no 1 probably reads my blog so i'll juz say wat i wanna say... i have been thinking about stuff lately... i finally realised why i've been so damn slack the past few weeks... i have no goals in my life right now... thats why i've been aimlessly wasting my time... ever since the end of bball season, i've nvr really had any motivation 2 do anything... my grades have dropped, cts are nearing n i've wasted 3 good weeks... there was nothing i really wanted 2 work 4 after bball... i guess this year i focused so much of my time on bball that i nvr really tot about wat imma gon do after the season... then losing in the finals nvr really helped my cause... deep down felt really dissapointed... somewhere inside me juz gave up i think... i was sick n tired of bball... nvr really felt like going training... nothing 2 push me... from then everything went downhill... nvr study 4 tests, pop quiz fail, nvr pay attention in class... a series of events... now i feel my grades are way below my standards... i feel my life is meaningless... then i had a talk wit chris... he told me about some stuff... n i can relate 2 wat he is saying... i realised i needed goals... i dun think i can plan 4 any long term goals as in life long goals right now... but i need some that i can work 2wards... the other part missing in me is motivation... during season, all the training... nvr gave up 4 a moment no matter how tough it was... because i know my teammates are going through the same thing... working hard 4 the championship all seemed worthwhile... worked 2wards a common goal wit my teammates, built really strong relationships, pulled through the tough times... after the tiring games, feeling dead beat, with so much work 2 do, juz feel like giving up on my work... but this one person juz kept pushing me on... encouragements... i drew alot of motivation from this particular "person", both during the season n after... but soon i felt that this could not go on... i drew so much from this person that i know it could be nothing more than an infatuation... i gave up... i moved on... but i realised i couldnt pick up from where i left off... i felt that i still needed this person... the only source that kept me going... n i realised 2day that i still needed that person... how much more can i take from this b4 it dries out... will it be 2 late? anyway, i had nvr had such a strong sense of aim since last year when the 5 sec ones came 2gether... back then we knew we wanted something... right now i know i want something... i juz have so much energy spent on so many things, so many emotions... if only i had used all these emotions n turned them in2 motivation... thats wat i realised 2day... if there's anything i want right now, it is 2 get stronger... right after ct, i gotta find time 2 go gym... have been going gym but 2 inconsistently 2 see results... but during holis n post ct period, i wanna go gym 2 see results... i'll probably go gym wit chris, serves as extra motivation... gotta beat chris... friendly competition... if he keeps going, i'll keep pace... after ct training 4 b div kicks in... i must find a good schedule 4 my gym... i wanna start swimming every sunday as well, juz 2 serve as an alternative... thats basically wat i wanna work 2wards, gettin stronger by the time sec3 comes around... sports is a great way 2 get goals n start working 2wards them... hopefully b div wont seem sian 2 me anymore once training starts, maybe then i will have more will 2 work... plus combined skul would really be a boost 4 me... maybe i will turn that in2 my next goal, if i can get in2 the team... now cts are so near, no point worrying about the past or future, i juz wanna settle my ct, get reasonable marks, n settle wat needs 2 be done... then after ct i can start working 2wards my goals... i have a feeling that all this is juz a spur of the moment kinda thing, sorta impulsive emotions... but i hope that i can turn these emotions n energy in2 doing the things that need 2 be done... as 4 motivation, i really dont wanna turn 2 u anymore, simply because, i've said this 2 many times b4, it wont work out... but why is everyone so attracted 2 u? everyone seems 2 have that special little place in ur heart, everyone but me? yes u've been there 4 me, but were u juz messing around wit my feelings? playing along wit the game? i dunno, i seriously dunno... i dun wanna find out... this feeling, jealousy? only thing i can take from this now is 2 turn my emotions in2 strength... i feel weak, n this serves as a reminder... this post probably does more 4 me than it does 4 anyone else reading this... imma selfish, inconsiderate jerk... deal wit it... u are probably not reading this, i dun even think u know this blog exist... so all my past post about love n crap was juz a waste of time... u wont understand me... not because u cant, but because i dun think u even tried... so jealousy? wont last long... everytime u flirt wit a guy, i let a little piece of wat i was holding on so tightly to go... everytime u walk past n ignore me, i 4get all the good times i foolishly thought we shared... a fool i once was, a fool no more... i will change my life, i'm gonna do something about it... i'll show u wat u did 2 me... i've lost 2 much on u, i wont lose anymore... sorrie if i have wasted ur time, this probably means no one because my blog is as good as a dead rat... i will nvr feel the same way about u again...