i realised something 2day... i take for granted, the people who are closest 2 me... it always takes something big 2 knock some serious sense in2 me... its always something big time, that shakes the loose feathers n really slaps u hard on the face... everytime something like that happens i just wake up, i tell myself "hey things are gonna change"... i put in that extra effort n pay that little bit more attention, make sure i'm doing wat i set out 2 do, 2 accomplish my "goal"... yeah everything works out fine, 4 awhile... after that i loose sight of my goal, n everything comes crashing down... n when u've reached terminal velocity (dun quite know wat it really means but hey at least it sounds cool), u land, hard, face first onto something i'd like 2 call earth... man, when that happens, u gotta feel the pinch... this cycle seems 2 be taking place about everything month or so, depending on how fast i lose sight of my goal and how fast my patience or energy runs out... n who takes all this shit u may ask? people who are closest 2 me... sounds weird doesnt it? hell yeah, didnt make a shit piece of sense 2 me at 1st... but when i look at it again, i know where everything is coming from, where it is and pretty much where its going... i mean, many simple things i take 4 granted in life, many things i've told myself 2 change many times b4, somewhat like all this bullshit above... but, as always, shit comes back n hits ya right smack in the face... u know, its like everytime i tell myself, i wanna change, n i believe i can do it without anyone reminding me or having the motivation coming from and external source, i want it 2 come from within... yeah at 1st everything is fine and dandy, things start 2 open up, turn 4 the better, making it good... yeah situations are gettin better, hey life doesnt suck half as bad anymore... thats where everything else rubs it's smug little face in, patience runs low, the strength 2 keep going juz goes out the window and the motivation 2 keep trying simply stops... n everytime life juz seem that little bit duller, that little bit more boring, that little bit more sleepy... everything crawls and u wouldnt know when u would next see daylight... n everytime without fail, something big juz comes along n says "hey, wake up boy! get ur friggin life straight cuz aint no1's gonna do that 4 ya"... usually it oso says "i'll see u in a month's time when u need some big ass problem 2 wake u up again"... yeah well, all that was juz a load of bullshit, everything i've written... the ones i care 4 the most, i take 4 granted... everytime i tell myself 2 change, everytime i do something about it, everytime i juz think about it, it all juz seems 2 go down the drain with juz one slip of concentration and one slip of that little strength... juz one... every single friggin time... hai, i think i've said 2 much... i've lost sight of wat i wanted 2 say already (someone please tell me why i'm not surprised?)... somehow i know its gonna happen again... i juz know it... whether or not i can change, or whether i'm willing 2 change, thats a another tale 4 another time... but i juz feel it will happen again... somehow i feel helpless at watever is happening... should i juz delay it, or spend every bit of strength 2 stop it all 2gether? i dunno i'm confused (as always), get my thoughts straightened up 1st... juz had 2 put all of this down somewhere... change...