the past week of my life hasnt been the best in a very long time... life juz gives u shit after shit, and juz when u thought it couldnt get any worse, guess wat, it did... i'm not going 2 dwell on the living hell my life has been the past week, neither am i going 2 talk about the living hell my life is going 2 be... i'm juz gonna enjoy the good (that i can find) in life...

juz watched a super emo vid on az's blog... all RI '07 bballers (others oso most welcome) a MUST to watch it... i swear i nearly cried (maybe cuz i'm emotionally unstable oso, but seriously it was a really touching and inpiring video)... really flipped my "emotional switch" on... 2day was the day of a hell (somewhat, but by no means the end) week of skul... had a full day of lessons, and was quite glad to end 2 modules 2day (being geog which i kinda wish would last longer and bio which i would pray 4 it 2 never begin in the first place, cept 4 the movie "gattaca" which is an entirely different story altogether)... after skul chionged my stupid chem presentation which i ultimately did NOT present, as much as i wished i did, relieved to get it outta the way and (more or less) not get bogged down by it... then went 2 play soccer (somehow managed 2 play although i am clueless as 2 how it happened with so many people on the pitch at the same time, it amazes me), not very long but drag and drag until everyone sian (including me), failed 2 go gym once again (another 1 of those things that i'm really disappointed in)... met yan de and ryan teo after that, where yan de left us 4 training while ryan teo and i went 2 drink bubble tea and slack then went j8... wah, seriously nvr had such a good talk with anyone 4 such a long time, from soccer (a very common interest) to chalet, from "Drake And Josh" to "Life As We Know It" (omg cant believe that ryan teo oso watch life as we know it!!! it totally owns lah!!! so does ryan teo, lol)... talk 4 about an hour plus reaching 2 hrs, then we chao-ed home... nvr realised how much i share in common with ryan teo, juz talk and talk and talk, felt that it could go on 4ever man (abit exaggerated but it sure felt like it lah), and ryan teo is a damn nice guy, very easy 2 get along and very friendly... felt it was a great way 2 spend the afternoon (which would have otherwise been spent sleeping, this being the more fruitful and meaningful way of spending an afternoon)... after that came home and massaged my back with a tennis ball (damn random but u'll see where i'm gettin 2), then i realised that i have 3 tennis balls and started juggling... lol... seriously, juggling... suck like cock at 1st but after abit of practice could do it reasonably well, juggled 4 like 2hrs lah (not consecutively of course)... somehow found it extremely entertaining, after that asked myself why the hell i wasted 2hrs of my life juggling balls... only answer i got was that i'm a weird bastard and that life really has no reasons, maybe if i do it well enuff i can go join circus (juz a thought?)...

recently been collecting songs like siao, all credits go 2 chris fang and limewire... dunno why suddenly everything juz popped up inside me like that, i even took out my mp3 again (since like couple of months ago when i lost all my music files)... nice 2 re-live the good old days... juz listening 2 all kinds of songs, like love, pop and rock (courtesy of chris fang again)... really nice 2 somewhat re-introduce music back into my life... talking about life, the bio lessons juz gave me a whole new outlook on life man... its like life is so fragile, sometime when ur in the prime of ur life u juz lose everything, more than juz money or stuff like that... everything... its juz so scary, imagine if u could die at any moment, and when u least expected it ur gone... juz made me think about treasuring every moment as if it was my last... but then again if everyone were 2 think like that the human race would be extremely dull and boring, not 2 mention gay with the world's population probably being wiped out by phobias of sorts, u get the drift... anyway, juz sure made me a whole lot more emo and appreciative (at least 4 now ba)... wish i could thank everyone but i know that's impossible, so i'll juz do it in my actions ba (i hope)... not biting off more than i can chew? juz so many things that cant be captured simply in words... so many feelings, so many emotions, so many thoughts... wish i could do or say more, juz gotta grab the chance... reviving the emotional side of johnny, the side that i once knew...

RI Basketball '07

finally get 2 use the com since like wat fri (somemore fri was like chionging SS)? so yesterday came back from the party event of 2006 (more or less 4 me it is THE event liao unless there's gonna be a bigger party i can go 2 by the end of the year)!!! lol... planetshakers ultraviolet concert man, totally rocker lah!!! lol... ok, first above all else i must mention that on sat there was NO combined skuls training!!! muahahaha... seriously one of the mood setter 4 the concert, with no training my mind was put at ease 4 the whole day... went with az, danny, stanley, benji and glenn (sec2) 2 peninsular plaza (spelling?) after meeting at city hall, went there 2 look at totally awesome shoes in the (quote) "world smallest shoe shop with the most number of shoes"... seriously damn tempted 2 buy the shoes there lah, especially the dunks, air force and ace series (trying very hard 2 stay away from the term 'poser shoes')... they are seriously damn nice... then went 2 some guitar shop 2 look at the guitars, and once again i want 2 get a guitar!!! i keep gettin this feeling that i'm only gettin a guitar cuz everyone else has 1 but it would seriously be really nice 2 learn how 2 play 1 lah... yeah so faced with temption once again (with more 2 come)... then ate BK and went 2 expo 4 the concert... damn, that place was friggin packed man, it was like THE place with all the teens (+ chio bu) and wat have u man... seriously there were alot of teens (of both genders i might like 2 add), basically alot of people lah... so we were juz hanging out until the thing began, when it did we moved 2 the middle of the crowd 2 get a better view and ended up blocking the shorter chicks behind us... felt kinda bad lah but they bitch about us (literally) behind our backs so i was like "too bad lah"... still felt bad and kinda mean though... so anyway the concert totally rocked!!! the planetshakers seriously rocked the whole friggin house down man... love their songs, their energy and 1 of their singers... lol... yeah but anyway, really felt kinda inspired (somehow?) by all that positive energy and vibe in the place man... totally cool... and with the australian pastor and his testimonial and all... really quite the something... after that went simei 2 slack about then went home with the guys... realised how quick a train ride can be from simei 2 ang mo kio with friends man... i here by declare the planetshakers ultraviolet concert THE MOST ROCKER EVENT OF THE YEAR MAN (up til this point lah, lol)!!!

been thinking lately (i hear sighing from the crowd, again), and i realised that i havent been a really nice person, in whole... i mean, i'm not exactly all that helpful and stuff, i wont say i'm overly friendly and nice 2 everyone, and i'm sure as hell that i havent exactly been keeping my complaints 2 myself... i mean, i've juz been thinking, that havent been a really nice person 2 be with, its like recently i get that feeling that people think i'm arrogant or stuck up cuz of the way i look at people (maybe?), but it actual fact (i hope) i dun think i'm that much arrogant or stuck up lah (trying 2 save some face)... but then again 4 all i know it may be true... i dun think i'm all that friendly and helpful at times oso, like dao-ing people and juz running away when help is needed (both of which i believe i'm not but then again)... probably thats why i feel "distant" from my friends and all, like i cant really connect with them and click like we used 2, like there's barrier between me and them... and this barrier, i feel, is my attitude... hey, maybe i'm a stuck up bastard all this while with me not noticing it, and my friend could accept it (then again maybe my 'friends' were juz putting up with it), but now they've grown tired of it? be it either case, i think its time 2 change... i mean, yeah face it, i always say i wanna change something but in the end nothing ever happens, but at least i always try 2 remind myself and 4 that time that i do, i feel improvements (i think)... i juz have 2 keep reminding myself... maybe i should start with not looking like an arrogant little bastard with more than his fat big ego stuck up his big fat nose... yup, thats a good way 2 start... and maybe i could be a little more helpful and friendly, and try 2 make a difference... and i could probably shut my trap whenever i feel like complaining (which i do very often), juz do things with a smile (forced or not) and try 2 be thankful 4 wat i have... alot 2 ask 4? still gonna do it... been thinking 4 awhile now maybe it really is my attitude thats the cause 4 this "lost" feeling with my friends, and i'm gonna do something about it, hopefully i'll become a more pleasant person 2 be with lah... 1 other thing about friends, with everything said, yeah imma be nice and friendly and helpful and stuff, not 2 try 2 be accepted in2 juz any group but MY group... i've long given up on "fake friends", where u fake urself 4 someone else, i seriously dun believe in that... if u think i'm not good enuff 4 ur "clique" or group or watever kinda nonsense, then so be it... i'm gonna keep my words 2 my friends and imma try 2 be a nicer person ok? slap me every once in a while 2 wake me up and remind me if i ever turn in2 a stuck up arrogant nasty little bastard ya? lol...

been thinking (again, thinking alot lately eh? maybe its juz cuz i havent blogged in quite some time), and i wonder if anyone still believes in love at first sight? the planetshakers concert somehow prodded me on 2 think even further or 2 start me thinking again... well, i frankly dun believe in love at 1st sight... its more like lust at 1st sight... i nvr really believed u could start a long-lasting relationship with someone juz by looking at him/her, it takes more than that... yeah, that feeling u get when u see someone 4 the 1st time is exhilarating, but thats not love, its lust... thats how it all begins, when u get physically attracted 2 someone, then u would slowly get 2 know her, and (as nonsensical as it might sound) love grows from lust... yeah, love at first sight is juz a load, but i believe (ever so strongly) that u can fall in love with ur first true love, and she could be the only 1 ever in ur life... it might seem like another fairytale in the making, but i'd die 4 it... u cant fall in love with someone the minute u see them, but u can keep falling in love with the same someone 4 the rest of ur life... i believe in this fairytale, and i'm juz waiting 4 mine 2 come true...

yay so the semi-hols are here... 2morrow is national day and imma slack my shit off man... havent touched the com since sat and it feels good 2 be sitting infront of the screen once again with nothing on my mind (even if there were pressing issues like hw, they can go screw themselves)... g'cup came 2 a rather good conclusion with black '95 coming out ontop and the MVP being john (no prizes 4 guessing)... we all know why john got the MVP... lol... had rather lotsa fun this g'cup, with a cool t-shirt 2 go (batch), wouldnt mind going down and have fun again next year... so yesterday was 1st day of dmp (everyone is friggin talking about it, wat makes u think i wont), had geog and chem... found out that rui jun would be sharing 3 classes with me (including geog), so i know i wont be 2 lonely and that jac sim is my geog of diseases teacher!!! shes totally cool lah, damn funny and funky... relieved that shes my teacher, better than getting some weird weird people (as i have heard)... ceramic glazes got grace chong, along with like wat 7 other people in the class? damn, izzit juz me or izzit really a very small class man... realised that grace chong is not half that bad oso (dunno where i got the impression that she was really nasty in the 1st place)... dmp so far so good, having both new teachers which is gonna be quite happening, hopefully gonna have a good time ahead lah...

ok so the story of 2day was national day celebration, which was pretty much a total failure man... the national day committee or something must have been drunk or something cuz they screwed up pretty bad man, the activities were like 4 dead or dying people lah... come on man, its national day, bring some life in2 it... seriously, next year try 2 get some better people 2 organize FUN activities 4 a change eh? yeah so went 2 skul at like 8+, everyone was like starring at me or something lah, i was like "shit, am i the only 1 going 2 skul at this time?"... seriously it was damn messed up, then got 2 skul and realised that it was a friggin waste of time (other than checking out ms cho who i must say was OFF THE CHAIN 2day with her RED-HOT outfit, no pun intended)... went 2 do some stupid crossword thing, played tai ti in class and trying 2 get everyone 2 pon the rest of the day with me... in the end really pon with ivan and darryl, not b4 so unfortunately running in2 hu lei lah freak... stupid RE, but after that chao trying 2 evade prefects and chai yaw, went 2 RJ then walked 1 super huge round 2 J8... the whole world juz tripled in friggin population lah, i've nvr seen J8 so damn bloody crowded b4 lah... no place 2 eat, damn sian so in the end went home (even though i had a good 3 hrs plus 2 burn)... realised lately i've been a really badass ponning every friggin thing lah (frankly i cant be friggin bothered, these things are really lame)... i dun think i've ever ponned so many things in such a short time, but then again these stupid events (like cross-country) deserved 2 be ponned... lol... not turning in2 a total badass i hope (although chicks like bad boys, hmmm?)...

back 2 the national day thingy, there's technically 3 days of freedom (more or less), and hopefully these 3 days of freedom will equate 2 having a good time (more often than not the contrary)... 2morrow i dunno if i'm going 2 some discovery centre thingy, plus i wanna play bball and ps2, so much in such little time)... then thurs i wanna go out!!! any takers? watch movie or something, maybe click or the fast and the furious? i'm open 2 anyone man, juz dun lemme rot at home and i will be 4ever grateful (or maybe at least 4 that day lah)... on top of all that there's philo essay and SS pt, so guess i'll be having more than my fair share of things 2 do... but juz 4 2night i think i'll take things easy... lol... there's planetshakers this sat, finally here been waiting 4 quite some time already (somehow i dunno why i'm not so keen, but i'll juz go out and have fun lah)... there's this new found love in basketball that has risen inside me... its like i'm all of a sudden enthu about bball again, and this time its more than juz a game... now, i frankly no longer care about national team cuz that place sucks (seriously), and the only reason i'm still there is cuz i want 2 improve and help my team, my real team... i dun quite care if i get the singapore jersey anymore, pressure is off, all i want 2 wear is the raffles jersey man... i'm ready 4 next year and wat ever may come, i dunno about the rest of the team, maybe they're still in off-season mode, but hopefully they'll join me soon and fight again next year man... cuz all the bets are off and the records are cleaned... i dun care about wat cat high malaysian or koreans or martians, cuz if we're gonna fight it doesnt matter who we're up against, they're gonna shit blood all the same... play time is over, this is where the it all begins... we start from here, and i'm dead serious about it... i get a source of strength from the team, its juz that kinda positive vibe... juz hope peps like danny and az and zf and simon will feel it 2, and the dillons and stanley and kevin boo and even yi fei... i want it and i want it bad, and i'm going 4 it... how about u?

so 2day had g'cup... well, came from a not so fruitful training at combined skuls... beginning 2 feel that combined skuls totally sux (long story), and i'm quite sure that a few others share the same sentiments... so highlight of the day was g'cup, went down 2 do table official and stuff (no game cuz last week kena kicked out liao)... got there at like 11+ only 2 find out that next game was at 2... so burned the time away slacking and juz shooting around... the sun was once again a friggin murderer lah, bloody cooking the whole friggin place... kena cooked like lobster again (but this time not so bad got coach's sunblock)... lotsa people at RJ cuz of some scholarship talk, so was kinda "alive" at 1 point in time... so game time came around, nothing much juz the sian-ness of doing table... had this guy called frank (whom i must say looks quite shuai, 25?), lost his car keys... he was like pretty frantic, b4 his game somemore, so we were like looking under everything (and i mean everything, or almost lah) for his keys... thankfully he found them at the end of the day (seriously at the END of the day), won his game by 1 in the process oso... his teammates damn funky and cool and friendly oso lah... got this 1 guy called "wawa" (dun ask me why hes called that, beats me)? hes damn funny and friendly lah, according 2 az his father is some minister and his mum is angmo (which explains his angmo-ish features)... damn cool... oh and there's this other guy (same batch as frank), called john i think, had this SUPER DUPER cho gf... wth man, seriously when i saw i was like WOW... really cant keep my eyes off her, but taken already, somemore if i stare the john guy would probably use blow torches 2 torches my eyes out or something lah... she was seriously damn cho, kinda envy the guy 4 having such a cho gf, hes probably gonna get some lovin' 2night... anyway, moving on, did like 2 games of table then wrapped up 2day, watched abit of coach's game, sad he lost though (classics?)... took a quick shower and went 2 j8 2 makan (zf, kevin boo, dillon and yi fei stayed and played 2-0n-2, wth man)... makan liao sian, come home...

realised my blog post nowadays are gettin really repetitive and sian... oso noticed that i've been writing alot about how my day went and stuff, all the small unnecessary details, and i wonder where did the "thinking" johnny go 2? the once filled with thoughts and feelings johnny? juz wondered where all that "magic" went (bold as it is, i dare say it was magic)? juz been thinking so much, i know i can safely say i'm over us already, but somehow i juz started thinking again 2day... i juz wanted someone 2 be there with me, 2 see and feel everything i was i feeling, 2 care if i was doing ok and know if i'm alright... i juz wanted someone... and i thought again, when i felt that life was good enuff living "single", when i thought i dun need the other half cuz all it ever brought was pain and misery, when i said screw it 2 relationships and stuff of that sort... i felt all that once b4, when i knew u were nvr coming back, and i held true 2 that, until my head gave way 2 my heart... until 2day... maybe all i want is juz someone 2 care 4 me, someone i can feel close 2, someone 2 share my day with... but somehow i juz keep feeling that same feeling over and over again, that feeling that i need u somehow, that feeling that i want u back, and that feeling that i gave up on... if this pain is the only way i can stay connected 2 u, i'd rather suffer this pain than 2 4get everything, cuz at least i know that i still have u in my heart... i know i will look back and kick myself in the nuts 4 everything i'm feeling and saying right now, but i know that it wont be 4 nothing... maybe i'm juz feeling nostalgic (can it even be called that?), "missing someone"... and 1 pray it will be over soon, but until it dies down, i'll be living in sweet torment, cuz every minute my heart aches, it grows stronger... right now i juz wish we were right back at the beginning, and we would start over, i'll hold onto every moment as if it were our last, cuz i'll know when it would truly be...

been living in the shadows 4 the past couple of days and i cant take it anymore... i juz wanna get it over and done with, i dun wanna feel like i owe anyone anything... i dun wanna feel like a criminal and be guilty of something as simple as this... i dun want 2 be held captive by my conscience anymore... i'm juz gonna come clean 2morrow, 2 my teammates and all... the punishment can wait, but i'm gonna apologise 2 my teammates 2morrow... i cant live in this fear and guilt anymore, i cant pretend as if nothing has happened and live life as it is... i dun wanna owe myself an answer, neither do my teammates... coming clean, 4 good...

the end of 1 helluva messy week... 2day was the last of all the assignments and tests 4 practically this term (technically)... had eng letter 1st thing in the morning, which was absolutely mad cuz we only had like 15 mins? rushed like siao, didnt even get 2 elaborate properly, i swear albar is a nice teacher but sometimes shes can really be an old cow... lol... then after that had bio written assignment (a.k.a. quiz), knew i was going 2 pay 4 not muggin... think i screwed it quite badly, left a whole 3 marks question blank... open book somemore (could this day get any better?)... following which had maths TA on log (which i was super late cuz tan lai lin was breathing down my neck the whole time i was chionging the wrksht, when the practically the whole class left)... it was pretty ok, screwed some (as always, what's new?) hopefully nailed some... then had chinese which was slack and assembly which was slacker... 2 round up a day (and the week) of nutcase test and assignments had chem prac (which i missed on mon)... hopefully i did ok, didnt really think about it, only thought was 2 get it over and done with... went training (but didnt train), coach didnt show and muscleman left so training was kinda messed, but they had lotsa fun though... didnt train but somehow managed 2 sprain my right thumb (again?!?!), same injury and the same amount of pain... nvr really managed 2 heal properly, so this time i'll probably let it heal up properly b4 i try 2 do anything stupid...

well, 1 of the most whacked up week this term (as short and busy as it is)... really felt the stress factor building up... wed and thurs especially with alot of things crashing in (6 in total?)... and 2 me, 2day is as good as the last day of skul! lol... 3 weeks of dmp, with next week being national day week, 3 outta 5 days no skul... 2morrow is philo (slack), maths (sleep) and pe (swim? nah)... really feel like lettin loose 2day, nothing can bring my mood down... realised that i've taken a better look on life recently... i mean i'm more positive (i think), like my sprained ankle and thumb (most recently incurred), nvr really felt down or anything, juz thought that i'd give it as much time as it takes 2 heal and imma hit the courts again (of course taking good care of them oso)... all the test and everything, nvr really felt like giving up, although screwed it but still optimistic and juz basically happy 2 get everything outta the way... praising myself (the most pathetic form of self-reflection) is as good as no praise, but no1 else is there 2 give me the boost i need so i've only got myself... not going 2 let anything bring my mood down (frankly i'm not really that over the moon, more of juz being relieved that all that crap is over)... there's combined skuls on sat (which i would probably be sitting out) and g'cup (sun oso)... cant wait 4 next week, got planetshakers thingy (so sorrie chris, but az asked me and i juz went along with it, feel really bad about it, sorrie again ya?)... so i think imma go download some songs now and slack the rest of the night away... 2 all those guys still with shit 2morrow, juz think of it as the last day already, final push and after that u'll be slack ur asses off like me... lol... have this sudden urge 2 play fifa '04, maybe during national day? haha, peace out man...