The Love Of My Life

2011-02-13T13:00:00.004+08:00

Valentine's
by Jonathan Lim

I used to scribble notes and fold paper roses for Valentine’s,
but that was when we were young, and I still had someone to call mine.
Now I’m empty, bitter and cold,
and hope is something these crooked fingers find difficult to hold.

Just as I try to make these words fit in between the lines,
no matter what I do, I just can't seem to make them rhyme.
My pictures of you fade a little more every day,
life in technicolour has now become fourteen shades of grey.

Though every night I still dream about us walking down that sun-soaked beach,
your hand, like that warm orange glow, has always been just a little out of reach.
But since you left, I’ve seen, tasted and felt a little more.
When the world comes crashing down, I still want to be the one waiting at your door.

The purple skies you painted used to colour my world,
because everything else paled in comparison to this beautiful girl.
Until you reached into my chest and took what was rightfully yours,
the hollow you left is now guarded by closed doors.

And they said to open up and try again,
but how do you open yourself to more of the same pain?
Then the answer comes bleeding clear,
when you’ve found someone who was worth all the tears.

comeback kid~

2010-08-11T01:39:00.003+08:00

Lilies
by Jonathan Lim

The words are harder to find after so long,
like love in a maze of broken lines in broken love songs.
No matter what I do the feelings don't seem to fade away,
I remember that first night like it was yesterday.

We talked through the night until the sunrise,
I wish I could have seen the look in your eyes.
I miss your words because I know they are true,
they tell me so much more than "I Love You".

You know you've loved and lost,
when you're with someone else, but she's all you can think of.
I wish I could tell you how much I miss you everyday,
but there's only so much a broken heart can say.

For a brief moment, I found love I never knew,
a love I never believed existed, until I found you.
But like fleeting, fragile seconds in time,
that moment is lost in the recesses of my mind.

I told you once before I'd never love another,
every breath without you keeps getting harder.
You are the one I love and always will,
lilies in the wind, are still.

2010-02-27T12:01:00.003+08:00

Waking up i see that everything is okay,
the first time in my life and now it's so great.
Slowing down, i look around and i am so amazed,
i think about the little things that make life great.

I found a place so safe, not a single tear,
the first time in my life and now it's so clear.
Feel calm, i belong, i'm so happy here.
It's so strong and now i let myself be sincere.

I wouldn't change a thing about it,
this is the best feeling.

This innocence is brilliant, i hope that it will stay.
This moment is perfect, please don't go away.
I need you now,
and i'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by.

Avril Lavigne

more than satisfied with my little space in virtual reality. a little space i can call my own in the big and crazy world (wide web) out there. for this little space, i am thankful, and always will be. it is here, that i belong.

it's so beautiful, it makes you want to cry.

2010-02-19T22:10:00.001+08:00

I'll never be the same, if we ever meet again.

2010-02-04T22:17:00.004+08:00

Before Chapter One
by Jonathan Lim

There will be no long, drawn-out goodbyes,
there will be no tears because no one will cry.
Only a little boy stepping out into a brave new world,
as the next chapter of his story begins to unfurl.

All the hopes and dreams are cast aside.
Let go of your deepest fears and take everything in your stride.
In a time of confusion and misguided ghosts,
only your heart can tell you what you want the most.

When thrown into the brutal jungle of human reality,
hold on to not what you see, but who you are and what you believe.
When the world begins to question their souls,
soul-searching will simply lead you to the values of old.

A fresh page awaits the smudge of an old friend.
Before a new beginning, there must be a familiar end.
As this little boy left his old world behind and ran,
this little boy will be one step closer to being a man.

sleep well, my misguided ghosts.
in the morning, we will learn.

2010-01-23T19:39:00.004+08:00

bittersweet memories,
that is all i'm taking with me.
so, goodbye. please, don't cry.
we both know i'm not what you need.

i hope life treats you kind,
and i hope you have all you've dreamed of,
and i wish to you, joy and happiness.
but above all this, i wish you love.

and i will always love you.
i will always, always love you.

Whitney Houston

2010-01-03T20:07:00.004+08:00

it feels oddly surreal sitting here on a sunday night, when the rest of the world are setting their alarm clocks, preparing to step out into the light and take on the new year. i'm certainly not complaining, but 12 years does make a habit out of you. i should say this is a well deserved break. i'm soaking up every moment, before my time comes, and the moments are gone. it feels strange not to have the burden and anticipation of tomorrow. no first day of school, no familiar faces and certainly no more bullshit, for now. i think nostalgia has a really bad sense of timing, consuming the right people at the wrong time. slightly under a month left, and on the brink of a new reality. somehow can't help feeling like it's my last night, only to wake up to an unfamiliar ringing, not of alarms but of silence. and a premature ending is called for, before the words take me to places i'd rather not be right now.

what do a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito and his libido have in common?

they all smell like teen spirit.

2010-01-01T00:29:00.005+08:00

first post of 2010!

i hereby officially declare "You Get What You Give" by New Radicals, as the official anthem of the new decade, and as a matter of fact, every decade to come. there is simply no better song to welcome the new year. on that note (however completely irrelevant), phuket baby! 9 days and counting. we'll miss you pern, and this one goes out to you.

Wake up kids, we've got the dreamers disease.
Age fourteen, they got you down on your knees.
So polite, we're busy still saying please.

Frienemies, who when you're down ain't your friend.
Every night we smash their mercedes benz.
First we run and then we laugh 'till we cry.

But when the night is falling,
and you cannot find the light.
You feel your dreams are dying,
hold tight.

You've got the music in you.
Don't let go.
You've got the music in you.
One dance left.
This world is gonna pull through.
Don't give up.
You've got a reason to live.
Can't forget we only get what we give.

Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile.
We're flat broke but hey we do it in style.
The bad rich, God's flying in for your trial.

But when the night is falling,
and you cannot find a friend.
You feel your tree is breaking,
just bend.

This whole damn world can fall apart,
you'll be ok, follow your heart.
You're in harms way I'm right behind,
now say you're mine.

New Radicals

2009-12-31T23:35:00.002+08:00

i'll try to spare everyone (including myself) a long drawn out emotional, nostalgic look back on the past year in this year end blog post. we may try our best sometimes, but we fail anyway. the past two years has strangely welded into a single collective memory, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to draw the line between the beginning and the end. so many things are coming to an end, just as the year is drawing to a close. a large part, if not the only part, of life as we know it will fade into the deep recesses of our minds with the passing of 2009, which is the process of formal education. no more classrooms with classmates, no more uniforms, no more co-curricular activities and everything else that makes up our school life. the saying goes, "the sum of the parts is greater than the whole". our memories will be made up of the little details of our school lives, and they will forever remain with us, because these memories, mistakes and choices have shaped and will continue to define who we are. we are the choices we make, and have made.

school was a blast. there is simply no better place to make friends, discover yourself and prepare for the real world. but playtime is over, and with that, we must write the finale to another chapter of our lives. the past 12 years of formal education will come to a close with the passing of 2009, and although many lessons were learnt, there can only be yet more. as we leave our uniform, comfortable, safe lives behind, we step out into the unknown. we think we know what lies out there, but we know nothing. we can only take our experiences, and hope they will help us overcome the obstacles out there. if they don't, then we're on our own. the real world will provide many more challenges, experiences and opportunities to prove ourselves, or simply to confirm the notion that would always be proven right all along: that we are anything but perfect.

with 2009, once again, (the same) lessons were learnt, and (the same) lessons were never learnt. but one thing's for sure: this year, has like every other year, taught me a little more about myself. that being said, the things i've learnt this year, is of far greater significance than any previous years for one simple reason: these painful lessons, will shape the person i will become in a society that accepts no less than perfection (a tragic irony), and the person i may have to live with for the rest of my life. experiences come without warning, and life forces you to take them with even less preparation. a rude shock in the lessons of love and human nature. you can't have your pie, and eat it. now that i know myself as a person a little better, the choices and dilemmas beg attention: who do i want to be, and what am i going to do about it? as the questions pose themselves, it seems like 2010 and the next couple of years are years taken off my life. like i have no other choice but to put my life on hold. but if the following years are as fruitful in self-realisation as the past years, then anything and everything is to be expected, even the unexpected. so maybe these two years are perfect for some soul-searching, and finally answer some of the questions that have been tossed aside until a better time presents itself. well, now may be the time.

here i am, sitting and thinking about things that may not matter very much in the morning. as this lonesome self ushers in the new year with cascades of fireworks going off in the background, cheers with common new year tunes accompanying greetings and joyous laughter, there is no better time to feel alone, or alive. for everything that i've felt this past year, nothing rings louder, or more true than the feelings i felt with you. and those are the feelings i would be chasing after for the rest of my life, if luck be so kind for me to find them again. as for old flames, i guess it's time to really let one go. not just saying it or pretending to, but to finally come to a compromise with my heart and mind. it is no longer a choice, but a necessity. the only feelings i'm allowed to have about you now, are of blessings and happiness, if only emotions transmit energy like some sort of interspatial wave. life has been more than rocky in 2009, and life will probably be just the same in just about every other year. the past is to be put away, the present is to be the past and the future is to come. and once again i've lost the plot.

the new year has come and gone whilst i've been typing away. resolutions have never been my strong suit, as the previous years speak for themselves. if anything, however, i would wish for, is to be able to feel. to feel everything, from misery to elation, from heartbreak to rage, from hope to despair. i wouldn't wish for anything to be taken away, even if it means to suffer in order to savour. it is a gift to feel, for everything. and it is this precious gift, i would never want taken away. my greatest fear now, is that my feelings have numbed, and i'm losing grip on these emotions, because nothing seems to matter anymore. nothing strikes a chord. to be aware, to feel and to understand feelings, is beyond words. so my toast to the new year is simple: no words, but to feel.

control and temperance may soon have to join my list of "resolutions" as another blog post on the 31st has gone completely awry and "beyond words". but i guess, in all these words, the essence of 2009 is captured. a mess of words and details, but the beauty to understand it all, within. 2009 has gone, and 2010 has arrived. new hopes, new dreams and new mistakes. most importantly though, new life. it's time to make the most of what we're given again, as the new year beckons. turn our faces into the sun, as our song is not yet over, for we have only just begun.

last thoughts of 2009: to be at peace with heart and mind, as life moves forward ever so slowly, but ever so surely.

first thoughts of 2010: happy 2010! smile like you mean it!

2009-12-28T12:56:00.001+08:00

once the music ends, you'll be with him forever

2009-12-26T22:24:00.006+08:00

Seven Deadly Sins

vice vs. virtue

vices

pride (superbia) vs. humility

greed (avaritia) vs. charity

lust (luxuria) vs. chastity

envy (invidia) vs. kindness

gluttony (gula) vs. temperance

wrath (ira) vs. patience

sloth (acedia) vs. diligence

virtues

which sin will you succumb to today?

radix omnium malorum avaritia

2009-12-22T14:40:00.004+08:00

like strangers, that's what we are.
darling, how can lovers pull apart so far?
like strangers, how can it be?
only days ago we loved so tenderly.

i love you, truly i do.
and i hope deep in your heart, you love me too.

let's forget that we've been angry,
let's be lovers like before,
and swear not to be like strangers, anymore.

The Everly Brothers

2009-12-19T22:26:00.004+08:00

exchanging body heat in the passenger seat

now i'm of consenting age, to be forgetting you in a cabaret

let's get these teen hearts beating faster, faster

somewhere downtown where a burlesque queen may even ask my name

so testosterone boys and harlequin girls, will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?

praying for love in a lap dance, and paying in naivety

"lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off, but it's better if you do"

2009-12-18T21:52:00.006+08:00

picture of the night

what are we really looking for? i'm beginning to doubt "love" as a concept in it's entirety. what is it really, that we're looking for? is it companionship? is it another entity to fight the growing darkness and lonely nights? or are we really looking for that fictional/non-fictional "soulmate"? the more i look around, the more i am inclined to believe that we're just looking for human companionship. we just need someone to be there when the world gets cold, or when the darkness in our minds start to take control. we live out the rest of our days, hoping to find the "one", but to what end? for some people, "love" is like a trend. like the pages of a fashion magazine, showing what's hot and what's not, only to be replaced by the next season's catalogue. we're only looking for human companionship. this is the human affliction, and is also the human condition. we were made to reach out, to connect and to not want to be alone. we are creatures of comfort, and in each other, we find comfort. but is that love? what is love? well, seeing as i'm not going to be getting an answer to that question any time soon, i'll leave it at that and move on to a simpler, however, no less challenging question:

what am i looking for?

2009-11-29T23:16:00.004+08:00

man it's a hot one,
like seven inches from the midday sun.
i hear you whispering the words that melt everyone,
but you stay so cool.

my muñequita,
my Spanish harlem mona lisa.
you're my reason for reason,
the step in my groove.

and if you said this life ain't good enough,
i would give my world to lift you up.
i can change my life to better suit your mood,
because you're so smooth.

and it's just like the ocean, under the moon,
well it's the same as the emotion that i get from you,
you got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth,
give me your heart, make it real, or else forget about it.

i'll tell you one thing, if you would leave it'd be a crying shame.
in every breath and every word, i hear your name calling me out.
out from the barrio, you hear my rhythm on your radio.
you feel the turning of the world, so soft and slow,
turning you round, and round.

Santana feat. Rob Thomas

my muñequita, my little elf,

because you're so smooth.

2009-11-26T11:05:00.003+08:00

i realised life would be so much simpler if we just lived in the moment. if we could learn how to let things go, and enjoy the world from the brighter side of life. the world is beautiful, if only we knew how to see it, through carefree, weightless eyes. it's okay to laugh at ourselves, laugh at others and laugh in the face of adversity. we shouldn't take anything too seriously, especially ourselves. go out and have fun, and never let anything bog you down. spend time with friends, laugh and cry with the memories, and know that you're thankful everyday for the people who stay, even when the best have gone away. go out and experience new things, explore places you've never been. you only get one chance at this life, so why not take it? life's really too short to be miserable all the time. it's time to let go of all the sadness, trepidation and animosity. bask in the blinding morning sun, and be nothing but yourself. the world is simple and so is life, it's only a matter of whether we want to live it that way.

you don't have to worry,
cause everything's alright.
i know that you'll get me,
that you'll get me through the night.

2009-11-21T09:52:00.002+08:00

no luck of the irish, for the irish. i know how it feels like to be robbed at a big game, on a big stage, albeit not quite as big as this. my heart goes out to them, but to expect a replay, was a little beyond me. those are the rules of the game, and once the final whistle goes, the decision is final. perhaps it could have been handled better, but it has passed and we have to move on. those are the rules of life. if only you could turn back time. there is nothing we can do to go back and change the outcome of the situation. until we can, we must find a way to accept it, and move forward. so dearly i wish i could go back in time, and so much more dearly i wish i could say i wasn't cheated. it is over now, and nothing you can say or do that will bring back the dead. it is a new day, so the best thing you can do is to make the most of it.

p.s.
thierry henry is not a cheat for goodness sake. his handball was not premeditated. he handled the ball, yes. and it was against the rules of the game, but he is not a cheat. cheated ireland of a possible place in the world cup finals? definitely. i hope he truly feels sorry for the irish, because i'm sure the rest of the world is, bar roy keane.

2009-11-13T21:42:00.003+08:00

happy friday the 13th. happy, only because there's nothing to be sad about. no luck, no fears, no end-of-the-world. just the weekend, so be happy and smile. halfway between insanity and freedom, leaning a little to the side. it's been a long week, and the toughest yet on record. so maybe a little chill out and kick-back is in order, but not for too long, because tomorrow, we begin again.

if they're really just friends, why wouldn't you choose me over them?
please don't do this again.
i try to give you the space you need, but you end up walking all over me.
please don't do this to me.

2009-11-09T23:07:00.002+08:00

the running count is 0, but the true count is +24. are you ready? time to bring everything you've got to the table. time to make the best with what you have, and hope that what you have is good enough. time to show the world what miracles are made of. it's all about the numbers, but is it really?

good luck to hope, because that's all i'm banking on.

2009-11-08T19:34:00.005+08:00

i'm staring at the next 25 days in front of me. i'm staring down the barrel of a gun. i'm staring at the fate of it all, right in the palm of my hands. i have to admit, it is more than a little unnerving to have so much power and control over your own destiny, especially when it seems like you're in control, but you're actually not. that being said, living under the illusion is definitely better than being disillusioned. the beginning is a little more than 42 hours away, but it feels so distant, just far enough for me to sit here and write about it. once we get started, i just hope it ends in an instant. i hope we don't feel a thing, between the beginning and the end, because feeling would make the process so much more painful (that's pretty much the only emotion we'd feel anyway).

i want to be calm, cool and collected, but i'm not. i'm not ready. i don't think i will ever be. i feel like i'm always going to be that little boy lost in the crowd, shaking, not knowing what to do. all of this anxiety and prep talk isn't really going to count for much when i get thrown into the fray anyway, but this is the only way i'm going in with a clear mind, because the last thing i need right now is a cerebral chew toy. i am positively petrified. i just want it to all be over. i think i'll pretty much take whatever comes right now. close my eyes and await a miracle, or the next best thing, which is me standing next to you, laughing about the grades i got, which have no implication whatsoever on the rest of our lives together. i think i'll take my chances with the miracle.

it's all about the numbers, but is it really? a catchier catchphrase escapes me.

2009-11-07T09:27:00.003+08:00

the world is silent. waiting with anticipation, or with apprehension. we try to convince ourselves that we're ready, even when we know we're not. i know i blew every one of the better days, but there's no time to think about that now. what i have to do, which is absolutely imperative, is to go in without fear, and to make the most with what i have. regret will come, but it's too late now. the fear is taking over, but we have to wrestle back the controls, and try to restore some sense of rationality. i'm literally shaking, but it is not my body i'm worried about; it is my mind. if i could just shut myself off from the world, and care just a little less about what other people do or think, then my world would be a much happier, safer place to be. i guess that's just something we all have to deal with, just as much as we have to deal with this.

i feel a little closer to the edge, a little further from redemption, and a little stuck in between. how is everything going to be ok? how is everything going to be alright when alright is not what you deserve? trust to hope, to hope against hope, because hoping is the only thing we can do.

the clock is ticking, and we're still not winning.

2009-11-02T13:40:00.006+08:00

ladies and gentlemen, we're into single digits. can you smell the fear, the anxiety? can you taste defeat? can you feel the world coming to an end? can you see it now? i sure hope it's just the nocebo effect. or maybe it's just your voodoo working.

i fell in love with your body and soul,
my hands feel sticky and my heads are as cold.
my sugar tastes sour and my salt taste sweet,
i wanna lay down but i just can't sleep.

round and round, it's the same old thing,
heartache, misery, trouble and pain.

slow down baby, you're going too fast,
you love this voodoo and i just can't last.
i cried last night and the night before,
20 long hours, my eyes are sore.

it's your voodoo working, and i can't get away.

Charles Sheffield

2009-10-29T22:12:00.006+08:00

i've got to love myself a little bit more, and love you a little bit less. i realised you're not that hard to forget. or maybe i'm just not trying hard enough to remember. this all feels like a sweet dream thrown into the deep end of the pool. i think i feel numb, because i can't even tell what i'm feeling right now. so many excuses, and yet so little time. in 4 to 5 months time, i could look back on this week and regret it for the rest of my life, but why wait until then? there just seems like so many reasons to fall right now, but i will not let myself. i have always been a fighter, and i always will be. without you, i do not give up. when the going gets tough, the fighter gets going. everything feels like it's stacked against me right now. my faith, my strength, my courage and most importantly, my desire to succeed, will all be tested.

maybe life's really not about a couple of alphabets on a piece of paper, but try telling that to the rest of the world. life's about living, and make no mistake, i'm going to live it to the fullest. and even if i fail, i will find another way. because life doesn't stop, and neither does living. so i'll take my shot and i'll take my chances. it's time to make the most of it. fingers crossed and eyes closed, because right now, i don't want to see the world any more than it wants to see me. it's 12 days and counting, but who's counting?

2009-10-28T23:08:00.003+08:00

a night run is refreshingly a new day in an old town, and that's just how i like it.

this is one heart, you can't bleed out.

2009-10-28T18:44:00.002+08:00

my eyebags are heavy, like the weight on my chest.
i try to get it off, but it only gets heavier at best.
when you feel like giving up, don't give in.
be sure they will find you out, your darkest sins.

two words: fuck life.

2009-10-27T20:42:00.003+08:00

one thing i've learnt, is to never tell the truth, no matter the price. the world can't handle the truth, society can't handle the truth, and most of all, you can't handle the truth. between doing the right thing and doing what makes you feel good, always, always fucking choose what makes you feel good. because it's not worth it. not when your honesty and trust counts for shit. so lesson learnt: be a coward, and live the rest of your damned life as a lie. never tell the truth, never be brave and most importantly, never, ever give your heart away. this is what you get for love. life is a joke, so smile when you can, and never take anything too seriously. just roll with the punches and stay alive.

victory's within the mile,
almost there, don't give up now.

2009-10-24T13:26:00.006+08:00

so here we stand, in our secret place.
where the sound of the crowd, is so far away.
you take my hand, and it feels like home.
we both understand, it's where we belong.

so how do i say, do i say goodbye?
we both have our dreams, we both wanna fly.
so let's take tonight,
to carry us through the lonely times.

i'll always look back, as i walk away,
this memory will last, for eternity.
and all of our tears, will be lost in the rain,
when i find my way back, to your arms again.

but until that day, you know you are, the queen of my heart.

so let's take tonight, and never let go,
while dancing we'll kiss, like there's no tomorrow.
as the stars sparkle down, like a diamond ring,
i'll treasure this moment, til we meet again.

no matter how far,
away you may be.
i just close my eyes,
and you're in my dreams.
and there you will be,
until we meet.

Westlife

you're the queen of my heart

"The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love, and be loved, in return."

~Nat King Cole

2009-10-16T22:55:00.004+08:00

love in technicolour, sprayed out on walls,
i've been pounding on the pavement, 'til there's nothing at all.
i got my cloak and dagger, in a bar room brawl,
see the local loves a fighter,
loves a winner to fall.

it don't matter, i won't do what you say,
you've got the money and the power.
i won't go your way,
i can't take for the people, they don't matter at all,
i'll be waiting in the shadows, 'til the day that you fall.

kill me if you dare,
hold my head up everywhere,
keep myself right on this train.

Kasabian

i seriously need to stop posting lyrics, but that's the way my life is right now. somewhat confined to meaningless words in a song, that may or may not rhyme. i'm taking words from other people's lives to describe my own, and i'm not even going to deny that it's pathetic. i guess that's how i'm living my life now, through the words and melodies of others, at their every whim and fancy. which is why i need to cut myself off from you. give only the love that the other deserves, nothing more and definitely nothing less. i don't feel the love right now, and probably you don't deserve it from me either. there are many others who would be more capable and are better candidates to fill these shoes. i'm not giving you up; i care too much to. neither am i giving in to you, because i simply don't care anymore. insouciance is a gift, used by the ones who care too much to care too little.

2009-10-13T10:35:00.006+08:00

it's time to turn on the radio, and flip the channel to the oldies. desperate, futile attempts to let the music take me back to a place i was never at, but a place i probably belonged. it's oddly therapeutic to have the radio play a song you've never heard before, but be able to recite every word of the lyrics. when the radio plays that song again, it's no time to cry, but to smile, for every memory that we shared. if you don't love me, let me know. if you still love me, don't let me go.

even with our fists held high,
it never would have worked out right.
we were never meant for do or die,
we were always meant to say goodbye.

started with a perfect kiss then,
we could feel the poison set in,
perfect couldn't keep this love alive.
you know that i love you so, i love you enough to let you go.

i want you to know that it doesn't matter,
where we take this road, someone's gotta go.
and i want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better,
but i want you to move on, so i'm already gone.

i'm already gone, already gone.
you can't make it feel right, when you know that it's wrong.
i'm already gone, already gone.
there's no moving on, 'cause i'm already gone.

Kelly Clarkson

2009-10-10T19:51:00.005+08:00

"Think where man's glory most begins and ends,
and say my glory was I had such friends."

William Butler Yeats

I can turn my back on the world, as long as you stand by me.

2009-10-06T23:57:00.004+08:00

B D D S (B)

i'm not going to say too much here. i think the letters above says it all. i'm no longer concerned about competing against others. i think i've come to realise that the greatest competition is from within. it's okay to overachieve and fail, at least you could say you've overachieved. and partly because i realised, or was forced into acceptance by humiliation, that you are truly good. due credit must be given when deserved, even if reluctantly. you are not only bright, but hardworking to boot, so kudos to you. but now i should focus my attention on me. this prelims have shown me that i'm grossly inadequate, yet at the same time it delivered hope. i think i'm finally beginning to see that we'll all get there, it's only a matter of how well we do and whether we can accept our grades. the final consolation is that there is still, albeit little, time. one thing i must resign to is that i'm useless at bio. i'm officially an invalid in bio.

the two of you are like a match made in heaven, and all the angels are clearly singing. i feel like i'm wedging myself in between, but i can't help it. this is not a self-defeating mentality; this is fate and how badly it screws with your life. he is just a perfect cognitive match for you, and that's almost an impossible match. you were just made for each other. he's perfect for you, but you're perfect for me. so what will it be? i don't want to give you up and i'm certainly not giving in, but i spend every waking moment contemplating the possibility that i'm just the one who loves you, while he is just the one. it was always going to be your happiness before mine, so if ever the day comes when you'll be happier with him, i will not stand in the way. but until that day comes, i will bleed my heart out for you, because there is just no one else this heart will bleed for ever again. i may not be perfect for you, but believe me, everyday i try to be.

time is on our side, but that depends which side we're on.

and you've got a smile that could light up this whole town,

i haven't since it in awhile, since he bought you down.

2009-10-01T21:40:00.004+08:00

when i grew up and fell in love,
i asked my sweetheart, "what lies ahead?
will we have rainbows, day after day?"
here's what my sweetheart said,

"que sera, sera.
whatever will be, will be.
the future's not ours to see.
que sera, sera.
what will be, will be"

Doris Day

history is repeating itself right before my very eyes. life is just one big joke, and it's not even funny. everything is just so ironic. it feels like it's all staged. someone up there really has a poor sense of humour if i don't say so myself. i don't know whether to laugh or cry. this time i will be brave. maybe it's a chance to show that i've learnt my lesson. then again, maybe it's just proof that i never learn. but i know one thing is for sure: i'm not going to hurt you like i hurt her. it's time to find all the courage i can muster, and love for all that i am. do you think 10 years is a long time? i do, but it will tell us what we need to know. only time will tell if this love will stand. so much can change between now and then. you know they're not kidding when they say "life is unpredictable". i wish i could tell you that nothing will change, and we will live happily ever after, but the future is not ours to see. whatever it is, even if it doesn't work out, know that for you i would give everything. my promise to you will still hold true, 'til forever and a day. you only deserve the best, my dear friend, so be sure that that is what i will give. from now until then, we just have to hold onto one thing:

whatever will be, will be.

que sera, sera.

2009-09-30T11:58:00.005+08:00

Ghost Away
by Jonathan Lim

You are like a paper ghost to me,
your haunting presence, always felt but never seen.
My nightmares of you are more like my wildest dreams,
untangling the lines but always getting caught up in between.

Memories of you are like a decrepit house of cards to me,
when the lights go out, paper lanterns light up lost souls at sea.
The bitter taste you left on my tongue was nothing more than jealousy,
but the most beautiful comedy is a runaway bride auditioning for a tragedy.

Your paper white veil will hide only what the eye can see,
your lies will hide the rest of what you believe to be.
We never meant to forget our darkest sins,
but we relish the toast to the demons within.

You are snow white and the seven ghosts,
one for every secret you want to hide the most.
When poltergeists come knocking at your door,
offer them milk and cookies, and nothing more.

You are the ghost of heartbreaks' past,
you slither between thoughts and disappear fast.
Apparitions will always be here to stay,
but you're just a fiction of my imagination, so ghost away.

2009-09-30T02:04:00.002+08:00

today began with a nightmare, and it almost ended in one. i realised how much of a hold you still have on me. it's been more than 3 years, and you still affect me. i know i'm over you, but i just don't know what this feeling is. i was in shock. maybe a little more in shock at my reaction to the news than the news itself, but still i was in shock. i just couldn't internalise it. maybe i didn't want to. i think it was selfish of me to feel this way, but i guess i'm entitled to it. over the course of the day, i realised there was no point trying to make sense of everything. there was no way i could go back to the past and change it. there was certainly no way i could change this now. the only thing i could do was accept it. after all these years, you can resent me, but i know i only want the best for you, even if the best was never me.

congratulations. this guy is the luckiest man on the planet. when i meet him, i'm going to tell him to hold onto you forever, because that's the one thing i couldn't do. i'm really happy for you, and i hope i'll be there on the big day. here's wishing you happiness and endless love for your life ahead.

it's been awhile, since i could hold my head up high.
it's been awhile, since i first saw you.
it's been awhile, since i could stand on my own two feet again.
it's been awhile, since i could call you.

it's been awhile, since i could look at myself straight.
it's been awhile, since i said i'm sorry.
it's been awhile, since i've seen the way the candles light your face.
it's been awhile, but i can still remember just the way you taste.

2009-09-24T22:12:00.002+08:00

the following quote was taken from a WWE pay-per-view promotional trailer. of all places to receive words of wisdom and inspiration -.- but i gotta hand it to them, they make one hell of a motivational speech. this was exactly what you were telling me. now it's time to turn words into action.

"When it comes to a breaking point, I don't have one. Not now. Not tomorrow. Never. You will never hear me say 'I Quit'. You won't make me tap. I won't be broken. I can't. I can't be broken. When it comes to a breaking point, I don't have one."

2009-09-24T20:38:00.003+08:00

life's just a pace-call on death,
only less diligent.
and when the two collide, it's no coincidence.
the lights are on and everybody's home.

the only thing suicidal here is the door,
we had a good run; even i have to admit.
life's just a pace-call on death,
only less diligent.

it's supposed to be a mini-celebration. a small sort of triumph. a dress rehearsal for the final day. but the taste of tomorrow will be anything but victory. it's supposed to be the end of a checkpoint, but it feels like the beginning of a long road to hell. some are telling me to take a break because i need it, but the question is: do i deserve it? there's no time for breaks if i'm ever going to get there. the only thing that matters now is how badly i want it and how much i'm willing to sacrifice for it. i don't even know if i want it as badly as i'm supposed to. i really don't see myself crossing that line at the rate i'm going. but now's not the time to think, feel or slow down. just do, act and make things happen. i can't afford to get caught up now, especially since i know just how much room i have to make up. no amount of injury time can cook up a winner for me. i have to settle it in regulation. i have one and a half months to go before the final meltdown, and things are not looking very bright. it's going to be the longest 45 days of my life, or the shortest. i need to make a miracle happen. nothing but the one thing matters, and it's about getting there. i really don't know how i'm going to do it. divine intervention perhaps? one way or another, i have to get there. and if anything, the journey begins tomorrow, because one way or another, this road is leading to hell or glory, and nothing in between.

Hell or Glory,
I don't want anything in between.

She's My Winona - Fall Out Boy

2009-09-17T20:06:00.003+08:00

i can't even do enough to make you stay,
why would i ever ask you to go away?
for you, i'd travel the oceans near and the lands afar,
but first tell me, will you be my winona?

somebody's gonna hurt someone,
before the night is through.
somebody's gonna come undone,
there's nothing we can do.

everybody wants to touch somebody,
if it takes all night.
everybody wants to take a little chance,
make it come out right.

there's gonna be a heartache tonight, the moon's shinin' bright.
so turn out the light, and we'll get it right.

there's gonna be a heartache tonight.
a heartache tonight, i know.

The Eagles

2009-09-16T12:40:00.002+08:00

the past 24 hours have brought me to my knees. just 24 hours. it dawned on me that i've hit rock bottom. there is just simply no way i can go any lower. i still remember the vow i took about a month or so ago, and it seems like it's coming to nought. yet another one of those promises broken. broken like the person i am now. maybe it was complacency today, or maybe it was foolishness in general, but i know deep down neither can explain my downfall. i know i can be better, i know i am. but opinions do not make fact. only the cold hard truth can make fact. and in the cold light of the day, i know i'm not good enough. words turn to whispers when they lose their meaning. judge a man not by what he says, but by what he does. judging from everything that's happened so far, i'm not very much of a man.

let this be a wake up call. it's not often in life one gets a second chance. only those who deserve a second chance, will get it. maybe i'm a little arrogant thinking i could take down the top and go for number one, when i can't even top myself. so let's set things right, and settle the little things first. i have to find a way to erase these memories and get myself back together. i'll have to find a way back into the game. there's not a lot of time left, but time is the least of my worries. i have to make my words count this time. i have to make my actions count. let this be a lesson. a cold, painful lesson. it's better i get stung now then when it really matters. for a second time, i've been made to eat my own words. it's time to start from the bottom, and work my way back. this wake up call hit me hard, like ice on raw nerves and steam to the back on my eyes. the lessons are there to be learnt, let's just hope i learn them. i think it's time i stop talking the walk, and let my walking do the talking.

i've just been put through a baptism of fire, and i've crumbled. only those who deserve a second chance, will get it. if i truly deserve it, i'll have to take it. no questions asked. no room for error. this is not the time to back down. this is the time to fight back. i'm broken. i'm on my knees and i'm begging. i've been humbled and i'm insignificant. all of it won't matter if i can get back. this is no time to be afraid. to conquer your fears is to conquer all. he who dares, wins.

2009-09-14T23:57:00.003+08:00

hold your cards close to the vest,
hold your breath and hope for the best.
don't let the clouds or the rain get you down,
before you know it the world will turn right around.

some things don't matter quite as much once you've given them away. it can't destroy you anymore if you don't let it. and quite frankly, i feel free from you today, for the first time since i've begun to know you. you will never know all of the things that go on beneath the surface, but that's the trick, isn't it? you will never see how hard i'm struggling. you will never see the pain. and even when the pain gets too much to take, you will never see it. i feel alive again today, even if only for a day. with new found strength and faith, we trudge on. it's only going to get tougher, but we can only get stronger. pain is a mother, but it lets you know you're alive. so don't let the clouds or the rain get you down, because before you know it the world will turn right around.

so who's holding you tonight?
my notes are with me, under my bedside light.
it may not shine as bright,
but for tonight, i think it's gonna be alright.

2009-09-13T10:40:00.002+08:00

right now, i'm more alone than ever. what's worse than fighting this war, is fighting it on your own. i have to learn to toughen up, to protect myself from the savageries and casualties. i have to find a way to focus on that blurred goal just out of reach. using all my energy not to push forward, but just to focus on that point ahead. i feel more alone than ever. it's no surprise, that i'll have to learn how to protect myself and find a way to get to the end, all by myself. trying to fly is tough when you can't even stand on your own two feet. i don't need you any more than i need the sun, and right now, my world is pitch black. the faintest sliver of the stargazer's light blinds my eyes. human affection is like an infectious disease, once you've recovered from it, you're immune to it. when you're alone you realise your world is silent; when you're silent you realise your world is void of life. because someone once said, "hold on to what you've been given lately, cause the world will turn if you're ready or not."

time to take my mind off you with whatever the drug store has, but the best they've got is a prescription of math, a shot of bio, an IV drip of econs and a powerful anesthetic called chem. which drug will be worthy of an overdose and a one-way-trip to hell? it's tough to pick your poison when the easiest pill to swallow is caught in your windpipe.

2009-09-09T22:36:00.007+08:00

it was always going to be him so why do i bother trying? you're a feel good drug on a lousy day, and you know just the right words to say. you know how to push all the right buttons and damn, you make it feel good. little ms. unattainable, look yourself in the mirror and tell me you're not the best thing life has to offer. once you've had the taste of perfection, it's hard to kick the habit. i told myself i was in control of my emotion, but who was i kidding? you fuel the desire for addiction and feed the hunger for obsession. this is not surrender, but telling myself i'm stronger than this.

it's easy to walk away knowing you never had the chance, but it's harder to stay knowing you had your chance and blew it. it's clear to see i was merely a passing fancy, and never really had a hold on your heart. i'd most willingly give mine for just a moment of your time. we were never meant to be, we just happened. "he's perfect for you" is just too easy an excuse, but it's the only one i got.

it was fun while it lasted, but it's time to move on. you're the next best thing that happened to me, but i'm not going to make the same mistake twice. it's not love, it's obsession. it's not creation, it's destruction. you won't have power over me because i'm not giving it to you. maybe it could have been something more in a different place and time. this is right here and right now, and this is goodbye. not to lose you is to let you go. maybe if you are less than who you are it will be easier on me, but you're better than that and i'm stronger than this so i'll find a way to deal with it. would you know that the last 4-hour conversation would be our last? would you have said anything differently? i doubt it, your heart was never really there. 'til better times find our way and return to us what was never lost.

you're a drug and this is the cold turkey.

happy birthday to hope, because life just found another way today.

2009-09-03T22:25:00.005+08:00

ride the storm to sip from a cup of broken glass,
cut lass hard right when none will.
poignant and enigmatic,
she stands still.

closer to the lips of the hungry and brave,
kissed the rose, but missed the petal.
fool's gold is a panacea,
shook the sheriff and meddled the mantle.

party with a trip to the wedding parlour or funeral home,
take your demons out for a day.
toast to the iris at daisies for lillies,
soi-disant romantic, lover manqué.

make sense if you will, words never meant.

2009-09-01T23:05:00.003+08:00

You go with the flow and don't rock the boat. Your only hope is that the currents of life will pull you in the right direction. You begin to take your fears for real. You cocoon yourself into a life that insulates you from all these risks. Then you rationalise your behaviour: you have a family to support, and can't take risks, you're too old to shift careers, you can't lose weight because you have 'fat' genes. Five... ten... twenty years pass, and you realise that your life hasn't changed much. You settle down. All that's really left now is to live out the remainder of your years as contently as possible and then settle yourself into the ground, where you'll finally achieve total safety and security.

Those with courage do a different kind of rationalising. Thus, they saddle up anyway despite being scared to death, thinking if there is nothing else that can be gained, at least they have gained strength and confidence by every experience in which they really stop to stare fear in the face. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the judgment that something else is more important. It is the mastery of fear. The courageous simply do the things they think they cannot. The courageous dare to be who they truly are.

-Steve Pavlina

2009-08-24T22:46:00.003+08:00

i feel so unsure,
as i take your hand and lead you to the dancefloor.
as the music dies, something in your eyes,
calls to mind a silver screen, and all it's sad goodbyes.

to the heart and mind,
ignorance is kind.
and there's no comfort in the truth,
pain is the hole you'll find.

tonight the music seems so loud,
i wish that we could lose this crowd.
maybe it's better this way,
we'd hurt each other with the things we want to say.

we could have been so good together,
we could have lived this dance forever.
but now who's gonna dance with me?
please stay.

George Michael

2009-08-22T18:14:00.003+08:00

it's funny how one moment you're on top of the world, and the next you're deep down at the bottom clawing your way out. somehow, something you said struck a raw nerve. it got me going in the opposite direction. for awhile, i couldn't get enough of you. but now, i've had enough of you. it's not meant to be bitter or sour, but enough is enough. i can't say the revelation couldn't have come sooner. it should have.

now things are quite simple. the fact is i've not been putting in as much effort as i should have. all the high hopes and expectations will come to nought. i just can't feel the "drive" i did 6 years ago, if you can even call it drive back then. but still, that is no excuse. there's no time for regrets now, just have to make do with what i have. it may not be much, but it's something to work on. when i look back, i wonder if i'll be happy with what i've done? will i actually regret the times i've wasted away? i'm using every ounce of strength in me to deny with conviction. but the truth cannot be denied. time is short. if i'm better than what i claim to be, i will have to prove it. one way or another. only one thing speaks for itself. the rest will come later. you've picked me up, and now you've set me down. for that i thank you. from here on out, i'm on my own.

intensity begins, hesitancy stops. i will find a better place. with or without you.

2009-08-17T22:38:00.004+08:00

like moth to a flame, i'm charred to a crisp. you are my living flame. you are the goddess the kings and gods worship. just when i thought i could not be any less worthy of someone, you came strolling along into my life. there's something about you i just can't put my finger on. it's not your boundless knowledge of everything in existence. it's not your casual cool-ness in the way you carry yourself. it's definitely not how you stole my gaze the minute you walked in, and returning it only after you drift out like a careless breeze. you seem so carefree, yet inside you're calculated and controlled. the vast distance between who you are and who i want myself to be cannot be represented by any quantifiable variable. you are simply out of the question. it's very simple, yet extremely complicated at the same time. why do i keep going in over my head? what's worse, this time the hole i've dug for myself is even deeper than before, and i just can't stop digging. it's perverse, to the furthest, most obscure depths of it's definition. how can it be so wrong, when it feels so right?

i have to find a way to temper my obsession. i must learn to tame the emotions, before i let them get the better of my judgement. i need to find the calm and stillness from within, like sipping hot tea in the eye of the storm. the goal is very clear, and removing you from the picture is the only way to reach it. you will never understand how incredibly difficult it is for me to feel the way i feel, and act like it never crossed my mind. there is nothing you can't do, except convince me that everything will be fine. it will not, because you crossed my path, and it has since forever changed. the whole concept of you is amazing. you are everything no one could have imagined. there is just no reasonable or rational explaination for your existence, because heaven would have never allowed someone so perfect to be created. you are beyond perfect.

the road to redemption is a long one. it begins by not hiding my feelings, but learning to balance them. the matters of the heart to contend with the matter of the mind. the one who's good enough is the person i will never be. you have everything in the palm of your hands. you will not fuel my obsession anymore. i think i've fallen for you, so i know i have to let myself go. if it's not meant to be, it will never be. stop living inside my head, because the real world is cruel and painfully real. you leave me speechless. you are everything that defines everything i've ever dreamt of. you are surreal. you are a trickster, and you will be my daemon. you are a living flame, and i am burnt.

you're what i go to school for.

2009-08-05T18:30:00.005+08:00

really should stop my stalker-ish behavior, even i find myself scary. but i just can't seem to take my eyes of her. she shouldn't be the prize, because there's alot greater in store, but she is the one distraction i just keep falling for. come on, i need to stop this and focus for real.

the evening is perfect. the sky and weather, immaculate. if only this was a sign for things to come. how am i ever going to find anything worthy enough to bridge this gap? is there anything i can do to cross this great divide? maybe for a start, i could get my act together and start setting it right. but even if i did that, i still wouldn't be good enough. it's a fact i'll just have to wrap my head around, eventually.

ok, it's really time to go all out. i keep saying that in desperate hopes that it'll miraculously come true. cannot afford to get left behind, again. everyone else is picking up the slack, and i'm struggling to keep up. this four day weekend is the make-or-break period. it's going to ignite the spark, or put it out. i need to make this work, one way or another. i can't seem to stress the importance of it enough, especially to myself.

stop getting distracted, even for awhile. you know you can't have her so don't even stop to think about it.

this evening is perfect. let it remind you of what you will never be, yet at the same time let it coax you into believing that something out there is worth it all.

i'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence i have, and cannonball into the water.

for you i will.

p.s.

this one is for pernjie. for my ardent blog supporter (or so he claims). hate to be a stick in the mud, but 28 days to prelims and 97 days to A's. it's time for now or never, unless you plan to live forever.

2009-07-27T22:35:00.004+08:00

talk about going out into the cold. today was near sub-zero by singapore's standards, and i absolutely love it. the cold breeze. the light rain. you could almost feel your breath condensing as it leaves your mouth. ok maybe it wasn't really that cold. it isn't cold enough on the outside, but the inside is frozen. it's colder than anywhere else. it's freezing. why is it so cold on the inside? i think someone broke the thermostat, or just left the fridge door open. when am i going to find your warm smile melting through this ice? hopefully in about 129 days. i've made up my mind. the only person who's going to stop me is you. please remember to smile.

37 days to prelims (holy crap).

106 days to A levels.

ice-cream in winter is the best remedy for a broken heart.

2009-07-26T23:09:00.003+08:00

here we go again. everything is going back to normal. it's time to go for the big fish. don't even think about regretting a single thing once this is all over. it doesn't matter if we're ready or not, because the time will come and the time will go, and whether we capture it, is entirely up to us. remember today, because it's going to be the last memory before we begin. good or bad, it's going to last 'til the end. we should be excited, because it's going to be the last time, if not the only time we'll be able to do this, and like it. the moment we've all been waiting for has arrived. let's go out into the cold and have some fun. everything is going back to normal, but since when has anything been normal?

time to rock 'n rolla!

2009-07-24T01:24:00.004+08:00

i wonder, who is watching? are the stars watching from above? are the angels carelessly gazing down from the clouds? who could possibly take fancy on the miserable life we live? only fools will wish their time away on the uneventful and the dull. we pursuit colours and trophies we don't really need. so what is it that us humans really want? love? compassion? global domination? the stars laugh at our naivety, and the angels shed a tear for our loss. we don't really know what we want, not even when it's right in front of our faces. when we think we have it all, we only want more.

i want to understand how it all works, how our lives were meant to play out. i want to know what happens in the end, what we are doing this for. i want to know why i did the things i did and why i didn't do the things i didn't. i want to know why i got hurt, and why i hurt other people. i want to know who my real friends are in the end, so i can just hold on to them now. i want to know why i had so many chances, yet made so many mistakes. i want to know how many days i have left to love, so i'll love with every last bit of my heart. i want to know how i can change the world, so i can make a difference and make my life worthwhile. i want to know who you are, so i can find you and keep you in my life. i want to know why we're here in the place and time, when we could be someone else somewhere far away. i want to know the reason why things happened the way they did, so i can understand why i'm alive today.

maybe these answers i'll never know, not now anyways. the answers are left for the very end, when the game is over and life has run it's course. no one will know, not until the last seconds tick by. maybe i'll find the answers soon, maybe not. we'll just have to stick around and find out how it ends. there's nothing we can do now but live.

so be honest, are you watching?

2009-07-21T21:49:00.003+08:00

she wakes up scared of getting old,
she don't feel no shame.
she knows so many pretty boys,
and they are all the same.

if what you know is who you are,
then she's everything.
you don't need an education to know the class that you're in.

they said, "hey there girl, tell me what do you do?"
she said, "nothing but i'm damn sure it's more than you."

love is when you wanna kiss and you get bit.

that girl's a genius.

Jet

you will always be a goddess to me, no matter what they say.

2009-07-20T21:36:00.006+08:00

slow down, you crazy child.
you're so ambitious for a juvenile.
but then if you're so smart,
tell me why are you still so afraid?

where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
you better cool it off before you burn it out,
you've got so much to do,
but only so many hours in a day.

but you know that when the truth is told,
that you can get what you want or you can just get old.
you're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through,
when will you realise, ______ (~~manchester~~) waits for you.

slow down, you're doing fine.
you can't be everything you want to be before your time.
although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight.
too bad but it's the life you lead,
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
though you can see when you're wrong,
you know you can't always see when you're right.

you've got your passion, you've got your pride,
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
when will you realise, ______ (~~she~~) waits for you.

slow down, you crazy child.
take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile.
it's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two.
when will you realise, _____ (~~vienna~~) waits for you.

Billy Joel

2009-07-19T23:17:00.002+08:00

everything about manchester turns me on. even the word "manchester" drives me crazy. i think i've fallen head over heels for manchester. i'm just deeply and ever so madly infatuated. manchester is my mecca. there are so many other wonderful places, and probably many greater universities, but i simply couldn't take my eyes off this one place. it's just the thought of being there. closest to the one place i have never been, yet it feels like i've been there all my life. home is where the heart is, and my heart is in manchester. harvard, yale, princeton, UPenn, cornell, dartmouth, brown, columbia, oxford and cambridge step aside. The University of Manchester, baby. or am i only dreaming? if i am, then take me to neverland.

manchester baby.

2009-07-14T20:09:00.004+08:00

B D D S (B)

unacceptable. simply unacceptable. i don't know what stings more, getting grades that suck or knowing i could have done better. somehow, the desire to not lose is far greater than the desire to win. i got alot more than i deserved given the amount of time i put into studying seriously, but based on that fact alone, i know i deserve better. giving in this time only means that i've given up. if you think i've given up, then you're right. you win. i give up. i concede defeat. you are better than me, and there's no way i'm going to go around that fact by sitting around hoping luck will get me by, because it won't. not anymore. you beat me hands down this time. you are smarter than me and it's going to take the hell out of me to overcome that.

the humble pie is all mine, and i'm not going to enjoy having every bite of it. it only goes to show the best way to shut your critics up is to shut up, and let the grades do the talking. i think i've been going around with all talk and very little action. alot of white noise, but no substance. yes i concede defeat. no point trying to save what's left of my pride, and pretend that i'm still better than you.

from here on out, it's fair game. smartness only gets you so far. when it comes down to the crunch, nothing else is going to matter except how badly you want it and how much you're prepared to sacrifice for it. this one hurts, but it only makes me want it even more. all this time i've been playing a fool, thinking i could get by. you're no pushover, so am i. i've never really given myself a chance to take one good shot at you. i'm not even worried about those who want my neck, all i'm concerned with is taking yours and getting to the top. maybe it's my ego, but i can't accept that you're the one taking all the honours, when no one is really giving you a run for it. i've learnt that nothing comes by for free, it's time you should too. maybe i'm a little foolish and a lot naive, but if i don't do anything about it, i will never know. i'm sorry i have to break it to you, but it's a cut-throat business here and the only good friend is a dead friend. i'm might turn out to be a person for the worse, but i'll just have to deal with that later. right now, there are scores to settle.

there are some that are impossible, but you're not impossible, not by a long shot. this might sound like, and turn out to be, a whole lot of wind. if you want to stick around and find out, be my guest. i never liked to give my adversaries a headstart, but this one is due given. i'm telling you now, i'll make up for it, and more. really, this one is cutting too close. it's too late in the game to start thinking about the what-ifs. don't even think about it. do now, talk later. it's going to push me over the edge, not like everything else hasn't already. time is running out. be honoured. because i'm not doing this for myself, i'm doing this for you. just to prove i'm better than you. i have nothing to lose, even if i still lose in the end. i'll walk away from this fight with my head up high and my pride in my hands. i'll live to fight another day. be afraid. because if i'm going to do half of what i say i'm going to do, you have every reason to be afraid. and last but not least, be warned. this is not going to be fun, for you and for me. the one who wants it more will get it, and believe me when i say: i want it. i want it bad. not just for the sake of getting it, but i want to beat you. you heard me right. i want you to know a fight is coming, and there's nothing you can do about it. face up to the challenge or crumble. i know what i have to do. shut up, and let the grades do the talking. you have been warned. now bring the rain.

2009-07-10T22:02:00.007+08:00

it's time to up the stakes. all the bets that were off are now back on. everything, if anything, is on the line. it's time to give you up. it's dead tiring holding out a candle for you when you never look my way. you're flat out perfect, but i'm never meant to be perfect so i have to let this one go. i know there are countless others just waiting to be in your presence, and even more hoping to hold your heart. you're not in that place now, and it's heartwrenching to be the only one there. the only one waiting. i think i've taken this joke too far. enough is enough. it's time to give up and move on. if ever, by fate's hand or life-changing luck, you decide to give the hopeful a chance, i'll be the first in line, waiting for you. i always will. but until then, it's time to put these feelings away for a long long time, and find some other musings in life to occupy my empty heart. it was nice knowing you, and not knowing you at all.

i remember the days we spent together were not enough,
and it used to feel like dreaming except we always woke up.
never thought not having you here now would hurt so much.

tonight i've fallen and i can't get up,
i need your loving hands to come and pick me up.
and every night i miss you i can just look up,
and know the stars are holding you, holding you, holding you tonight.

2009-07-08T21:06:00.002+08:00

the old guards will not pass.
i stand at the gates, but the old guards will not let me pass.
they wouldn't let me in.
the old guards will not pass.

today i received the best birthday present ever. in it's simplicity, is genius. it really made my day. those words, just the thought of it brings a smile to my face. i just can't stop smiling to myself. she never knew, and she probably didn't really care. it doesn't matter to me, because in one simple gift, i have everything i want, and probably everything i need to get me through the rest of the days, even if it amounts to nothing in the end. the concept of the gift is more appealing than the gift itself.

it is the best birthday present. ever.

2009-07-06T21:22:00.005+08:00

should i close the door? so they can't see what's going on inside.

should i close the door? so they can't hear the screams at night.

should i close the door? so they won't know where our feelings hide.

should i close the door? so they can leave us alone.

everything's gone. everything feels so empty. lost. the inspiration. negative. just can't wait to go back to school to face the cruel, mocking people that laugh at you with their sideway glances. just can't wait to be greeted with jeers and faces that tell you they don't really care. time to put on those caps and get back to work, not to mention a smile with a coffee to go. it's time to find imaginary friends in lithium tetrahydridoaluminate(III) or sodium dodecyl sulphate polyacrylamide gel electrophoresis, or find someone who actually knows them.

i'm stuck in a place that's worse than before. it's not a place beyond hope, it's a place of hoping.

there's nothing else i can say, ~~wish~~ you never looked at me that way.

2009-07-03T20:55:00.004+08:00

i think it's time to give up. there's no point hoping, even though hope is a hard habit to kick. it will never come. everyone's been saying the same thing, but i simply refuse to acknowledge it. i guess there was nothing for me to lose in the first place, but it still feels like a huge part of me is being ripped out, before being unceremoniously stuffed back in. i feel so empty now. somehow, in a warped and twisted fashion, i found comfort in just pretending i had everything i ever wanted. like i had something to live for again. that feeling, lost so long ago. even though she never knew my name, it felt like i had the world. i couldn't ask for anything more. but is this any way to live? is it truly?

"it's not impossible, it's just that the two of you are so different." isn't love supposed to be able to conquer anything? or is it just another lie i've just realised, and yet to rise above? what is love actually? some mystical power beyond our realm that we casually label the answer to all our problems? "it's not even love. you don't even know her. she doesn't even know you." then why do i feel this way? i can accept that the feelings overwhelming me now is not love, but someone please tell me then, what is this bloody feeling? i'm sick and tired of it, but i just can't get enough. i know everyone who knows this is just as sick and tired of hearing the same old story as i am telling it, and believe me it's not getting any more refreshing. but i can finally relate when i hear "no one understands how i feel." or "you just don't know what i'm going through." really, this is ridiculous. it's a sick joke, and i'm on the end of it.

i need a tight slap in the face, just to wake me up. what is wrong with me? i feel so stupid. i feel like punching myself in the face, but i feel so broken at the same time i just can't do it. why do i feel this way? WHY? i'm really so tired. i'm slipping away again, and i don't think i'll find my way to the surface this time. why does this fantasy feel so real? so real it cuts my skin everytime i think about it. for all this time, i've been living in my head, while ignoring how stupid my imagination really is in the real world. who am i kidding? it will never happen. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. end of story. there's nothing to feel sad about. she never even knew your name. her life goes on while yours crashes to a complete halt. perfect.

maybe i can accept (maybe not) that she never knew my name, never knew i existed, but i just can't stand the thought that she never knew someone out there felt this way about her. i guess it's just another one of those things in life you have to live with. you can't always have it your way. definitely not this time, at least. like i said, she would go on to live her life like nothing happened, accomplish greater things or even become the president. but somewhere not too far away, another world is crumbling, falling. a world being torn to shreds by an industrial strength paper shredder on steriods. it's only 6 months. between now and then, you got no time to think about this, and from then to forever, you'll never see her. so that's it.

the final verdict: there is no "that's it". there will however, be a man who will not fall to pieces everytime he meets his "adversary" in school. there will be a man who will pretend the sky is blue when it's actually grey on a monday and black on a sunday. there will be a man who will feel nothing but the pride that comes with setting himself free, even if it means stabbing himself through the heart. there will be a man who will be proud that he made the right decision, and lie to himself that through the course of his (in)action, he has given her the deserved right to spread her wings and fly.

there will be no time for regrets, because he lived to the fullest, even if it was only in his head. there will be no recollection of pain or loss, because the man knows nothing except the time before and the time after, and not of the in betweens. there will be no more dreams, because the man killed his last one so that his very first one could live. there will be no more smiling, because the only time he ever smiled was when he caught a glimpse of heaven. there will be, no more.

blame me if you must. stab me with sticks and stone me with stones. i gave what i have, and it's all i have to give. i'm not proud of it, but i'm definitely not ashamed of it. you gave me the world. now, i'm giving you mine.

i need a little more luck than a little bit,
cause everytime i get stuck the words won't fit.
and everytime that i try i get tongue tied,
i need a little more luck to get me by this time.

911.

2009-07-02T10:33:00.005+08:00

Oh Why Age?
by Jonathan Lim

I will love you until my heart bleeds out,
you're an angel that fell from heaven and missed all of the clouds.
Were you sent here to be with me?
Or were you sent here to teach me misery?

I'm prepared for you to say that i'm not your type,
that the words i tried to say didn't come out right.
From the start i knew it was wrong,
but i just didn't want to believe i was right all along.

My love for you will not be in vain,
you returned what was lost; now i can finally feel the pain.
Everytime before i sleep and after i wake,
i want to be with you more than ever; i'll do whatever it takes.

I'm tired of living with the ghost of my past,
one chance with you is all i ask.
Running from you is an impossible escape,
the thought of being with you is the thought of tempting fate.

Sometimes i catch myself staring at you carelessly,
if you look back i hope you know it's me.
I must find a way to stop these flights of fantasy,
when the high wears out, nothing hurts more than reality.

So what can i do to get you off my mind?
I'm tripping over you every single time.
What can i do to get you off my mind?
The cure for my obsession is something i will never find.

2009-07-01T22:33:00.003+08:00

you're too high to get over,
you're too low to get under,
i'm stuck in the middle,
and the pain is thunder.

michael jackson is a music genius. period. how can one man produce so many musical masterpieces? no mere mortal was meant to do this. he swept us away with his dance moves and his unrivalled passion for the art. it was one small step for man, and one giant leap for mankind when he patented the moonwalk. you can learn how to do the moonwalk, but you can never learn how to do the moonwalk like michael jackson. there can be many great artists, but none can be like michael jackson. there can be great kings, but none will ever be like michael jackson.

i have to apologise for getting carried away, but it's like everyday i discover another amazing song by this genius, and i can't help but to bow down in his awesome-ness. and it just goes to show: you never know what you got 'til it's gone.

he left us too soon, but he will never be gone. his legacy lives on in his music.

elegance and sophistication placed you high on a square pedestal,
i'm trying my hardest to forget but i'm not feeling any better still.

2009-06-30T21:56:00.003+08:00

trying not to be worthless was the best i could do,
when only perfection was good enough for you.

when the world is falling down and you feel so alone,
when you turn around and find that nobody's home.
when even in the light of day you feel cold,
when nothing in the words can light up your soul.

your hands shiver because they lost the warmth of the one,
you know emptiness is all you have after it's all said and done.
you can't find the right words to say because nothing will do,
nothing in this world can bring me back to you.

and we won't go down,
all i know is that the fear has got to go,
this time around.

no one understands how (~~to do math~~) _____________.

2009-06-26T11:07:00.007+08:00

If You Love Me
by Jonathan Lim

If you love me, don't go away,
when you're not around, i see in shades of grey.
If you love me then i'll never let go,
i'll hold you tight and together we'll grow old.

If you love me then close your eyes,
make a wish and count to five,
If you love me, i'll make it come true,
i'll do anything to be with you.

If you love me, you will never find,
your heart alone, because you will always have mine.
If you love me, i will never doubt,
your love is the only thing i can never live without.

If you love me then take my hand,
we'll ride into the the sunset, to a far away land.
If you love me then smile your sweet smile,
you are everything that makes my life worthwhile.

If you love me then sing me a song,
in your arms is where i'll always belong.

If you love me, i will never sleep,
i've fallen for you, i'm in too deep.

If you love me, everything will be okay,
my love will make the pain go away.
If you love me, i will never stop,
my words will but my love will not.

If you love me, please say you do,
you know how much i love you too.
If you love me, there's nothing to fear,
my one true love is (insert name here).

In memory of the one great king of pop.

MJ R.I.P.

Now Playing:
Michael Jackson - Man In The Mirror
Michael Jackson - Black Or White
Michael Jackson - You Are Not Alone
Michael Jackson - The Way You Make Me Feel
Michael Jackson - The Girl Is Mine

2009-06-26T00:12:00.001+08:00

is the name of the game. and it's time to play.

2009-06-24T21:48:00.003+08:00

i can't live with the fact that i'm living without,
the girl that these words were written about.

you're a star in the heavens above me. you were always within sight, but always out of reach. i'm always reaching out, but never touching. everytime i look out the window, there you are. holding your own in the clear night sky. you never needed anyone else for you to shine so bright. you were always meant for so many great things. even greater than i can imagine. you're impossible. you're in a league of your own. being good enough, is just simply, not good enough. even the gods can't take their eyes off you.

how is it then, that the peasant fell in love with the goddess? just sitting there, watching her, without knowing if she watches back. is she too good to be true? no, they say "she's just too good for you." why is it then that i can't let go, even though i already know? can someone tell me, why i can't stop thinking about you? i'd never dare tell anyone how i feel because i know they would all laugh at how ridiculous i am. i think they know i'm crazy.

you're just a star in a galaxy far far away, but you seem so close, so near. like i've known you. but i haven't. i need to wake up and stop dreaming. because dreaming about things you can never have only leaves you hurt, and quite utterly destroyed.

maybe it's time i turn my attention onto something more realistic, even though it's remotely impossible that i'll feel the same way. i feel no remorse about feeling this way, because my feelings are no longer my own.

what i would give to have you look in my direction,
i'd give my life to somehow attract your attention.

2009-06-21T00:17:00.003+08:00

do you believe in magic?

today, i ran across the old yearbooks and it was a fantastic breakaway. like i was taken back to happier, more carefree times. it's amazing how different some people look now as compared to then, and it's even more amazing how some people look exactly the same. it may be silly old pictures in a dusty old book, but the memories are all too fresh and absorbing. all the good ones and some of the bad ones. it's funny how you can build so many relationships, and have all your recollections come back with just a glance. it's a weird time to feel nostalgic and to reminisce, but sometimes your mind is not your own. all those faces that have crossed your life, are really, as cliche as it may sound, like tiny threads of an intricate web. some of the faces bring regret, some bring laughter and fun times, others just a sense of remembering. wonder what life would be without memories?

and when i came across the RJ yearbooks, it's just another big web squashed with the one we already know. it just keeps getting bigger. the memories not as developed, but who knows, 10 or even 20 years down the road, it may all come rushing back. to think it has only been 5 years since i first stepped into RI, and already so much of life happened, what more the next 5 years? and what kind of memories do i want to take away from RJ? i've had enough of the bad ones so maybe it's time i start collecting the good ones. where were the times when you could just sit around and laugh about everything under the sun? when nothing mattered more than the next punchline or the next funny thought? when hours feel like seconds and days feel like minutes? i really hope they're not a thing of the past, because life would be a sad waste if we had to live on yellow, crumbling pages of books with pictures of ourselves and people we may or may not remember. life is living. pictures of the past are just reminders on how to live. final year, slightly over 6 months to go. gotta go for it. gotta live for it.

if love is magic, then do you believe in magic?

2009-06-19T23:01:00.005+08:00

are we alone? in the dead of the night, when the only sound is the hypnotic rise and fall of our breaths, and the rhythmic beating of our solitary heart, the metronome of our lives, keeping track of the minutes and seconds gone by. when the world is dark, and no other signs of life are present, we find peace. peace in this ravaged lifetime of warfare. not of nuclear warheads and heavy machine guns, but of the constant struggle within of demons and angels, of the good and the bad, of dr. jekyll and mr. hyde. in the night, the time for rest has come, but there is no rest for a mind constantly running. running from the darkness, but always into the darkness. the relentless pursuit of the dogs from hell leave you no room to hide, no room to breathe. and when morning comes, the blazing horns signal another day of battle. we trudge on, we march on, we fight on. we don't stop because if we do, we have lost. not so much us losing, but them winning. the day begins and the battle begins. the war has long started, even before we knew our existence. the battle never stops, not even when the end is in sight. we just keep going.

so are we alone? there are no friends, no allies, no comrades. no one besides you, no one behind. you just keep moving forward. don't stop and don't turn around. one-track mind. who are we fighting for? are we noble enough to fight this war for another? for the ones we love? for our families? or even for the greater instituition? or do we fight for ourselves? because we know we deserve better. we know we are better. is there anything big enough to drive our hearts? are we soldiers who take orders or robots programmed to function? who are we?

but the biggest question of all, are we alone? like the stars in the midnight sky, we are never alone. but this has made us feel more alone than ever before. and for the success of this mission, we will have to go it alone. the time for company is not now, for there is too much at stake, far too much to lose. but when the time comes, our souls will break down and be reborn. we will learn to stand again, and we will build ourselves up once more. for now, we grease our stubborn hinges and clean our dusty rifles, because the time to do battle has come. the blazing horns have sounded. we are better than this. i am better than this.

i am alone.

2009-06-18T01:59:00.003+08:00

i'm certain, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that i was born in the wrong era. i was made for the '70s and '80s. it's a part of me that somehow just finds its place. the world offers you no solace, your head is spinning in opposite directions and your heart is broken in 20 different places, but when you hear that tune on the radio, you just find home. how can i fall so madly in love in less than 20 seconds? it was there all along, i just had to wait for the right moment for it to happen. someone invent a time machine and send me back, or else i'll do it myself. i really want to play this song with a band someday, in front of a live audience.

when i woke up,
the rain was pouring down,
there were people standing all around,
something warm falling through my eyes,
but somehow i found my baby that night.

i lifted her head, she looked at me and said,
"hold me darling just a little while"
i held her close, i kissed her our last kiss,
i found a love that i knew i had missed,
but now she's gone, even though i hold her tight,
i lost my love, my life that night.

emotions overflow, because we are creatures of the night.

2009-05-20T20:43:00.002+08:00

it's been a long journey, but i'm glad we took it. every step, every drop of sweat, every heartache. life just would have never been the same without it. 6 years it has been. 6 years from beginning to end. there are just some things you can never learn from books or in classrooms. they are the sweetest victories and most painful losses. although i must admit it seems like we were never meant to win. so much potential, so much hope, so much anticipation. it amounts to nothing in the end. that's what they say on paper. but this whole time, we were playing for so much more. we will never remember how many points we scored, the games we lost or even the games we won. we probably might not even remember if we won or lost. but all of that just seems so insignificant. unimportant details that just serve to decorate our crowded memories. so small when you look at how far we've come.

what will forever stay are the times spent with the people that changed so much of your fundamental years. the people you grew up with. the people you hate to hate, and the people you love to love. these 6 years never really gave you the opportunity to appreciate these people. not until it's all gone. over. still, the feelings have yet to set in. still in shock mode. but i can safely say, i'd give everything for these 6 years. just to have one more chance at it. when we're old and dusted, memories fading fast, when nothing else matters, all we have to hold on to is just one thing. one story of a group of dreamers, who came together and formed a team. forged through countless triumphs and tribulations into an army of fighters. the history books will never account for their victories, because history is written by the winners. winners, they were not. but what the world failed to see was that these people didn't need gold to vindicate them. they were the gold themselves. all they really needed was to shine brighter than anyone ever thought they could. and shine they did, through the gold in their hearts. the light that paved the way for greater things. we will never be remembered, but we will remember.

for one last time.

dream. team. fight. win.

raffles.

2009-05-14T20:28:00.002+08:00

don't speak, i know just what you're saying,
so please stop explaining,
don't tell me cause it hurts.

don't speak, i know what you're thinking,
i don't need your reasons,
don't tell me cause it hurts.

goodbye love, you brought so much joy into my life. you made me a better person just by showering me with your love. you taught me things no one else could. you gave me hope and i rest mine on your wings. you changed my life, for without you i would not be standing here today. but everything must come to an end. just know that goodbye doesn't mean forever. i'll miss the times i had you in my hands. the way we reached for the skies like we knew nothing else. the way we let our dreams soar. the way we were so close to the end of the rainbow, but never touching. that elusive pot of gold will forever keep you close to my heart, because i'll remember all the times i've never had you, for all the times i'll never have you again. for one more day, we will make sweet music. it's time to move on, but for one more day, i'll be yours and you'll be mine.

i love you, because i love this game.

goodbye love.

2009-05-06T19:43:00.002+08:00

can't let another day pass by,
without doing what i feel inside.
cause it's embedded in my soul,
the day i stop will be the day i turn cold.
let you know i'm breaking out of that hole, and let go.

so i can be free to do what means most to me,
and you can look back one day and know i shared with you my gift.
i hope you wouldn't think i just leave, pack up and roll up my sleeve,
give it all up and leave with nothing to take with me all i got to give.

so if your life is twisted and ain't going right,
just forget about it tonight.

2009-05-01T20:20:00.003+08:00

i'm done. i'm so tired. i'm dead to the world as much as the world is dead to me. i'm empty. i've lost my soul. i feel no pain, no joy, no sadness, no happiness, no misery, no emotion, no love, no warmth, no hope, no life. i've had enough of trying, pretending everything is going to be ok. this life holds nothing more for me. i feel no more life inside me. i'm just a whole lot of emptiness in a whole lot of space. nothing means anything to me anymore. i have nothing. no strength left to fight. i'm gone.

only one week left. everything that is anything will become now. it feels so out of our control, but everything is in our hands. if we deserve it, we will be there. only thing left to do now is to prove it. this is the last. the end of it all. it happens now. the time has come.

2009-04-18T21:03:00.002+08:00

you can lie about your past, you can try your hardest to forget it, you can even pretend it never happened, but you just can't run away from it. your past will always find a way to catch up to you. it's like a black mark, forever on the record of your life, like a scar. you can put away the bad, painful memories, things you wish you never did, but there's just nowhere to hide when it all comes rushing back like a broken dam.

no one is exempt from mistakes. we all had our fair share of stupid, foolish, rash, immature mistakes. we make them, we learn, we move on. these mistakes don't define us, they tell us who we're not. i'm not the same sad, sorry, little boy i was 3 years ago. i've learnt some painful lessons since then, and i'm still learning. it took me awhile, but i've accepted it and moved on. maybe it's a little unfair to expect the same from you, but i expected better. it definitely wasn't how i pictured it in my mind, and it kinda stung a little. looking back, i guess i have no right to even hold my breath. today reminded me that i never want to be that little boy i was 3 years ago, i may not be any better but at least i'm not that person anymore.

for a long time, i've stopped trying to be a better person. i just let all these circumstances push me around, making excuses for the person i've become. all these mistakes and tribulations, are just tests of our will and faith. for too long i've just sat there and accepted my "destiny", just letting "fate" impose its will on me. maybe it's time to take what i've been given, and use it for a better cause, because wallowing in self-pity is simply too selfish. the world is trying to break me. everything that goes wrong is trying to break me. my faltering faith is trying to break me. but i will not be broken. there are times when giving up or quitting or breaking down is the right thing to do, but this is not one of those times. i will make it through a stronger person, and when i look back on my life, i will know it was all worth it, even the most unforgivable of mistakes. maybe it's time i try again, because not trying is simply not good enough.

today, i realised how weak i once was, but at the same time, i realised how strong i've grown since then. i now know that i never want to be that person again, and that i've learnt from my mistakes. my conscience is clear and these demons won't haunt me anymore. i'm meant to be better, and my mistakes will not be in vain. it's time to step out of another darkness while you step out of this one.

2009-03-20T00:25:00.001+08:00

I will be brave no matter what the outcome, because it's the only thing I can do.

2009-03-09T21:05:00.004+08:00

i never really learned how to let go. i seem to want to hold onto everything around me indefinitely. all the disappointment, success, heartbreak, sadness, triumph, emotions and relationships. i never learned how to move on. i'm always on this self-destructive path of liberation from my own chains and shackles. the tighter i try to hold onto the past, the deeper the lascerations become, but as i slowly drift away and move on, the emptier and more hollow my soul feels. it's almost as if i enjoy bathing myself in my self-inflicted wounds and drinking to my non-existent misery. as i look around, the world doesn't stop spinning simply because i choose to let myself wallow in despair. the world moves on, people move on.

the worst part about not letting go, is allowing the emotions to build up inside, and allowing it to slowly eat you alive, until there's nothing left. there's too much hatred, jealousy, paranoia and anxiety going around, and simply not enough love. i just can't seem to get away from all this negativity, but i can't seem to find anything else to justify me. i don't know why i incarcerate myself in this mental prison when i have nothing to hold onto; nothing tangible to commiserate. i'm just stuck somewhere between here and there, and i don't really know if i should move forwards or back. i've lost too much of what i don't have to want something, only for it to be taken away again. my state of mental health is in a mess. too many emotions cluttering an already cluttered space. i'm holding onto so many unnecessary excess baggage. all the grudges i thought i bore, all the pain i thought i held and all the rumours i thought i heard. one wavering mind and a shattered heart can only take so much. i think it's time to hang up on all the vacant lines and stop waiting for the world to end, because it's not ending anytime soon and there's too much to live for. this heart and mind has reached breaking point, and the only way to salvage any resemblance of sanity is to break it before it can be broken.

this is so far gone that i won't know what happiness is even if it hits me square in the face. i'm just chasing empty dreams and grasping for the hope that isn't really there. another face is just another chance for another happy ending to go wrong. how many more broken hearts must pay the price before i realise the mistake is me? the mistake of holding on. the mistake of not knowing when to let go. the mistake of not loving enough. the mistake of not believing enough. the lack of faith. the empty promises. the sorry excuses true lies disappointing letdowns shameful pride. every turn is a wrong turn. i just should just give up while i can. i'm holding onto all the wrong things, and not holding hard enough onto the things that matter most. i can't forgive. i can't forget. i can't move on.

take a look at me. i'm flawed at the very fundamental. i'm a broken soul lost in a crowd of lost souls. direction is definitely not one thing i need to get out of this mess, because everyone else is just as stuck as i am. what i need is something different. something that will change the world i live in and force me to change with it. what i need is to find anything that resembles the word "love" in the great big dictionary of life. because what i need now, no one can give. no one that can look me in the eye and tell me the sun will rise again tomorrow, because that's not what i need. maybe someone whom i'm willing to make every single mistake with all over again, but this time knowing that each and every one was worth it. i need someone to change my world. can you give me that?

you light up the skies above me,
a star so bright you blind me.
don't close your eyes,
don't fade away.

2009-02-23T23:20:00.003+08:00

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me,
condescendingly.
Take a seat, take your life,
plot it out in black and white.

Well, I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
and the drama queens.
I'd liked to think the best of me,
is still hiding up my sleeve.

They love to tell you,
stay inside the lines.
But something's better,
on the other side.

They read all the books but they can't find the answers.
And all of our parents, they're getting older,
I wonder if they've wish for anything better,
while in their memories, tiny tragedies.

There's so such thing as the real world, just a lie you've got to rise above.

2009-02-22T20:47:00.002+08:00

my head is in a thousand places, and my heart is in a million pieces. i don't believe in love anymore. everything from now is going to be a meaningless crush, nothing more than mere physical infatuation. i should have just stopped trying a long time ago, and save our innocent hearts. i can't feel anything anymore. i feel no happiness, no sadness, no heartbreak and no love. my dreams are long gone and my ambitions are crushed. i have no hope, no emotion, no dreams. i'm just an empty shell of a person that once believed. i'm cold and dead on the inside. no amount of words can describe the carcass of life that used to be. i'm just rotting away slowly.

i just can't feel. i can't bring myself to love anyone again. i thought i knew the meaning of love. the closest i ever came to love was a twisted relationship that never should have happened. but it happened nonetheless, and i was happy enough simply to feel. now, it's like i'm just going through the motions. waiting for each day to pass, only for another day to come and go while i wait. i'm just filling my days with meaningless activities. i don't even know why i'm doing what i'm doing anymore. i'm just lost, stuck. i can't even smile to my friends anymore because i just can't bring myself to do it. the jokes aren't even as funny anymore. i know the person i used to be is still somewhere in there, it's just going to take something or someone very special to bring it out now because i don't see that person coming back to life anytime soon. i lost the better part of me to all the hopes and dreams that never came true. all the times when fate fell short, when "love" fell short.

i know i stopped trying. i know i stopped feeling. i know i stopped living. maybe one day someone special will walk into my life and wake me from my slumber, teach me how to fall in love again. maybe that someone will give me new dreams to chase, and hopefully that someone will teach me how to live. until then, this life about love is not as much about life, as it is about love. for how does life proceed, without the presence of love?

2009-02-08T11:09:00.003+08:00

i've got that hunger again. i want to put on that green jersey and step onto the courts one final time. i want to feel the ball in my hands. i want to burn the opponent, pull it back and burn them again. i want to put the ball through the hoop. i want to hear the swish of the net. i want to hear the crowd cheer. i want to believe there's no one to stop us. it's lonely at the top but that's where i want to be. i want to do it with my team like we did four years ago. i want to be better than i've ever been, because there's no better time. i want to stop the fantasies of buzzer beaters in the finals, because fantasies are only for dreamers.

i want to make it happen. i want the glory. i want that winning feeling. i want to call ourselves champions. i want to hold my breath and fall when everything ends because i never want it to end. i want it for the guys who want it more than me, but have never tasted it because it wasn't their time. i want the clock to run in reverse, to relive the better days, but i want the clock to run down so we know we made it. i want to know how the sun rises on the day when all seems impossible, but seemingly possible. sometimes we fly so high we forget, that at the bottom of it all, there's everything to fall. i want the giants to be reacquainted with the ground, because it where we all put our feet on. i want to live that day over and over again in my head, because we only get one chance at making history.

i want it all. i want it bad. but i want nothing more than to stand up at the very end, next to the people who were there with me every step of the way. who bled with me, cried with me, fought with me, won with me and lost with me. i want them to know this is how champions are made. i want them to remember why we did what we did, and how we got to where we are. because when the dust settles, when all the medals have rusted and the distant sound of glory rings deaf, only the memories remain.

it's not a want, but a need.

we begin.

2009-01-17T19:53:00.005+08:00

I had a dream last night,

we drove out to see Las Vegas.

We lost ourselves in the bright lights.

we might be confused now, not knowing where to go. many questions left unanswered, many words left unsaid. time will point us in the right direction, and tell us the right thing to do. we just have to hold it out, til question marks have found their full stops.

and my dearest friend, the start has many stumbling stones, all of which i'm tripping over. i'll find my feet soon, and before this race is over, you'll know why i did the things i did. but til then, stick with me. i'm going to pull through. it might not seem so now, but you know i will.

Sunsets never were so bright,

and the skies never so blue.

2008-12-31T22:28:00.003+08:00

2009 is just slightly more than an hour away, and 2008 is coming to an end. what can i say? it's been a blockbuster year with many mistakes, many great times and many memories. right now, i think i'm ready to leave 2008 behind and step into 2009 with a peace of mind. it's going to be a big year ahead, and paths have to be chosen. 2009 is going to be a year for change. it's going to be a time where i would do something i normally wouldn't. something better, something good. it's time to kick all my bad habits. learn from the past and make good with the future that is to come. it's time to make new mistakes, learn new lessons and collect new memories. it's time to kick the addiction, and stay free from all the "drugs". it's time to step up to the plate, because you only get one swing at it. the race is about to begin and everyone's at the start line. this time i hope i won't be playing catch up.

it's going to be a tough year, no doubt about it. but maybe somewhere along the way, there might be time to stop and enjoy the scenery, smell the roses, before we have to be on our way again. maybe the tough road can be made easier if we just keep things simple. mug hard, and play harder. leave nothing in your hands and everything on the table. it's time to go for it, because it's the last time we'll ever get the chance. it just feels like the beginning of the end in so many ways. 6 years, and then 6 more. it all comes down to this. this is the big graduation. it feels like the end in so many ways but it's only the beginning. the whole of 2009 is ahead of us. it's all up to us to shape and change the course of our destiny. we have the power to take control. we have to make choices, hoping they're the best ones, and live with them.

2008 has been a great year. made wonderful new friends, stayed close with great old ones and learnt one big lesson on friendship. but it's time to move on. leaving the past to memories and the future to hope. i'm looking forward to the challenge of 2009, because it gives me the chance to rise to the occasion. it's time to step out of our comfort zones and into the world of the unknown. it's time to cast our fears aside and follow the path of the blinding lights. all we have to do is put one foot infront of the other. it's time to do something. it's time to make things happen. it's time to move forward.

it's time to bid 2008 adieu.

it's time. 2009.

2008-12-30T06:29:00.003+08:00

we were never meant to be together. our stars crossed in the heavens, but they never aligned; never meant to be as one. for a brief moment, i forgot that we were made merely as friends. i'm thankful that you came into my life, and changed it. you gave me hope when all else was fading, when i couldn't find strength in my new skin. you made me believe again. you were a message sent from above. you were an angel from heaven.

relationships mean alot to me, friendships especially. i'm not someone who needs alot of friends, but i'm a person who needs close friends. i would die for a friendship that would never die for me. the truth is, i need you more than you seem to need me. and even though now, my presence is less required, i'll still be there. just in case. maybe you were always going to be there, just in a different way. and maybe it's time i set my heart free. i knew it all along, that we were made for different things, but i lost control for a fleeting moment. that fleeting moment is gone.

as the night fades, and as dawn is approaching, the sun will rise and the day will begin. as the light slowly crawls towards the dusk, night will fall and cover the world in darkness. the night will bring peace and rest to weary souls and tired bodies, but it will also bring sleepless nights for the restless minds. and in the night, one seems to understand the world one is placed in, better. the epiphany and revelations overwhelm a single mind. but the night still comes and goes, and just before the breaking of the sun, one mind is at peace with the world.

a close friend of mine once said, "Having would be great, but I'm doing just fine without." i couldn't agree more.

2008-12-22T09:54:00.002+08:00

She's The Girl
by Jonathan Lim

She's the girl from all of your wildest dreams,
she's the girl everyone wants on their team.
She's the girl with the flawless face and perfect hair,
and you're the guy who can't help but stare.

She's the rebel who lives on rock 'n roll,
when they made her they broke the mold.
She's on the cover of every magazine,
she's a contemporary classic beauty queen.

She's got the looks, the style and the brains to boot,
she's like a loaded gun, just pull the trigger to shoot.
She's the girl other girls would die to kill,
the next girl would have really big shoes to fill.

She's the girl who could melt the sun,
she's the girl who is second to none.
She's the girl with all the parts,
but she's the girl, with the broken heart.

2008-12-19T17:43:00.004+08:00

i'm using every ounce of strength within me to fight the feeling, to hide the pain on the inside so that no one will ever know. i made a mistake by getting my heart involved, but i'm going to set things right. i'm not going to allow myself to willingly have my heart broken again, even if that means i have to live the rest of my life with the could-have-beens and the what-ifs.

you mean so much to me right now that i would do anything just not to lose you, because nothing else is worth it. because i'm not going to ruin everything i hold closest to my heart by making stupid mistakes. mistakes that i should never have to make again because of all the lessons i've had, but the same mistakes are going to be made because some people just never learn. i want to make the right decisions this time.

i'm going to look at you and pretend it doesn't kill me everytime. i'm going to fall asleep each night without thinking about you, because that's the only thing i do the rest of the day. i'm going to tell you that you're going to find a better man and lie, because all i see is myself with you, and i'm not any better.

nothing's going to change. i'm going to be there when you need me, and i'm still going to be there when you don't. living with the pain is the closest i'll ever get to living with you. it's the closest i'll ever get to living.

2008-12-12T21:53:00.004+08:00

been playing the guitar til my fingers are sore. they're numb to the touch but i still feel this tingling sensation in my finger tips. i get it every time i start thinking. i was just wondering if friends could ever be more than just friends. sometimes you just can't help but wonder. there has to be a point in a friendship between two people (opposite sex) where the status becomes blurred. when you start thinking this could be it. this could be the one person you've been waiting for your whole life. but then again you're in a position where you would be risking everything you have between the two of you: your friendship, your trust, your understanding etc. but you can't deny you've thought about it, at least one of you.

that's where the pain starts to kick in. you don't know if you should take the next step. you don't know if what you have is just a really good friendship, or something more. it just complicates matters because one of your best friends is from the opposite gender. could you ever just be really good friends with the opposite gender? nothing more? it's ok if you're both single, but what if your friend is attached? that's just a ball of yarn. and even if you don't make a move, simply the thought screw things up. because it translates to your actions, and the vibes you give out, your body language. friends can pick up things like these. like when silence becomes uncomfortable, or when you're going out of your way just to please a person when you normally wouldn't. you'll just probably end up screwing things up anyway.

you can't kill a romantic. you can't kill his fire, his passion and his imagination. ironically, it's his very fire, passion and imagination that got him killed. i'm just thinking outloud, and blabbering way too much. i might put some of the pictures from aussie, or not. i'm just too lazy. exactly 3 weeks before i fly off to taiwan, which doesn't leave me with very much time for alot of things. i just have to maximise what ever time i have left, before another year races past.

maybe, just maybe, you've thought about the same things as i have. then i just want you to know that between us, there's always a maybe.

when a heart breaks, it don't break even.

2008-12-01T11:45:00.002+08:00

tonight, you won't read the words that spell my misery. i'm going to fight the feeling because you don't know how much i'm not willing to lose you. tonight i will keep the pain inside so that you will never know how much it hurts to let you go. i will not let my feelings show because then, i would be risking everything that means so much to me. everything is you.

tonight, i will take in the last rays of light and bask in the midnight sun. someday you will never know these words were written about you, but all for the sake of what we have now, and what we never will. i wage a war against my darkest fears, trying to fight the inevitable. every time i lose myself and begin to doubt, these inner demons win. this battle i must fight alone. for you, i set my heart on fire. and for you, i must put my heart out.

tonight, i have you in my memories. and that's all i need, to get me through the night.

2008-11-26T23:39:00.000+08:00

Enough said.

2008-11-23T21:22:00.005+08:00

The Eagles
Hotel California

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair,
warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air.
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light,
my head grew heavy and my sight grew dim, I had to stop for the night.

There she stood in the doorway, I heard the mission bell,
then I was thinking to myself this could be Heaven or this could be Hell.
Then she lit up a candle, and she showed me the way,
there were voices down the corridor, thought I heard them say

"Welcome to the Hotel California,
such a lovely place, such a lovely face.
Plenty of room at the Hotel California,
any time of year, you can find it here."

Her mind is Tiffany twisted, she got the Mercedes Benz,
she got alot of pretty, pretty boys that she calls friends.
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat,
some dance to remember, some dance to forget.

So I called up the captain, "Please bring me my wine."
He said, "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969."
And still those voices are calling from far away,
wake you up in the middle of the night just to hear them say

"Welcome to the Hotel California,
such a lovely place, such a lovely face.
They're living it up at the Hotel California,
what a nice surprise, bring your alibis."

Mirrors on the ceiling, the pink champagne on ice,
and she said, "We are all just prisoners here of our own device."
And in the master's chambers, they gathered for the feast,
they stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast.

Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.
"Relax", said the nightman, "we are programmed to receive",
"You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave".

one of the all time classics. it's hauntingly addictive, with all the guitar solos leaving you wanting more. if you think about it, it has a creepy-eerie sound to it which makes it all the more enticing. and what with all the rumours about backmasking and subliminal messages. this song is one for the ages. dun look at what the subconscious mind is supposed to hear, just look at what the conscious mind is hearing. this song just captures the essence of our society today. i fear we're all trapped in some kind of "Hotel California", and we have to find a way out before it's too late.

I need to find a way out.

2008-11-17T17:46:00.001+08:00

Don't shoot to wound. Shoot to kill.

2008-11-16T23:11:00.002+08:00

the first time he touched a guitar was at a songwriters' convention, and it was the last time he shed silent tears in his room late at night. empty promises were broken chords and lies were the words that didn't fit the rhyme.

he spilled all of his sadness and emotions into his songs and made beautiful magic. to him, music became the air that filled his lungs and the paper cups that caught his tears.

he didn't make music with his hands or his voice or his instrument. he made music with his heart and soul, and it filled the void that love left behind.

he found solace in the tunes that only he could hear, as he played with the phantom band. his audience were the lost souls and fallen stars; quiet heartbreak and deafening loss.

he became a songwriter; he was the maker of his own music.

2008-11-14T15:45:00.000+08:00

2008-11-13T23:59:00.003+08:00

i'm so tired. i'm so tired of being second best. i'm so tired of not being good enough. i'm so tired of falling short. i'm so tired of not making the cut. i'm so tired of failing. i'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself. i'm so tired of trying to be strong when there's nothing left. i'm so tired, but i just can't sleep tonight.

it sucks to be second best. it sucks to suck. and the worst thing is there's no one you can blame but yourself. sometimes i really wish i could just blame everyone else for my failures. i'm just so sick and fucking tired of losing. what do i have to do to win? everyone else just seems to better me. everything is just coming in all at once, it doesn't even give you time to understand what is happening. i'm just so tired i dunno what i'm feeling anymore. i'm so sick of letting everyone else see how useless i am everytime i fail. i know i shouldn't be defeated by all this, but i have no strength left to fight. it really isn't enough to have tried your best and fall short, because deep down you know your best don't stand a chance, and in the real world that means you might as well not have tried. everyone can say it's how you pick yourself up from these kind of situations, that make you a better person, but how do you pick yourself up when it was you who let yourself down in the first place? how do YOU pick yourself up when YOU are simply not good enough? i'm really tired of fighting for something that will never come. i'm tired of fighting for what i believe in because there are still going to be people better than you who are going to beat you to it every single time, no matter how hard you try. i might as well just give the fuck up right now.

what happens when your dream gets taken away? do you stop dreaming? what if you didn't do enough to protect your dream? would you hold onto the next one like it was the last thing you had? would you give everything to protect it? what if you still lose it in the end? what happens then?

i really want to believe that tomorrow will be a better day, but that day just never comes.

teach me how to be satisfied or teach me how to win.

2008-11-06T02:45:00.005+08:00

Double Quote

Stressed is just Desserts spelled backwards.

The best part of the day is over when the alarm goes.

2008-11-02T20:54:00.010+08:00

it's the hols again, and the end of the year is just round the corner. so many things happened this year i can't possibly say my life is boring, like it ever was. i think this academic year would be best described as bittersweet. there was first this rude awakening, that life in jc wasn't going to be as easy as i think, and it still isn't. and that's where many nights were spent in the lib just mugging. just mugging. and then came the rewards. not exceptional, but enough to work on. which just sets the tone for the coming year, where everything is going to be twice as tough in half the time. we gotta be ready from the get-go cause its all we've got. it's all going to come down to this. 1 year from now.

and then of course there were many life lessons learnt along the way. what is life without the lessons? i think this year was a reality check. another year of mistakes, and another year of painful lessons. this is all just a small sample of what the real world would be like out there. but there were the better times as well. i think i kinda saw who my real friends were through all that turmoil and madness of jc life. there were lots of fun along the way, you just have to go out of the way to find it.

anyways, back to the hols. it's going to be the last real hols i'll have for the year ahead and i wanna make the most of it. i keep saying that i'll plan my hols but i'll just end up wasting it away. but with so many things ahead in my last year, this is may be only time i have to do the things i want, and do something meaningful with my life. it's not about how my life compares with other people, but how i want to live it and make the most of it. this hols is going to be quite a long one, but there are lots of things to do. which is why i'm going to do a list. never has there been a time where planning is of greater importance.

on a side note, now's the perfect time for a spring fling. i'm not in it for the commitment and i'm just looking for some company when i'm lonely. but is this really the kind of person i want to become? shallow and superficial? i dun think i'll ever sell myself for something like that. which is why getting attached, will not be on my list this hols. period.

i think it's enough of the red tape, i should just get down to it. THE LIST. i'm just going to spam the things i wanna do in no particular order of any kind. hope i'll be able to accomplish most of it, because it could possibly be a full year til i get to do things of this nature again.

To-Do List (Nov 5 - Jan 11):
1. Revise JC1 Chem

2. Revise JC1 Math

3. Revise JC1 Bio

4. Revise JC1 Econs

~~5. Play Pool~~ (2)

6. Go Bowling

~~7. Watch a Movie~~ (1)

~~8. Go Sentosa~~ (again)

~~9. Learn how to play a Guitar~~

10. Learn how to cook

~~11. Play soccer~~ (3)

~~12. Play tennis~~ (1)

~~13. Stay over at a friend's house~~ (again)

14. Have a barbeque

~~15. Read a book~~ (1)

~~16. Australia~~

17. Sabah

18. KL

19. Save money

20. Buy new shirts

~~21. Buy new shorts~~

~~22. Buy a new pair of shoes~~ (~~Casual~~)(~~Basketball~~)(~~Running~~)

23. Buy something for my room

~~24. Play Poker with friends~~

25. Volunteer for a good cause

26. Tidy my room

i think i'll just leave it at that for the time being. until i find more fun and interesting stuff to add to the list.

fate fell short this time
your smile fades in the summer
place your hand in mine
i'll leave when I wanna

2008-10-12T23:28:00.003+08:00

A World For Two
by Jonathan Lim

That day, with your hand in mine, we walked down the street.
What we shared was perfection, nothing less, nothing more.
With the sun overhead and the pavement at our feet,
we can’t help but feel the feelings we can't ignore.

I could go on about how your hair falls into place,
or how you blow me away with your kisses.
Before I fall asleep each night I think of your face,
and how my heart longs and aches and misses.

If I’m still dreaming, don’t wake me up yet;
I’m dreaming of how we’re meant to be.
If you don’t believe me, don’t place your bet.
I’m giving my all, just wait and see.

Your love so strong replaced all of my fears,
as I struggled to remember my life before you.
Without the pain, the heartache and the tears,
a candlelight dinner and a world for two.

200 and counting...

2008-10-11T20:53:00.003+08:00

why do i keep falling for the wrong people? why do i keep making the same mistakes over and over again? i know i shouldn't be feeling this way, but i just can't help it. it's like every single time i say i wouldn't, but i still end up doing it anyway. i just can't keep my head above water. it's almost as if the more i know i can't have it, the more i want it. i just keep going to places i know i should never set foot on, believing in things i should only dream about and hurting myself when the last thing i want is the pain.

i really don't know what's going on with me. i'm just so easily swayed by emotions. one moment i have a heart of stone and the next i'm tripping head over heels. judge me if you will, but the world is never kind so live up to the reality that one day it might just happen to you. i always feel i should never have the right to feel this way, to even dream about having something special happen to me, especially all that happened over the past year. but somehow, all these feelings just start coming back, like i'm given a second chance to make the same mistake. you get all these weird sensations coursing through your body. your heart skips a beat, you hold your breath and you smile more. these are all just signs that something is happening to you whether you want it or not. you just can't fight the feeling, no matter how hard you try.

i really dunno what's happening to me. there's just so many emotions at once it's hard to keep track of them and keep them in line. at first i had these crazy feelings, but i know i had to respect her. i know there's more to her than meets the eye and i know that i wanna protect that. for once, i thought i was doing the right thing. i know i had to take things one step at a time. and i did. as things moved on, i knew i couldn't distance myself that easily but i still knew i had to. i'm taking it slow, but it's progress in the wrong positive direction. and then came another person. this person is totally different. i know some of the things that happened before, and i know the kind of things that i really don't want to hear. but still i just can't get the thoughts out of my head. i just can't stop thinking. i know i shouldn't even begin, but i can't stop. i know it's so much more superficial but it catches you off guard. here i am typing this while my mind contemplates making the first move. i'll probably get my heart broken anyway so i might just try. i just hope i know when to pull out before it's too late. and then there are so many other factors in the story like you can't imagine. it seems really complicated, but it's only that way because i make it so. it's very simple really: do nothing. absolutely nothing. nothing, and my heart is safe and remains in one piece, along with my sanity. but nothing, and i'll never know, never tried and never failed. don't i ever learn my lessons and aren't i sick of getting hurt? by the looks of it, i don't think so cause i keep doing the same stupid things over again to get the same stupid results. why do i even bother trying? i'm just going out of my mind.

it's just right there waiting for me to make the first move. but am i going to? usually, i wouldn't have the balls to do anything like this. but now, somehow, i might find the courage to get hurt knowingly, unlike the last time when i was hurt blind-sighted. maybe, like the human spirit delivers hope, something good might come from this. but all the signs are pointing in the other direction. and maybe, the one i felt was lost from the beginning would be the one worth waiting for, but am i going to? if the surrender was accepted, then what am i still playing for? there are still so many questions ringing in my head and even more left unanswered. i just need to sort them out and hopefully, they will answer themselves in time to come. for all of this, is just the beginning. the beginning of chapter one.

2008-09-20T20:13:00.008+08:00

"Wishing you the happiness that you couldn't find in me, love you could no longer see in me and the best, that could never be me..."

i couldn't help but to think about you yesterday. it's been awhile, and i wonder how you look like now. i think you should know that you changed a big part of me. you are alot of the things that make me the person i am to today. i grew up alot while i was with you, but during that time, i made alot of mistakes that hurt you too. i guess it was through those mistakes that i've learned, but just not soon enough. i could spend a whole lifetime trying to make up all the wrongs i've ever made, but that simply wouldnt be enough. maybe it's best i only recall the better memories i had with you, ones that would stay with me forever. i think i can safely say that you're the best i'll ever have, simply because you were the one that changed my life. i dare not ask for a second chance, because i don't want to let you down again. but if i could, i would do anything to make you happy, i would do everything in my power not to hurt you again and i would love you with all my heart, with no regrets, because i know i'll never get another chance to love you again.

maybe it's a little selfish of me to wonder if you ever think about me. you may not, for i was not important enough. you may not, for you might already have someone else residing in your mind. you may not, for you might have forgotten who i am. but i know, last night, i did think about you, and i came to this conclusion: i miss you.

WJI

2008-09-14T12:34:00.002+08:00

And I need you now tonight,
and I need you more than ever.
And if you'll only hold me tight,
we'd be holding on forever.

And we'll only be making it right,
cause we'll never be wrong together.
We can take it to the end of the line,
your love is like a shadow on me all of the time.
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark,
we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.

I really need you tonight.
Forever's gonna start tonight,
forever's gonna start tonight.

Once upon a time I was falling in love,
but now I'm only falling apart.
There's nothing I can do,
a total eclipse of the heart.

Once upon a time there was light in my life,
but now there's only love in the dark.
Nothing I can say,
a total eclipse of the heart.

2008-08-30T22:01:00.003+08:00

Turn the lights off in this place, and she shines just like a star.
I swear I know her face, I just don't know who you are.
Come closer.

Love is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting them not to.
~ John Albert Halili

2008-08-26T21:57:00.003+08:00

help me lift these heavy arms, so that i can reach for the sky.

help me raise this weary spirit, so that i can believe again.

help me move these stone legs, so that i can walk the walk of freedom.

help me open these tired eyes, so that i can see the goodness in people.

help me cleanse this stained skin, so i can feel the purest of touches.

help me unplug these muffled ears, so i can hear the truth.

help me clear this stuffed nose, so i can smell the scent of romance.

help me rejuvenate this coarse tongue, so i can taste your sweet kisses.

help me become the man i once was, so that i can love you once again.

help me become the man i hope to be, so that i will never lose you.

help me gather the pieces of my heart, so that i can give the best of what's left to you.

help me love you better, so that i can be complete.

help me.

2008-08-22T21:21:00.003+08:00

is it real or just another crush?

it's time to give up while i still can. no matter how i look at it, i'm not the one meant to be in that picture. it kills me everytime, but i have to admit the two of them look perfect together. i hit the ground really hard the other day, and i had no one to blame but myself. the higher you climb, the harder you fall. i just can't seem to get that picture out of my mind. i dunno what the hell i was doing, knowing that i never had a place from the beginning, yet still playing along the little fantasies in my head. why me? but i guess i need to refocus my goals for abit, at least for the next four weeks. i can't afford to let myself get caught up in my emotions right now. it was never mine for the taking. why do these feelings seem so real everytime, yet they're always wrong and taken apart in an instant? i know this sounds stupid, but i can't help falling over and over again. i really didn't mean to, never. if i had a choice i wouldn't. but it's really not about choosing or intentions. i guess the only thing left to do is to let it go. i know i have to. i know it's best to. i know i must. but am i able to?

2008-08-07T22:51:00.003+08:00

on this cold, wet and rainy night, i realised i'm alone. there's laughter and cheering everywhere, but it's coming from the other side, not from within. friends are all around, but i guess i'm not looking for friends tonight. i'm just getting down on myself. i've learnt that it's ok to be weak and have weaknesses; we're only human after all. but we have to pick ourselves up whether we want to or not. it's nights like these when i wish i had someone to share a meaningful conversation with. someone i know i can talk with forever and not get bored, yet at the same time someone who doesn't need a word, but feels what you're feeling all the same. i just wish i had someone to share the night with.

maybe i'm just not ready, not yet. in a way, i'm happy that it's not me now, because i wouldn't know what to do if it was, and i wouldn't be the right one. you can't love someone if you can't love yourself. i can't exactly find anything to love about myself right now. everyone's just so good at something, and when you're in this society, good is only as good gets. if you want to stand out, you have to be the best. second place just doesn't cut it. maybe i'm just looking at all the wrong things, but right now it feels like i'm trying to rise above the waves and stand on water, when all the time i'm slowly sinking, drowning. maybe all of this is for the best, for now. i have too many things to worry about and too many things to set straight. maybe the right one and the right time will come later. right now, i just have to keep fighting this feeling.

maybe i'm just not the one meant for big things, and my callings are just a small part in people's lives. i'm only the right person at the right time when i'm needed. i think i've accepted what should have been a long time ago. i knew i was never going to be the same, so why am i trying so hard to fit in? it's time i start to understand that certain things are worth losing because no matter what, you still lose them in the end.

on this cold, wet and rainy night, i realised it's alright to be weak. i just need something or someone to help carry me through this time. teach me to be strong, teach me to brave and most importantly, teach me to feel the pain when the hurt gets too much to take. tonight, i'm alone.