lucky bastard who didnt need 2 remove any teeth, yet), it was more of the aftermath where the only food i consumed for a good period of 4 days were porridge... kinda gotten really sick of porridge during the "hell" period, but it was all made alot easier with porridge made by my mum (mum's cooking is always the best eh?)... now more than a week in2 the braces and i'm starting 2 get used 2 life with it already, but really cant imagine myself stuck with this metal contraption in my mouth 4 2 years... damn, i'm not exactly bothered by it lah (4 now) but we'll have 2 see, only time will tell... thats about it when it comes 2 having a life up til now, the 2C'05 class chalet was kinda messed up 4 me cuz i only went the 2nd day and it was plagued by training, but maybe it really wasnt that bad lah (wont say i enjoyed myself fully, but any amount of time with friends is cool i guess)... this is seriously pathetic, i havent watched ANY movies since CT ended (that's almost a month now), havent exactly officially gone out with friends and the only planned activity i manage 2 execute is trainings (not inclusive of chalet)... that is one kind of screwed man... 2 weeks down, havent done any proper muggin or anything of that sort, and i still havent enjoyed myself enuff yet... i'm seriously beginning 2 wonder where the hell did my 2 weeks go...

anyway, b4 i admit how screwed and messed up my life really is, the amazing race asia juz aired its 2nd episode last night on AXN, and i must say it really is quite interesting (i'm gettin 2 the juicy bits)... well, i think this has more appeal (2 me at least) cuz the contestants are travelling around asia, which means the places are a tad bit closer 2 singapore and they are somewhat more familiar? they'd probably be stopping by in singapore but thats another story... well, what's a reality show without hot chicks? nothing... that's another reason why this amazing race asia has that little edge in terms of appeal... so there's this team consisting of a model (jacqueline) and an actress (aubrey), they're from the phillipines and they're really hot... how can u get any better than that? lol... i must say that they are really not the type that i would normally fall for (they are seriously damn girly-girl, and quite vain oso but who can blame them?), but they are damn chio... hai, its juz another reason 2 watch the show, but its quite funky as well cuz there's a singapore team made up of melody chen and some sharon wong (who's ever heard of her?), not exactly rooting 4 them or anything but it would be cool 2 see how far they can go... juz some trivia, aubrey and jacqueline have 51.7% of the votes in the category of favourite team on the amazing race asia website and 32.7% of the votes in the category of most likely to win, so no surprises who i'm rooting and tipping 4... lol... b4 i end off, juz wanna complain a little cuz i cant get the songs i want cuz cant download anymore, really damn irritating and kinda pisses me off... now i go around asking 4 songs like a bloody beggar, but thats the only way i can get my hands on the songs lah... some really nice songs like "Welcome To The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance (surprised that i fell 4 the song but its really nice), "Nothing In This World" by Paris Hilton (even more surprised but this one is nice 2) and some jap song which name i do not know (this beats it all cuz i NEVER listen 2 jap songs)... well, juz have 2 continue asking around i guess, hope chris comes online soon... ending off here with aubrey and jacqueline, hope they go far in the amazing race asia (cuz the further they go, the more we get 2 see of them, yay!)... peace...

Aubrey & Jacqueline

The Amazing Race Asia

so much happening already in the early parts of the hols, taking up a good part of my time even b4 i have a chance 2 use it... first of all, there's of course bball... the inevitable, inescapable one and only, basketball... well, top of the news, got in2 the national U-15 team that will be travelling 2 thailand somewhere in december i think... not really over the moon that i got in2 the team cuz i lost heart in the national team and i dun think i deserve it one bit... dunno how much i will be playing oso, that leaves much 2 be seen, not really pinning alot on this "acceptance" in2 the team, juz hoping it would be a good experience and one not eagerly waiting 2 be remembered... still on bball, kinda had a sucky game yesterday, one which (has been said far 2 many times already) we should have owned but in the end kena owned ourselves... it was a crap game, didnt bring myself 2 the game and didnt perform at all... really should have crushed those guys but somehow or rather we got crushed, in more ways than one... really making me wonder how far i'm gonna take this bball thing, 2 wat extent am i going 2 do this? really starting 2 think of my options, not saying i wont give my best and all this final season, but juz thinking of whether or not 2 continue this dying spark, maybe its juz waiting 4 something 2 revive the passion and fire...

moving on, got wind that i got accepted to this WEP (Work Exposure Program) with The Oriental Hotel... kinda excited (in fact really excited) that i got selected (along with probably 99 others) for this thing, thought it would be cool 2 go out and have a little working experience, on top of that can do it with friends (ivan and yande oso got selected)... really wanna go 4 this but good opportunities often come with setbacks nipping right at their heels... first and most importantly, there's of course bball training (wat would life be without trainings i wonder?), the WEP is on going for 2 weeks, and there's probably work almost everyday so without a doubt i will miss training, but how much am i willing 2 miss? i'm really taking my chances with this, trying 2 do everything in my power 2 go 4 this WEP, squeeze every little bit of opportunity i can outta this, hopefully the WEP is only 4 1 week and i wont miss out on 2 much of the trainings (kinda have my mind set on going 4 this WEP)... another problem, which may seem trivial but nevertheless important, the 2C'05 class chalet... ivan, yande and myself have been chosen 4 this thing, along with the possibility of other 2C guys gettin chosen (all of which might not be 4 the hotel, others jobs a possibility 2), which ultimately means that there might be very little people going 4 the class chalet... frankly, i wouldnt miss the chalet 4 the world, but if this (the WEP thingy) has 2 happen then a sacrifice has 2 be made somewhere... worst come 2 worst only attend the chalet at night, but that can be sorted out later... really dun wanna leave tat wai hanging like that, later he planned everything so well and in the end no1 turns up... now gettin this screwy feeling, but i guess i juz have 2 leave everything til thurs when we meet up in skul 2 get more info on everything... hopefully i can make the right decision then...

onto bigger stuff, and hopefully farther away stuff... thurs, where more than 1 decision has 2 be made right (not only on my part) as i go 4 my dental appointment (again) 2 fix up my braces... hopefully my decision 2 put on braces is the right one and juz pray 2 the heavens that the dentist will friggin put my goddamn braces on already... the wait is friggin killing me, i know what comes after the wait WILL, eventually... after this long wait, is another one waiting, for 2 whole friggin years... may time have mercy... other than the chalet 2 look 4ward 2 in about slightly less than a week's time, there's the bball malaysian trip 2 look 4ward 2 coming this 27th to 30th nov... now that is one bball item i would be more than happy 2 look 4ward 2... and there should a trip down 2 malaysia again, but not 4 basketball, rather a good chilling out with family, all in due time... well, this hols already looks packed enuff 4 me, without me wanting 2 stuff mugging and relaxing (ps2, hanging out) in2 the picture... really wanna get something productive done this hols, and not burn it away like all the other times i could remember... its already the 7th of nov, and in 8 weeks skuls starts again, i dun wanna start skul 8 weeks from now accomplishing wat could have been done in 1 week... i wanna do something meaningful and good... i dun have much time left, one thing i have 2 keep reminding myself... well, a very busy hols i forsee, i feel the time already slipping away between my fingers... i know i have 2 treasure every minute as though it were my last, as far as the end of hols might seem... gotta start making good use of my time... signing off, nothing much better 2 say... the results of this hols will speak 4 itself 8 weeks from now... peace...

well, its the last day of skul 4 2006 and kinda lotsa stuff running through my head... juz reflecting on the whole of this skul year, feeling that tad bit emotional again... somehow this year juz seem 2 fly right by me, didnt even have time 2 catch my breath... juz feel like i missed out on so much during the course of the year... i juz dun feel the same me anymore... its the last day of skul 4 the sec4s, wont be seeing some of the same faces in RI anymore, but its nice 2 know they'll juz be next door... if only life were that simple... in exactly 2 month's time another skul year will start, the final year... so much 2 aim 4, so much waiting 2 be achieved... always felt i would achieve something here in RI, make a difference and leave a mark... well if anything is gonna happen it better happen soon, only got 1 year left... damn, cant believe next year is my last year in RI already man... wont exactly say this is a shit year (it izznt exactly over yet but academic wise it is lah), learnt quite abit bout myself and i daresay about life... got some really great guys and even more popping up... thought my new class would be shit but still made through it, 1 year down 1 more 2 go... change is inevitable i guess, but with pals like that u can juz about bring anything on... teachers, made my life living hell... but there are some really great teachers you juz cant get enuff of (and i dun mean superficially)... and i mean really great teachers... i swear i could've shit in my pants when i heard albar was our eng teacher but after a year under her, man couldnt ask 4 any other english teacher... then there's those that give you shit up 2 neck high, some gone 4 good, some are juz waiting 2 bring hell 2 a whole new level... guess everything gonna have a good change next year, its juz another year waiting 2 fly by... some teachers are gonna leave, they come and go, but everything's good... lotsa ambition 4 next year, final year and all, last basketball season 4 RI, last muggin 4 an RI paper and all that stuff... make the most of it...

hols are coming up, hopefully use my time wisely, b4 i let it slip right through my hands once again... juz watched "Click" and damn it was a great show... with kate beckinsale (looks better than ever) and adam sandler working his magic once again... wat a fitting show, juz when time seems 2 stop completely and disappear 4ever... juz makes you realise it all over again, b4 you know it everything comes back 2 square 1... its a really great movie that makes you think about life but i never seem 2 be in this state 4 more than 2 long, good or bad? dun really know wat else 2 say, somehow i juz feel lost in all this mess... maybe its the headache i have or maybe i juz have a tumor in my brain... been a long week, and i have a feeling its juz gonna get longer... watever the case i think i'll end here already, nothing else 2 say that would make any sense... end off with the lyrics 2 "How To Save A Life" by The Fray... really love this song, and if y'all can juz listen to (or read) the lyrics, think its really meaningful in a really "life" kinda way, watever that means... i would have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life... peace

The Fray
How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Chorus:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Chorus:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Chorus:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life